Get Warmed Up, #5 Paul Ernster!

There's a great many folks out there (well, probably more than 4, but maybe less than 22) who are thankful that they didn't sell their ERNSTER 5 Steelers jerseys

on eBay following the SB43 magnificence of two years ago ... especially here in this Ravens Crybaby Corridor wherein the crybaby cries of the crybabies range from "We gave it away!" to "We gave you guys the game!"

What their dismay demonstrates is that 84.3 percent of Ravens fans are pussies (c'mon ... you KNEW that), but it also drowns out the muted sobs of Daniel Sepulveda, who, apparently, tore his ACL during the bloodbath last night and will miss the remainder of the season.

Before we reach out to help our fallen punter, we'll need to console Raven crybabies with comforting words such as, "Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some new dance moves" ... or "Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some different sound bytes for America ... new material instead of 'This is game time!' and 'This is big-boy football! blah blah blah ..." -- or maybe the all-star linebacker needs to tell us who stabbed to death them two boys lyin' in the street and bleedin' out outside the Cobalt Lounge ...

'Nuff 'bout Ray-Ray ... somebody's gotta phone the man who's a lucky rabbit's foot -- Paul Ernster -- and inquire as to his availability for the new job opening.

That is, unless the Steelers brass is eyeing somebody else.

After all, The Ern's 3-day trial wasn't anything to brag about (12 punts, a 31.6 avg.) two yrs. ago when the mighty Mitch Berger was dinged up (after Sepulveda went on IR during preseason).

Yet, Paul T. Ernster made every person who had the guts to buy an ERNSTER 5 jersey damn proud when, one week after he failed to extend the Colts' 40-year losing streak in Pittsburgh, by stretching the Chargers' regular-season record to 0-13 in Pittsburgh when he, as the punter-off-the-street, took the snap from the snapper-off-the-street (Jared Retkofsky) and executed a professional placement for Jeff Reed's chippie FG w/ :11 to play, making the Steelers victorious in the first-ever 11-10 game in NFL history.

You can't buy memories like that.

Now, none of us civilians who don't work in the Steelers' front office knows who'll be brought in to create new memories. But, with the way that Sepulveda keeps gettin' hisself all hurt, maybe the Steelers need to spend the offseason considering the step-two-three-kick stylings of somebody like a Hendrix Blakefield of Western Kentucky or a Kiel Rasp of Washington or maybe even C.J. Feagles of North Carolina.

Hendrix Blakefield and Kiel Rasp (whose names might be real or made-up, nobody's sure) are punters who wear #99 and #94, respectively ... and Kiel Rasp is a soph. and Hendrix Blakefield is a frosh., as is C.J. Feagles.

We don't know if any of 'em is apt to turn pro after this bowl season ... and, Feagles ranked only 113th in the NCAA in avg./punt ... but, THEN AGAIN, he is the son of the man who played more games than anyone in NFL history, SOHHHHH ...

Hendrix Blakefield ...
Kiel Rasp ...
That's frickin' awesome ...

+ + +

Get Warmed Up, #5 Piotr Czech!

... 'cuz it seems as though the Steelers' brass (wait ... brass? made of steel?) has had enough of the quirky (or bizarre) Jeff Reed.

We don't know if Piotr Czech (seen here during that breathtaking 17-0 win

over the Bills during the '09 preseason) will be offered a second chance a Steelers PK job (WHICH WAS STOLEN FROM HIM!) during a PK audition in the next few days ... but it is fun to ponder the possibilities of purchasing an authentic (or replica) CZECH 5 Steelers jersey, isn't it?

Perhaps Jeff Reed isn't quite as amused, considering he was axed almost 8 full yrs. to the day when he was signed as an in-season replacement for Todd Peterson (ol' semi-unreliable #2).

Whether it was a concern for peroxide sales or for the safety of towel dispensers in a Sheetz near you, dumping Jeff Reed has all the earmarks of a panic move.

The simple math was this: 11 of 13 FG on the road, 4 of 9 at home (0-4 in the 40-49 range) ...

True ... it might've been a matter of what was inside (or not inside) Jeff Reed's head -- or maybe it's a matter of finally admitting that the field surface and the crazy crosswinds make Heinz a PK graveyard.

Uh, oh ... word on the street is that something named Shaun Suisham -- not Piotr Czech (or, for that matter, international footballer, Petr Cech) -- will be the new PK on the hot seat.

"Who do you think you are, Shaun Suisham ... an ultra-modern Booth Lusteg?"

This latest development reminds ya a little of what happened to Kris Brown ... the previous #3 PK in black n' gold.

Remember how he led the NFL w/ 44 FGA in '01, but was only 6-15 from 40-49 yds. the first season of Heinz Field?

After he was 86'ed, he was 11-14 from 40-49 yds. for the Texans in '02 ... the first yr. of Reliant Stadium and its kicker-friendly surface.

Analytics such as that probably weren't going to save a guy who gained immense street cred when he destroyed that Sheetz towel dispenser shortly after SB43.

But, now it's "adios" to the man who kicked the FG two seasons ago which provided the winning margin in the only 11-10 game in NFL history.

And it was Jeff Reed's professional PAT as the clock read "0:00" which provided the winning margin last season in the only 37-36 game in NFL history.

We'll never forget his winning FG w/ :17 to play which provided the only points during the lowest-scoring game in the history of Monday Night Football (that classic, 3-0 win over Miami in the Heinz Field slop in '07).

And, most recently, it was Reed's FG in the final seconds three weeks (on the road!) which provided the winning margin in the only 23-22 game in Steelers history (maybe in NFL history, I dunno).

Maybe there were transgressions which we'll never know about -- but, all I know is that Jeff Reed represents the Sheetz Towel Dispenser Destroyer in all of us.

That should count for something, shouldn't it?

+ + +

Who The Hell Is Rachel Coating?

Finestine stumbled into our lives today by working his way onto the local radio, blah blah blah blah ... the rumor that a nearby team (the D.C. Deadskins) "cut their playbook in half" to suit the QB (McNabb) is proof that the message sent by the head coach (Shanahan) is laden with Rachel Coating.

Finestine, the guy who writes the last-page column which you never read in the magazine (the Sporting News) which you don't subscribe to, might've actually used the R-word (a "race cyst") to describe Shanahan (none of us can remember, but the implication was so overt, it was ridiculous) as a summation for the aftermath/fallout of the McNabb-for-Sexy-Rexy benching last Sunday -- and it seems mighty obvious that Finestine if hell-bent on furthering some sort of an agenda.

When Finestine got into a crossfire thing with The Sports Fix's Kevin Sheehan and Thom Lovero -- and then later w/ Steve Czaban -- he fired blanks in all directions in a blind, race-baiting line-of-reasoning which makes Mel Gibson's train of thought seem "reasonable and grounded."

And, that's really sad for the newborn baby of a 54-year-old.
What ... that she's the daughter of a Jew?
No ... that she is the spawn of a loudmouthed slob who has linked Mike Shanahan to Rachel Coating.

Aside from the fact that Finestine would prefer a coach named Rosenberg or Rosenstein (or Goldberg or Goldstein), maybe it all boils down to the fact that he's reading too much into an unconfirmed rumor (sometimes called "a leak").

It's a shame (or a pity ... not sure which) that it had to come to this. After all, if we used Finestine's own flimsy line of reasoning against him, we'd have to revoke his right to be the "color commentator" (term used loosely) on Navy football broadcasts (read: another vehicle for John to blah blah blah blah into a live microphone).

For us American citizens who aren't into the whole synagogue thing, we can't help by wonder if the next time we bump into Finey, we might not say: "Hey-ya, buddy ... what does a doughy, talks-too-much Jewboy like you know about football? I mean, REALLY know about the game. Didja play the sport? Or didja get the crap kicked outta ya by football players before they stole your dreidel and played Frisbee with your yarmulke?"

A long time ago, a lot of realized that fatsos who never played the game shouldn't talk about the game as though they did.
Until we get some laws in this country to restrict dumbshits from doin' dumbshit things, Finestine will be allowed the freedom to do more than gather quotes and regurgitate those quotes.

Oh ... and linger too long near the shower area ...

Johnny needs to stick to the sports he sucks at (tennis, golf, swimming laps at the Y) and allow us to get on with our lives w/o polluting our brains with assertions that Rodge The Commish should be investigating and resolving with a forearm shiver to Johnny's checkbook.

Finey was one step from asserting that Shanahan thinks McNabb is a stupid, lazy N-word -- a fine-able offense, to be sure.
(Yeah, that's what he implied, Rodge ... )

On the lighter side of matter, we COULD employ an open-minded viewpoint wherein we weigh the possibility that Coach Shanny and QB Donny had a wager that an actual Deadskins playbook could not be cut in in half by using a ban saw or a mitre saw.

When the experiment was complete ... "yes! we cut the playbook in half for Donovan TO DEMONSTRATE THAT A MITRE SAW CAN ACTUALLY CUT A 3-RING BINDER AND ITS CONTENTS IN HALF."

Case closed, Feinberg.

So, tell Rachel Coating and her racial coding to sit the hell down and shut the F up.

And, if ya wanna accuse Shanahan of something, put nepotism at the top of the list.

"Son of Shan" (o-coordinator Kyle Shanahan) is barely qualified to sweep the hallways at FedEx Field ...

+ + +

Crucial Fantasy League Update

Since Goodell's NFL is makin' me wait 'til tomorrow night to get together with all my rowdy bobbleheads (when The Steel Curtain crashes down on Carson Palmer and all his Cinshitnati friends), this is the perfect opportunity to check up on my Fantasy League team.

And, what a day it was ... right from the get-go, no less.

On the second play of the game, Joe Greene and Bob Lilly sandwiched Jim Kelly (and basically destroyed him) ... and when the ball squirted loose, Willie Lanier scooped it up and, after straight-arming a feeble tackle attempt by Larry Csonka, he lateraled to Tommy Nobis, who advanced the ball 12 yds. before he lateraled to Spider Lockhart, who carried it the final 33 yds. for the TD.

Just for "kicks," I allowed 2013 HOF inductee Dermontti Dawson to kick the extra point.

IT'S CALLED FANTASY FOOTBALL, PEOPLE! -- not "Is Visanthe Shiancoe Available This Week?"

And, oh, doctor ... the highlight of the second quarter was when Tshmanga Biakabutuka threw that 41-yard halfback option pass to Ifeanyi Uwaezuoke ... a tremdendous play on the pitch and the catch ... but, alas ... each player was waived at halftime.

It's called FANTASY FOOTBALL, people! -- not "Status: Doubtful, Questionable, Probable."

So, in the third quarter, I opted for the Polish QB rotation of Majkowski and Tomczak -- and each responded with perfect-spiral, 75-yard TD passes to Louis Lipps Sinks Ships.

R.W. McQuarters was beaten badly on each TD pass -- which wasn't entirely his fault, considering that he didn't have the safety help he might've hoped for after Jack Tatum was carted off the field in the first quarter after he was run over by John Henry Johnson during a 22-yard TD run.

That cart-off occurred three plays before George Atkinson was carted off the field after he was run over by Marion Motley on a 57-yard TD run.

Today's opponent is somewhat shorthanded at safety because Charlie Waters is blaming Cliff Harris ... Cliff Harris is pointing the finger at Charlie Waters ... and they both got flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct for blaming the Steelers for keeping them out of the Hall of Fame.

While they're on the bench, Spencer Pratt and The Situation are the free safety and strong safety ... and they look mighty confused (D-coordinator Cher just slammed her headset to the ground and head coach Tommy Lasorda just burned another timeout .

[God, this is a great game, here at FantasyLand Stadium ... hard to believe it's only 84-0 ... 'cuz it could've been a lot worse, as play-by-play man, Stan Barron, and color analyst, Jackie Moynahan, have indicated ... ]

"Oh, shit!" Lasorda exclaimed ... linebackers Jack Lambert and Karl Kahl (#53 for West Division High) just aggresively shoved backup QB Herb Kirkstreit out of bounds, Herbie violently collided with the table holding the Gatorade jugs and the end result of such a chain reaction was that the plastic barrels knocked over Georgia Frontiere, who fell backwards into Jerry Jones, who broke his hip and shattered his plastic face ...

"It's called Fantasy Football, people!" -- not The Ticker On The Bottom of My TV Screen Indicates That Jericho Cotchery Has One Reception For 8 Yards.

That was almost amusing as the tackle-eligible play we ran when Gene Hickerson took the handoff from Walter Payton, stiff-armed Hollywood Henderson and then flipped a tackle-eligible/tackle-option TD pass to Fuzzy Thurston, who had reported as an eligible receiver.

Wow! L.C. Greenwood just blitzed, tossed Robert Gallery out of the way and body-slammed the bejabbers outta Kyle Boller

That's the eighth QB we've de-commisioned today.
And, look who's warming up on the visitor's sideline!
It's Ryan Leaf AND Elvis Grbac!

I wish this Fantasy League Sunday never had to end ...

+ + +

Ex-Big Red Machine vs. NEW RED MACHINE

Time to grab our hymn books and to re-visit the Ghosts of Cinshitnati Past >> i.e., the examination of the following talking points:
-- the last time that the Phils n' Reds squared off in the playoffs ...
-- the last time that the Reds made the playoffs ...
-- the last time that the Reds visited Philly ...

It's a lot of ground to cover, but, beginning with Oct. '76, "ah, yes" ... America The Beautiful was awash in Bicentennial majesty and some of us were meek-and-paranoid high school freshmen uncertain about the inner-workings of chicks and unsure if a new relationship forged between a SoCal lone wolf and the up-n'-comers from Philly would develop into something as steel-clad as as the, at that time, 5-year association which had been achieved w/ the Steel Curtain.

Alas, there would be no championship rings in the immediate future for the Kalifornia Kid -- although there was that time in P.E. class when somebody asked Albert Anderson what time his dad's team was playin' Game 1.

Albert was Sparky's son (what you need to do, America, is imagine Sparky's face and long, black hair on a 14-year-old body >> NOT a pretty picture, to be sure) ...

("hey, that dude's wearing a Phillies' cap" >> of course he is, Heather ... of course he is ... )

Anyway, none of us remembers seeing Albert in or around the hallway lockers or in the cafeteria or in Social Studies following that freshman year in LancerLand.
If memory serves, Albert might've had a few problems, despite the success of Dad, who, allegedly made his off-season home in T.O. (and maybe he still does, I dunno).

For Philly locals, mid-'70s, they jammed into their semi-new, multi-purpose stadium for the organization's first postseason berth in 26 years ... wayyyy back during an era when MLB and NFL teams shared the big fish bowls >> The Vet, Riverfront, Three Rivers ...

Phillies/Eagles ... Reds/Bengals ... Steelers/Pirates ... big ballparks, loud crowds, the '70s were good to those cities ...

Such was NOT the case in America's Heartland back then ... say, in St. Louis, where the baseball Cards/football Cards were playin' a lot of .500 ball while sharing the bowl furnished by Anheuser Busch.

There can be no mistake: That '76 series sucked ... and it was a devastating blow to hustle home from school, click on the TV to NBC and see Ron Reed servin' up back-to-back HRs to Foster and Bench to begin the 9th >> and, then, abruptly, it was all over, oh shit! as Griffey hit that little tapper, first baseman Bobby Tolan charged in, but, there was no play at the plate, Concepcion completed the slide, pop-up style and then jumped into the arms of his teammates.

That was the first time that some of us actually watched such events and could actually process the process known as "anguish."
It was hard to forget the stunned expression on the face of Downtown Ollie Brown as he sat motionless on the bench with a bat resting between his legs.
101 wins down the drain >> and 6 mos. of bird-doggin' Lisa was probably also down the drain.

Lisa LostCause was part of the "despair" paradigm.
Not anguish.
Two mutually-exclusive, non-conflicting paradigms, people ...

Talking Point #2: We all remember the last time that Cinshitnati reached the postseason >> 1995 ... a simpler time in America's post-MLB Strike of '94 ... as the Phils' front office (for whatever reason) had summarily and diligently deconstructed and dismantled the '93 National League champions ("to what end?" we wondered) by executing a myriad of questionable personnel moves (far too many to list here).

All this whilst the Redlegs of That Era were wearin' those lame white caps w/ red brims (during the '90s/Y2K experiment of 30 or 40 uniform combinations) ... Barry Larkin was the NL MVP and "jeepers, that Pete Schourek had a heckuva year, didn't he?" >> and who can forget Jeff Brantley's 28 saves (44 the next year before gettin' hisself all injured in '97 >> which worked out beautifully when he brought that balsa-wood arm to Team Francona ...

WARNING LABEL: The 2000 Phillies = Francona (65-97), Omar Daal (2-9, 4-19 overall), Paul Byrd (2-9, 6.51), Brantley (2-7, 5.86, 23 saves), Jason Boyd and his 6.55 ERA pitched in 30 gms. (swear to god, I've never even heard of that guy ... 30 games?) ... 2001 Phillies = Bowa (86-76), Omar Daal (8-1 start, 13-7 / 4.46), Joe Table (2.34, 42 saves) and Eddie Oropesa and his 30 gms. were a welcome relief over Jason Boyd, whom I never even heard of ...

Back to the Reds of '95 >> like the song asks, "Where have you gone, Eddie Taubensee?"
[[[ Better question: Why did the MLB Network's Barry Larkin -- previously mentioned -- fail to receive HOF enshrinement in his first year of eligibility last Jan.? Compared to ex-Red Joe Morgan, Barry Larkin was a better player (in terms of consistency for a greater period of time) ... in fact, aside from Joe Morgan's 6-year "superstar window" ('72 thru '77), he piled up a lot of Marlon Anderson-type years. And, he was a sub.-200 hitter in all of those postseason games (with Rose hitting ahead of him and Bench, Perez and Foster behind him? c'mon ... ) >> nobody's sayin' that Little Joe SHOULDN'T be in the HOF, but, since he made it on the first ballot, Barry Larkin HAS to go in on the first ballot (it figures: the mustard-stained shirts who vote, didn't put 2B Sandberg in 'til his THIRD year of eligibility -- and it'll be interesting to see how they screw with Jeff Kent ... ]]]

Y'see, it's SHIT such as that which makes The MLB unwatchable and unfollowable -- unpunished criminal action, i.e. Lasorda going into Cooperstown approx. 15 mins. (actually, it was 6 mos., but who's counting?) upon announcing his retirement (read: "MOB ties" ... seriously, how else do ya explain it?).

If only HOF voters had dialed it back to the previous decade when Irwin Fletcher punched the framed photo hanging in Chief Karlin's office >> [SMASH!] "I hate Tommy Lasorda!" >> then maybe BleedsDodgerBlue coulda waited his turn -- as Sparky did when he waited until his FULL five yrs. were up before the Veterans Committee selected "Captain Hook" back in 2000.

The Great Lasorda Panic of '96 was a farce, wasn't it? The MLB thought that Lasorda was gonna die, so a HOF enshrinement (which was so very borderline to begin with) was hustled into effect.
Do the math: Sparky retired the season before Lasorda, but WAS FORCED TO WAIT for induction 'til 3 yrs. after Lasorda.

Typical bullshit from the Clinton Administration ...

Talking Point #3: The modern era >> Dusty's squad w/ the young-stallion pitchers w/ goofy haircuts (Volquez, Cueto & Arroyo), the Cuban P defector who clocks 100 MPH consistently (Chapman), the cleancut sluggers ("Votto-matic!", Bruce and Stubbs) and The Ex-Phillie Which Philly Loves To Hate (Rolen).

Wait a sec ... are we 'sposed to believe that Mighty "Klu" would fit right in with the stars we've just mentioned?

Maybe ... but the thing that makes Cincy from being a truly likeable ballclub is Dusty's triple-wide wristies, the 'pick, the lizard tongue and all the damage he did to the Phils while wearing Dodger Blue in '77/'78 (it's still difficult to totally embrace Davey Lopes >> sorry, pal ... ).

Y'wanna know who didn't need triple-wide wristbands?

"Klu" ...

Of course, this is Cincy's first visit to Philly since that 4-game funfest just before The Break -- and the Reds just might be out for blood, considering how that July get-together turned out:

1) Schneider's walk-off HR in the btm of the 12th ...
2) Howard's 2-run walk-off HR in the btm of the 10th after Dobbsie's 3-run jack and Cody Ransom's 2-run poke ("yeah, I said 'Cody Ransom,' goddammit!") helped the Phils come back from 7-1 down against rookie Mike Leake entering the 9th ...
3) J-Role's walk-off single down the RF line in the btm of the 11th after Chooch led off the inning with a double >> and after Ruiz doubled to the very same LCF gap leading off the 9th after rookie Travis Wood (in his third MLB game) retired the first 24 Phillies ...
4) Cole Hamels' masterpiece on the Sunday goin' into the break ...

The sum of that series, it seems, is that the Phils (The New Red Machine) are snuffing out any memories of the Ol' Big Red Machine.

And, with the mighty 6-pack from the heart of the lineup for postseasons '07, '08, '09, maybe they can become the first team since Debs Garms' St. Louis Cards of '42, '43, '44 to win 3 consecutive N.L. pennants (even though Debs Garms didn't play in '42 ... 'cuz he was fightin' the Nazis in something called Double-U Double-U Two).

Let's lookit the big board (or the laminated stat card that some of us keep in our wallet):

Victorino 32 gm. (.277 > 33x119), 7 2B, 2 3B, 6 HR, 23 rbi
Howard . 32 gm. (.271 > 32x118), 9 2B, 1 3B, 7 HR, 27 rbi > 20 BB
Werth . . 31 gm. (.261 > 31x119), 8 2B, 2 3B, 7 HR, 17 rbi
Rollins . . 31 gm. (.231 > 31x134), 7 2B, 1 3B, 3 HR, 11 rbi
Ruiz . . . .32 gm. (.303 > 30 x 99 ), 7 2B, 1 3B, 3 HR, 13 rbi > 19 BB
Utley . . . 32 gm. (.252 > 29x115), 4 2B, 0 3B, 9 HR, 19 rbi > 27 BB

That's some robust production, not to mention a handsome balance (was it only 3 yrs. ago when the Fightin's went into the playoffs with a 5-tool CF (Rowand) and a RF platoon of Victorino & Werth one season after trading away the 30/30, 100-rbi, 100-BB, .300, Gold Glove RF Bobby Abreu because he didn't care ... or didn't play as if he cared ... or didn't care if anybody didn't care that he actually did care ...

Now, it's up to that sextet to deliver the goods during a postseason run which'll reinforce that MLB-best 97-65 record not to mention obliterating the memory of the Ghost of Debs Garms, The St. Louis Cardinal Nazi Killer.

Wow ... Victorino's next postseason hit will give him the team record.

Schmidt . 36 gm. (.236 > 33x140), 9 2B, 0 3B, 4 HR, 16 rbi
Maddox . 29 gm. (.271 > 29x107), 8 2B, 0 3B, 1 HR, 11 rbi
Bowa . . . 27 gm. (.262 > 27x103), 3 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 5 rbi
Rose . . . 25 gm. (.327 > 31 x 95 ), 3 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 6 rbi
Boone . . 24 gm. (.264 > 19 x 72 ), 2 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 7 rbi
Luzinski . 19 gm. (.269 > 18 x 67 ), 5 2B, 1 3B, 5 HR, 12 rbi

Seeing how these numbers don't stack up against the modern-era stars, we don't know if any of our heroes from yesteryear could hang with today's Dandy Dons, etc.
Probably ... if we apply rules of baseball relativity ...

I mean, in a Tom Emanski-imagined baseball skillz competition, is the Flyin' Hawaiian better than Garry Maddox? Could Victorino have played "back then"? Could Maddox play today?

Fightin' Phanatics are gonna find out.

Oddly enough, the last time that the Fightin's DID NOT sell out The Cit (before the current streak of 135 sellouts in a row -- or thereabouts) was that 22-1 win over the Reds in July of last season ... a blowout ignited by a 10-run 1st, highlighted by Victorino's 2-run HR, Dobbs' 2-run HR, Hamels' 3-run 2B, Rollins' RBI 2B and a 3-run HR by Utley ... not a great night for Johnny Cueto.

Or for infielder Paul Janish, who pitched the 8th and gave up 6 runs, capped by Werth's 3-run HR.

Janish pitched one inning of a blowout 2 mos. earlier vs. the Brew Crew and gave up 5 runs in that mop-up session (meaning that his ERA ballooned to only 49.50 from 45.00, which isn't all that bad, all things considered).

In the Phillies cosmos, however, that 22-1 rout might've signaled the dawning of Phillie Phanticism gone wild, seeing how that month last year ended with the beating death of that guy, David Sale, inside and outside of McFadden's (during the same game vs. St. Loo when Cards players were bothered by the green light of a laser pointer during that FOX Saturday game).

The fans carried the momentum of the beating death carried out by the drunken Fishtown 3 with such nefarious acts as the woman who was charged with soliciting sex for World Series tix, the vomitting guy, toddlers drinkin' beer, the dude who got Tasered, the guy who shoulda been Tasered the very next night for jumping onto the field while wearing capri pants, the guy in the red body suit a few weeks ago during the Atlanta series ...

As far as fans which are "most deserving," Phillie fans probably ain't it.

I mean, if Phillie Phan ever finds out that Whammy Douglas posed for a Topps card as a Redlegs pitcher while never actually ever pitching in a game for the Redlegs, Phillie Phan is probably gonna blame Scott Rolen and then fill water balloons with urine and throw 'em toward Rolen from The Cit's upper-deck seating.

Which is what ya'd expect, isn't it?

It's playoff time.

Gotta pick up their game ...

+ + +

Matt Garza Did What Again?

They're sayin' that Matt Garza tossed a no-no tonight ... yet, for a lot of us, the only time we wanna hear Matt Garza's name is to complete the following sentence:

"Game 3 was tied, 1-1, in the bottom of the second until Carlos Ruiz untied it with a solo home run off of Matt Garza."

The only other time I wanna hear Matt Garza's name is when it's used to begin this sentence:

"Matt Garza's undoing occurred in the bottom of the sixth when he allowed back-to-back homers to Chase Utley and Ryan Howard to give the Phillies a 4-1 lead."

Or ... Matt Garza's name could be used here, I suppose:

"Matt Garza was let off the hook to receive a 'no decision' when first-base umpire Tom Hallion -- who was desperately and unprofessionally out of position -- ruled Carl Crawford safe at first after Howard smartly barehanded Jamie Moyer's diving shovel-toss BEFORE Crawford touched the base."

If none of those suit my fancy, I'll have no other choice but to use Matt Garza's name to complete this sentence:

"Matt Garza and the rest of his Tampa Bay teammates dejectedly exited the dugout moments after the Phillies' winning rally was furnished by Eric Bruntlett getting hit in the ass by a pitched ball before he stole second, continued to third on Dioner Navarro's throwing error and eventually scoring the winning run on a walk-off, 47-foot dribbler by Ruiz at 1:47 on probably the greatest Sunday morning in Phillies history ... a Sunday which was capped by Matt Garza (and me ... and the Mrs.) in the ballpark for the Game 4, 10-2 romp which capped the unquestioned greatest Sunday in Phillies history."

Matt Garza threw a no-hitter tonight?
Beee ... efff ... deee ... *
(* -- The acronym for Big Fuckin' Deal ... )

It matters not what Matt Garza THINKS he achieved tonight.
What matters is that Matt Garza was there when we needed him.

Just as Edwin Jackson was here (see above) when we needed somebody from the '08 Rays to groove a meaty pitch that Joe Blanton could crank for a laser-beam homer into the LCF seats beyond the flower bed during that unforgettable Game 4.

And, since his no-no against his former team one month ago (during this, "The Year of the Pitcher," wink wink, ha ha), Edwin Jackson has logged some quality mound time for the D-Backs:

A 1-3 record w/ a 6.85 ERA.

Let's all sing it together:

YEAR ... !
OF ... !
THE PITCHER ... !
(MY ASS!) ... !

+ + +

Dallas Braden Q&A (w/ "update!")

Now that the dust has settled and the blood has finally dried, it seems as though the only logical way to handle recent events is to activate either the Q&A or the FAQ format and explore what's on our minds and in our hearts.

WHAT THE HELL IS A QUOTE-UNQUOTE "DALLAS BRADEN"?
He's the A's pitcher who made a name for himself (sort of earlier) a few weeks ago when he got all pissy 'cuz A-Rod ran across Dallas Braden's mound while returning to the Yankee dugout. And, apparently, something called Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game today.

WAS DALLAS BRADEN JUSTIFIED IN BEEFING WITH A-ROID?
Sure ... why not.

WAS IT PROPER OF A-ROID TO USE A "15 MINUTES OF FAME" TAG FOR DALLAS BRADEN?
Completely.

HOW CAN A PITCHER NAMED "DALLAS" LAST LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES?
Well, if he's this guy:

... he can do it by serving up not only the lone grand slam of Pete Rose's career but also by surrendering Jimmy Piersall's 100th career homer, which prompted the very unstable Jimmy P. to round the bases while running backwards.

DO YOU 'SPOSE THAT WHEN HE WAS PETE ROSE'S MANAGER IN PHILLY THAT DALLAS GREEN EVER MADE MENTION OF THAT HOMER TO PETEY?

Which one -- the grand slam or the Piersall homer? It's a good guess that Dallas Green wasn't grinning when that wack-job, Piersall, was running backwards ... a "crime" greater than A-Rod running across the mound.

JUDGING FROM THE FORM THAT HE DISPLAYED WHEN HE TOSSED OUT THE CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH BEFORE THE CLINCHING GAME 5 OF THE NLCS VS. L.A. LAST OCTOBER, IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT DALLAS GREEN'S SHAME HAS ABATED SOMEWHAT?

Maybe not. I mean, lookit the sweater he was wearing under that Phillies shirt. Honest to God, who put a gun to his head and made him wear that sweater?

COULD IT HAVE BEEN JIMMY PIERSALL?
Doubtful ... but, either way it's an overt fashion disaster ... because following that ceremonial pitch, he took off the Phillies shirt, thus, revealing a hodge-podge of red-and-black swirls and splotches.

EVEN MORE UNUSUAL THAN THAT CREEPY SWEATER IS THE FACT THAT WE'VE MANAGED TO TURN THIS "DID DALLAS BRADEN ACTUALLY THROW A PERFECT GAME?" Q&A INTO A TRIBUTE TO DALLAS GREEN.

Yeah ... pretty cool, ain't it? The beauty part is that we can seriously ratchet up this "Dallas Green Tribute" and make it a double-whammy of Dallas Green by including #24 of Robert Morris U. --> "Dallas Green." He dazzled us in the 52-50 win over Quinnipiac for the Northeast Conference tournament championship ... a game in which Quinnipiac had 16 baskets and 15 turnovers whilst Robert Morris went 7 of 17 from the line.

WHEN YOU SAY THAT DALLAS GREEN "DAZZLED" US IN THAT 52-50 WIN OVER QUINNIPIAC, CAN YOU DEFINE "DAZZLE"?
The numbers which I used speak for themselves.

IS IT FAIR TO COMPARE DALLAS GREEN1, THE BASEBALLER, TO DALLAS GREEN2, THE B/BALLER?
No. Because to do so would be to take time away from acknowledging/praising Dallas Drake.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT. THE DALLAS DRAKE SAGA WAS A GENUINE FEEL-GOOD STORY, WASN'T IT?
Sure was. The guy was one of the so-called "rising stars" for the Red Wings during those powerful years of the early-to-mid-'90s ... but then he was shipped out as Scotty Bowman built a powerhouse his way. So, "yes" ... seeing the young hotshot No. 33 come back and win the Cup as the reliable and hard-nosed No. 17 before announcing his retirement, "yes" ... that was very gratifying.

DIDN'T THE DALLAS DRAKE STORY HAVE THE FAIRY-TALE ENDING THAT WE HOPED WE'D READ ABOUT FOR DALLAS COMEGYS?

Sort of. Except this (see above) isn't Dallas Comegys which you've included here. It looks a lot more like that the DePaul player who we always though was a Dallas Comegys clone ... Tyrone Corbin.

TYRONE CORBIN AND DALLAS COMEGYS ARE "NOT" THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER?
Apparently not ... although Dallas Comegys, not Tyrone Corbin, did carve out a nice little career for himself playin' overseas.

IF DALLAS COMEGYS AND TYRONE CORBIN ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER, THEN HOW DO WE RANK DALLAS BRADEN VS. DALLAS BAKER?
That's difficult to say when we weigh the Steeler career stats for the 7th-round pick in the '07 draft.
One career reception for 6 yds. in '08.

ONE CATCH FOR 6 YARDS? TWO YEARS AGO? THAT LEAVES HIM WAYYYYYYYY BEHIND DALLAS CLARK IN CAREER RECEPTIONS, DOESN'T IT?

AND WHY THE HELL DOES DALLAS CLARK GET SPECIAL TREATMENT, i.e. WEARING HIS COLLEGE #44 INSTEAD OF THE NFL-MANDATED #80 THRU #89 FOR ALL TIGHT ENDS?
That's one helluva good point -- particularly since here (above, R) Hawkeye Dallas Clark is trying to avoid Wisconsin safety Jason Aiello, who is wearing the same style of white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey which I own.

If people don't already know it, a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey is ideal for Workplace Jersey Fridays during autumn.
Sometimes, I ponder the possibilities of Dallas Jessup in a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey more than Dallas Clark in his Iowa #44 or his Indy #44.

DALLAS JESSUP? IS HE THE DUDE IN THIS PHOTO (^) WHO'S ABOUT TO RECEIVE A KNEE TO THE NUTS?
Dallas Jessup is the "she" in that photo ... and she's all business, according to her bio on the back of this recently-purchased, big-grab bag of Doritos.

It sez here that "the 16-year-old blonde from the state of Washington is a Tae Kwon Do black belt and an instructor in Filipino Street Fighting. After reading about a string of assaults in her area, she decided to use her skills to help teens defend themselves against attack. She created the free Just Yell Fire video," et cetera, et cetera ...

THAT MIGHT BE AN OLD BAG OF DORITOS BECAUSE THE INTRA-WEB SEZ THAT DALLAS JESSUP IS NOW AN 18-YEAR-OLD FRESHMAN AT VANDERBILT WHO'S A DEVOUT HUMAN-RIGHTS ACTIVIST. DOESN'T THAT SOUND A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A BASEBALL PITCHER WHO PROMOTES "THE 2-1-9"?
I guess so. But, that's the last time I trust a Big Grab of Doritos.

SEEMS AS THOUGH WE NEVER HEAR ENOUGH ABOUT "FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING." IS THAT SUPERIOR TO BRAZILIAN JIU-JITSU THAT WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT? AND, IF THEY EVER DO A Y2K RE-MAKE OF "STAGECOACH," WOULD IT NOT MAKE TOTAL SENSE TO CAST DALLAS JESSUP IN ANN-MARGRET'S ROLE AS THE DANCE-HALL GIRL NAMED "DALLAS"?
Well, for one thing ... the role of "Dallas" in the play/movie is not only dance-hall girl, but also a hooker. Dallas Jessup is not a hooker, according to Frito-Lay's Doritos wrapper ... she's a Filipino Street Fighter. If we re-make that movie with Dallas Jessup as Dallas, let's cast her as the street fighter who helps the townspeople kick the crap outta the Filipinos and the Brazilians.

IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT ANN-MARGRET -- BREATHTAKING THOUGH SHE MAY BE (AND SHALL ALWAYS REMAIN) -- COULD NEVER HAVE PULLED OFF ANY FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING SCENES IN "STAGECOACH"?
Right ... but that's not the point -- because the funny thing about the 1966 version of "Stagecoach" is that it also featured a young starlet named Stefanie Powers.

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACCORDING TO THE WORD ON THE STREET, ANN-MARGRET'S LAST NAME IS "OLSSON" AND STEFANIE POWERS' IS "FEDERKIEWICZ"?

It sure makes ya wonder if Stef's family pronounced it "Fedd-DURR-kuh-wicks" or if they went with "fedder-KAY-vitch." Although Polish names are cool as hell, there's something to be said about the simplicity of the Swedish names such as "Olsson."

YEAH, BUT NEITHER OF THOSE ACTRESSES HAD A COOL NAME SUCH AS "VIRGIL TRUCKS."

No, only Virgil Trucks had the name Virgil Trucks ... and there are two fun facts about Virgil Trucks: 1) His real name really is Virgil Trucks (unless Virge forgot to tell anybody that his last name was Americanized and abbreviated to "Trucks" from either "Truckiewicz" or "Truckosaurus") and 2) In 1952, Virgil Trucks pitched two no-hitters during a season in which he went 5-19.

That's frickin' brilliant ...

IS IT LEGAL TO "RANK" NO-HITTERS? AFTER ALL, DALLAS BRADEN'S WAS A PERFECT GAME ... ON MOTHER'S DAY ... AGAINST THE RED-HOT TAMPA RAYS.

Nostalgia aside, some of us will always rank Jim Bunning's perfecto on Father's Day, 1964 ahead of Braden's Mother's Day magnificence. And Rick Wise's no-no was special, too.

YEAH, BUT WISE'S GAME WASN'T A PERFECTO.

That's right. It was better than "perfection."

HOW SO?
Because it was heroic. And because Rick Wise won 19 games for the Flopsox in '75 then he got dicked in the postseason, so ... Dallas Braden can basically cram it.

SO, THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF HEROISM?
True dat. I mean, lookit that clown ... Jody Gerut. He went into the weekend batting .133 (4 for 30) then he busts loose on Saturday and hits for the cycle.

WHO THE HELL DOES JODY GERUT THINK HE IS?
Nobody's sure.

WHO DOES JODY GERUT PLAY FOR, ANYWAY?
Nobody can remember.

WHO DID HE HIT FOR THE CYCLE AGAINST?
Nobody cares.

IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE SCUTTLEBUTT THAT DALLAS BRADEN'S NO-NO WASN'T EVEN THE BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEKEND?
Exactly! That distinction is reserved for Jamie Moyer, the guy who wears his age (50) and the MPH of his fastball (50) on the back of his shirt. All he did was twirl a complete-game, 2-hit shutout with 0 walks vs. the Braves.

IS JAMIE MOYER A HALL OF FAMER?
Absolutely.

WILL HE EVER BE ENSHRINED?
Absolutely not.

WHY'S THAT?
Have you seen who votes on such matters? Fred MustardStainOnHisUnwashedPoloShirt. Honestly .... if Gammons or Kurkjian are such geniuses, watch 'em stutter when you explain that Gary Carter and Lance Parrish were essentially THE SAME PLAYER during their careers, alas ... only Carter is in the Hall.
It's the same deal with Bob Boone, who, over the course of AN ENTIRE CAREER, was better than Gary Carter.

EITHER WAY, MOYER DOIN' WHAT HE'S DOIN' AT AGE 47 IS FRICKIN' INSANE. WITH THAT 47 MPH FASTBALL, IT BASICALLY MEANS THAT HE HAS TO PITCH HIS ASS OFF TO EVERY BATTER. SO, WHADDYA 'SPOSE DALLAS BRADEN WILL BE DOING WHEN HE'S 47?
Same thing he'll be doing at 37 ... swing-shift floor manager at the finest topless bar in Stockton, errrr ... "the Two One Nine."
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ UPDATE: The subhead on this week's S.I. story (by Tom Verducci) re: Dallas Braden is a real lulu, a description of the pitcher which reads: "... a soft-throwing, off the radar lefty who lost his mother to cancer throwing the 19th perfect game in baseball history."

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE "EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES" SCENARIOS?
Naw. This seems more like a "I Had A Dream Last Night That I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas." None of us knew that Dallas Braden's mom died of cancer while pitching a perfect game. And who knew that an elephant could fit into my pajamas?
Sons of bitches ...

+ + +

The BIG BENigma

Because Oklahoma Sooner star basketball player Carlee Roethlisberger's big bro is now a "pariah," Rodge The Commish will strongly recommend that all of us who have counterfeit ROTHLESBURGER 7 jerseys which we've been selling outta the trunk of our cars for the past three years destroy that merchandise either by bonfire or wood chipper.

'Cuz that's what a commish does.

He commishes.

And enforces.

Make no mistake: Rodge wants America to know that he's a pro-active crimebuster.

He's pre-emptive, too.

Which is why, when America is finished destroying all of its $275 authentic ROETHLISBERGER 7 jerseys, its counterfeit ROTHLISBURGER 7 jerseys and its ROETHLISBERGER 10 Oklahoma Sooner women's b/ball tank tops, there might be a market, after all is said and done, for a COLLIER 7 Steelers jersey -- in recognition of the fine work that Reggie Collier did as the Steelers' strike replacement backup QB (to the unforgettable Steve Bono) during the NFL players' strike of '87.

And, because he was a Steelers #7 who is NOT the recently super-unpopular Roethlisberger.

As it stands, the Steelers' Ben-igmatic QB is scheduled to miss anywhere from 4-6 games to open the season, which isn't as bad as it sounds considering that the Black N' Gold missed the playoffs last season with the Big Ben-igma available for 15 of 16 games.

Hence, now is not the time to re-hash those bitter defeats to the Browns and Raiders, not to mention two that'll-piss-ya-off-to-your-core games which got away vs. Cinshitnati.

Instead, we're acting all introspective because Rodge The Commish administered his commissioner-doing-his-commissioner-like-due-diligence suspension based not on crimes which Roethlisberger may or may not have actually committed against two women who actually may or may not be sluts or psychopaths (or both), but for the QB's allegedly besmirching of "the values" which the NFL shield stands for.

In the case of Rodge v. Roeth, Goodell played God and cited the QB's violation of the NFL's so-called personal conduct policy (in legalese, they call it something like "moral terpitude") and made it clear to America that Bad Ben has somehow established a pattern of behaviour for dickheadedness.

According to Rodge.

Roeth's mistake was that he maybe got himself entangled w/ psycho chicks and maybe matters got outta hand and maybe the ground can't cause a fumble, et cetera ...

Rodge, however, is guilty of violating The Eldrick Statute -- saying too much too often and offering nothing of much value other than deflection, a la Tiger.

The correct way to play it? "Brevity" ... and steer clear of the pulpit re: the NFL's "high values."

True, one of the NFL's trademarks is "giving back to the community" (thanks, United Way!), albeit we must remind ourselves from time to time exactly what the NFL seizes from the community.

In other words, just 'cuz players huddle together on one knee immediately after the game and ceremonially give thanks to God, Rodge needs to wake up and smell the cha-ching! of the cash-register drawer.

In a nutshell, the NFL's core values are:
1) Gambling, gambling and more gambling
2) Fantasy leagues
3) Teams exhibiting "high values" of competition by rolling over and playing dead in Weeks 16 and 17 so that they are well-rested for mediocre showings in the playoffs (that's you, Cinshitnati)
4) Carefully-packaged and skillfully-marketed booze and tits (TV ads, cheerleaders)
5) A 47-yard pass interference penalty in which a DB (Will Allen) barely brushes the arm of the WR (Braylon Edwards) on MNF
5) The unforgiveable sodomization of Gene Hickerson (the Cleveland Browns guard who was passed over for the Hall of Fame for 33 yrs. -- and then when he was enshrined in '08, Hickerson's mind was so ravaged by Alzheimer's that Gene could've been handed a coffee can filled with bolts as somebody said, "Here's your trophy, Mr. Hickerson" and, "yes" ... that's Gene Hickerson's blood on Goodell's hands (and don't gimme that "It's Tagliabue's fault") if he can't steer a committee of blockheads to vote responsibly ... and, now, Gene Hickerson is dead ... )

Given this list ... THAT'S who/what is passing judgement on Roethlisberger???

Makes about as much sense as seeking out Rae Carruth for his opinion on the matter because, after all, Rae Carruth himself didn't actually pull the trigger.

In acting all "hands-on," Rodge set forth a slippery slope which'll entertain us for years -- mostly while players tackle while leading with the crowns of their helmets to their opponents' earholes.

Another concussion? How'd THAT happen?

If Rodge were an educator and not merely an administrator, he'd be coachin' them boys how to exhibit better tackling techniques.

Alas ...

Clearly, Rodge v. Roeth is a thinly-veiled power play which'll melt like a Popsicle on a July-baked Chicago sidewalk once exposed to the untraviolet radiation of Rodge's uneven and arbitrary application of how the NFL can strive toward of better neighborhood populated by good citizens.

To the bastard children born out of wedlock to NFL players, however, Rodge's spanking of Roethlisberger is a victory for those bastard children whose moms who were banged by NFL players.

For some of us, though, Roethlisberger was/is/will-always-be a two-dimensional player who appears on our regular-def TV once a week, so there's no need to lose sleep over the fact that he might've been a prick with chicks who talk a good game (take it from somebody who spent 7 yrs. w/ somebody who had 50+ pairs of "FM" pumps >> the "FM," of course, was NOT an acronym for "fantastically marvelous," as we're all well-aware), but then get all pouty when the matter of dealing with a pierced labia isn't handled on their terms (ahhhh, yes ... reminders of co-existence in a co-ed dorm ... thanks for takin' me back, NFL, to the nights of gettin' good headache from Kimmy G. and/or Connie Rob ... ).

For those who are fervent in their battle cry of "She said no" and/or "No means no," it's prudent to always consider the other side of the coin.

The one where "no" means: "No, don't stop."

After all, it is conceivable that no matter the extent of Bad Ben's dickheadedness, his "indiscretions" might actually have been two cases of bad timing functioning in concert with two psychopathic sleazebuckets.

Rodge felt compelled to throw the flag and march off 4-6 games for "a pattern of behaviour" ... arbitrary rulings which fall beyond his jurisdiction because ["let's all sing it together"] he wasn't there.

Just as he wasn't there when Kimmy G was already shitfaced by the time I arrived at that off-campus party and, after shootin' me down for months, she was suddenly draped all over my action ... until she hosted a sobered-up Monday summit to review the E&O report, misremembering her errors and omissions, of course.

And, he wasn't there when, a few months after Drunk Kim's Drunken Night of Drunkeness, that girl from third floor -- the very tall "Connie Rob" (who was three stories tall and whom I barely knew) -- demonstrated, in no uncertain terms, that she was a selectively-aggressive, chick-on-dude tigress who knew how to completely disrupt a rare Friday-night study time by appearing outta nowhere and providing some uninitiated-by-me-but-not-refused-by-me, good-natured horniness.

And, let's not forget off-campus Kimberly Rose (Kim2 in this equation ... who was the complete opposite of Kimmy G.) and her formula for coralling unsuspecting-but-willing prey:

"Just show up."

(And possess male genitalia) ...

It's not unlike when George Costanza told the Japanese TV representatives in the "un-Karl Farbman-like" episode >> "You've been living in America too long." (gestures to the bag of oranges) "You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges."

All us guys have a Kimmy G. Tease, a ConnieEagerToPlease and a KR Sleaze in our past, yet Rodge is so drunk on his commisionerosity right now that he's forgotten that the puntang power struggle has many levels of under-development and over-development.

And, he's forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.

Sometimes, chicks forget that a postgame "no means no" is in direct conflict to a "green means 'go' " paradigm during the heat of battle.

If Goodell and his God Complex had "been there" to rule on the Kimmy G./Too Tall Connie "indiscretions" based on chick bias, agendas and misrepresentation, I'd've been suspended for anywhere from 5 to 15 games during the intramural season when it was those chicks initiating the direct action of violating my personal space.

So, "yeah" ... it WAS worth it to victimize Six-Three Conn-Nee in those games of Quarters.

She wasn't actin' like a "victim" after she was escorted back to her room (tah-dah!)

Sometimes, naughty chicks ruin a good guy's good reputation, only, right now, it doesn't seem as though Bad Ben has a CheckOutMyNewGirlfriendCynthia which he can wave in their faces.

Cyn had some wheels, everybody agreed ...

With his busy schedule, maybe Bad Ben doesn't have the means to find a leggy Cyn of his own -- and, to those who condemn a 28-year-old for mixin' it up w/ a 20-year-old, let's not forget what science has taught us:

At 28, men are 2 yrs. shy of their sexual potency.

At 20, chicks are 2 yrs. past their sexual potency.

Hey, that's nature talkin', not me >> the 30-year-old dude and 18-year-old chick never works on the levels of societal compatibility ... but, it's a sexual neutron bomb.

Which is why the 25-year-old guy and his 25-year-old wife usually run out of gas less than 2 yrs. into their marriage.

After that, they're playin' out the string ...

Oftentimes, with kids attached (yee haw!) ...

But, enough of every relationship outside my own marriage ...

What matters is that Bad Ben is falling far behind in the QB relations race, since he hasn't pulled a Tom Brady and produced a bastard son w/ the co-star of "I, Robot" ... and he hasn't pulled a Jeff Garcia and pulled a Playboy bunny out of his hat ... and he hasn't pulled a Kyle Boller and gotten himself engaged to a Miss California who has a smokin'-hot sex tape in circulation.

[Shhhhhhh! Nobody mention the time when Brady hosted 'SNL' and he starred in the workplace/sexual harassment skit highlighted by the QB unabashedly grabbing the left tit of the super-unfunny Amy Poehler -- an act which was permissable, given what the public-service production told us to do in order to avoid sexual-harassment issues: "A) Be handsome B) Be attractive C) Don't be unattractive" ... ]

[Shhhhhhh, part2! Nobody mention what happened to QB Steve McNair and how he got permanently Kazemi'ed on Rodge's watch. Rodge might've wanted to suspend Kazemi, if only she hadn't splattered McNair's brains all over the sofa before she splattered her own brains all over McNair ... "shhhhhh!" ... ]

In his defense, Rodge cannot determine his jurisdiction if nobody tells him what his jurisdiction is -- which is how a Goodell gets a God Complex.

Speaking of jurisDICKshin, Rodge cannot suspend NFL-affiliated Jimmy Johnson for appearing as a spokesperson for ExtenZe (the dick-lengthening secret which they apparently sell in capsule form) because the underlying theme in Jimmy's message is: "Remember, men ... ExtenZe will make your dick longer, but it's up to you, as a good citizen, to use that lengthened cock in an appropriately mature and responsible manner."

Interesting ... ExtenZe'll give a longer and presumably harder dick ... and while it'll turn ya into a man, it can't turn ya into a "gentle"man.

Fascinating ...

Since Rodge has a seeming selective sense of morality legislation, he might not budge on the Jimmy Johnson matter until the ex-coach kicks it up a notch and does an infommercial for a new book: "Jimmy Johnson's Championship Tips For Eating Pussy."

["Pssssst, Rodge ... the guy's peddling a dick lengthener, not a chocolately laxative ... "].

We've seen this shit before ... most recently when NY guv Eliot Spitzer went all Eliot Ness on hookers n' druggies n' such ... 'til he was outted as Client No. 9.

It does seem as though Rodge is puttin' atop his wish list a day when everyday women are no longer subjected to the evils of NFL QBs ... and we can all return to getting past what might've (or might not've) occurred in a bathroom in a Milledgeville bar and re-focusing on the women in our lives who wear jazzy makeup and glittery costumes which accentuate their tits and asses for our home team's cheer squad.

During the aftermath of RoethlisGate, the easiest thing to do was to act artificially PC and declare Roethlisberger to be the greatest asshole of the modern era. From hardcore-to-lukewarm Steeler fans, the all-too-common mantra 'round the neighborhood was the parrot-like squawk of "they-shoulda-gotten-ridda-him, awk!"

Make up your mind, weirdos-who-find-Steely-McBeam-a-suitable-mascot-name. When ya had good citizen/insurance salesman Tommy Maddox as the QB, ya got all pissy when he didn't win every game, 35-7.

THIS TRIBUNAL isn't here to defend Roethlisberger in order to justify the illegal sales of counterfeit Rothlesburger jerseys. No, we find it more sporting to shoot bazooka holes into what Rodge The Commish stands for ... particularly when he states that Bad Ben embarrassed himself, the Steelers and the NFL.

Really? Did Rodge mean "the National Football League" ... the place where upstanding fans who aren't drunk will picket games next season, parading outside stadiums w/ picket signs which read: "Protect Our Slutty & Shitfaced Daughters From Bad Ben"?

THAT National Football League?
The one with teaser bets and parlays?
"Y'know, I was gonna put 5 bills on the Panthers-Seahawks game, but that damn Roethlisberger made me so mad, I think I'll put this money into my son's college fund."

Thanks to Crimebuster Rodge, there are no NFL lineman who have access to top-notch masking agents to disguise rampant anabolic steroid and HGH usage ... because, dammit, cheaters existed in Pete Rozelle's NFL, not in RodgeTown.
Those 350-lb. linemen got that way via the bench press, the military press, squats and the Tower 200 by Body By Jake.

It's a cop-out ... a suspension based on what might be largely vague -- and then the justification of said suspension smothered in rich-chocolatey rhetoric.

Well, until Rodge patches the multitude of cracks in the NFL's foundation, he has about as much clout as Toby Flinderson or Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.

In the end, watchdog groups fail when nobody's watching the watchdog.

Gene Hickerson is proof of that.
Ditto for Hall-of-Famer-in-waiting, Dermontti Dawson ...

+ + +

The Rage of Eyjafjallajokull

That's what makes nature so special:

At the time in our lives when we've finally remembered the spelling and pronunciation of the names of the wild scene unfolding within our immagination -- y'know, the one where QB Asoteletangafamosili Pogi fakes the handoff to Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala before floating a pass into the right flat to Tshmanga Biakabutuka as linebacker Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila closes in -- nature's raw power kicks in and Asoteletangafamosili Pogi, Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Tshmanga Biakabutuka and Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila have no choice but to yield.

Asoteletangafamosili Pogi ... was nowhere near
Eyjafjallajokull when she erupted (so he claims)

Nature ... it evolves and re-evolves and de-evolves and un-resolves -- but, through it all, no matter the full-scale fury and ferocity featured by the Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokull should've known that it was futile to tangle with my little ginger snap.

Eyjafjallajokull tried his/her/its best to knock Aso, CFM, Tim and KGB out of our minds, but his/her/its ash and lava were no match for my sugar plum.

When it appeared as though she might not return from her first trip to Europe sometime until Memorial Day, the kid worked her magic and got herself home from Paris.

Nature balanced itself out ... which is interesting, given that Asoteletangafamosili and Fuamatu-Ma'afala can trace their ancestry to the the islands not far from Krakatoa.

And, hundreds of years ago, the Biakabutuka and Gbaja-Biamila tribes of the dark continent prayed regularly to the mighty Kilamanjaro.

Eyjafjallajokull ... it cannot touch Krakatoa and Kilamanjaro.

And, Eyjafjallajokull cannot match Tuiasosopo! Manumaleuna! Onyenegecha! Loliki Bongo-Wango!

However, when "Katla" blows her top and makes Eyjafjallajokull look like a birthday candle on top of a birthday cupcake, well ... run for your lives, Asoteletangafamosili, Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Tuiasosopo, Manumaleuna, Biakabutuka, Gbaja-Biamila, Onyenegecha, Loliki Bongo-Wango ...

+ + +

Exhibit 15.g# -- "Mike Evanovich"

The lab boys have determined that "eeee-vann-ohhh-vitch!" is probably Slavic or Serbo-Croat in origin, but it's literal translation is: "enn-nee-budd-dee" can shoot the 3-ball. ///// Last night -- in case enn-nee-budd-dee did not have the CollegeInsider.com Postseason Tournament TV package, Fairfield invaded Fairfax for a CIT first-rounder vs. George Mason in a game which, according to the Washington Post, was played before "2,062 disgusted spectators". ////// Mike Evanovich -- a 6-8 reserve who avgs. 6.9 PPG -- drained 9 of 14 treys (he's a 27% shooter "from distance") as the Staggerin' Stags fought back from a 63-36 deficit (27 pts.) and won in OT. ///// There can be no dispute: "GREATEST FIRST-ROUND CIT GAME EVER!!!" ///// Fairfield! //// Down 27! /// In Fairfax! //// Eeeee-vannnn-ohhhh-vich!!! seems like the poster child for the assertion that ennnnn-neeee-budddd-deeee can SHOOT the 3 ... and that same ennn-neee-buddd-deee will, once per season, register a 9 of 14 to go along with 0 of 6, 1 of 4, 1 of 5, 0 of 5, 1 of 9, 2 of 8, 3 of 8, 0 of 5, 0 of 4, 0 of 5, 6 of 10, 0 of 10 ... ///// It's a fairly common phenomenon ... except for anybody who wears a Winthrop jersey. In that breathtaking NCAA "play-in" game last night, the team which ranks dead last in the nation (347th out of 347 teams) in 3-pt. % (25.5) did not disappoint the 2,062 disgusted spectators who tuned in to the ballgame (while "coming down" from a crack-cocaine binge). ///// Wimp-throp drilled 2 of 21 threes -- a 9.5 percentage which could do damage to its 25.5 percentage. ///// Here's the deal: America has to decide for itself if this year's play-in game which pitted Ark.-Pine Bluff (the team which began the season 0-11 w/ 11 road losses @ UTEP, Okie State, G-Tech, Missouri, K-State, and Oregon to name a few) and the Worst 3-Ball Team Ever was better/worse/or whatever than last year when More!Head! defeated Chief Kickingstallionsims or better/worse/or whatever than two years ago when Mount St. Mary's knocked out Coppin State, which had a 4-19 record 2.5 mos. into the season. ///// In the end, it looks as though we're headed for our worstest CIT tourney ever.

Eve of Eldrick

They say Eldrick's gonna make a speech tomorrow ... and that good seats are still unavailable, so don't bother calling Ticketron.

Hmmmm ... unless he's pulling a Joe Biden and re-delivering the Emancipation Proclamation (and calling them "his own words"), I'm gonna pass.

Which means that I, like a lotta people, won't be spending Friday afternoon lying on the bed, sprawled on the comforter which my grandma knitted me as the following words escape from my pen and spill onto the pgs. of the journal:
"DEAR DIARY ... Eldrick's powerful words moved me today ..."

Seriously, what does this have to do with Lindsey Vonn's fake shin injury?

And, if Eldrick fails to put Julie and Jolie atop his puntang-pounding Top 10, deal me out.

Dish some some inner-thigh dirt, Woody.

Which chick squealed like an Everglades reptile with its tail caught in a wringer?

And, say ... isn't it tragic how we can't use the old-school, curtains-match-carpet expression any more because every chick shaves/waxes that neighborhood nowadays?

Was there ever a misunderstanding with any of those skanks when you were maybe a little buzzed from the combination of that day's hGH cycle and the booze in front of you and you spied an uggo across the crowded club and you wearily leaned over to that hottie, pointed to the uggo and said, "I wouldn't fuck HER with Stevie's dick"???

(Sigh) ... America feels a little less like America when one of its proudest Americans won't field questions and create a greater understanding.

For the children ... mostly the 14-year-old girls out there who are manicuring their landing strips.

(Sigh) ... the terrorists win (again) and America is held hostage as Eldrick morphs from a silo of vanilla nothingness to cardboard-cutout cartoon character.

Unless he does his speaking in conversational Cantonese (or Mandarin) tomorrow, it doesn't look as though he'll do anything to break the tie he currently holds with Pat Knight as Most-Lifeless & Unoriginal Person Alive.

So, begging yer pardon ESPN, but this'll never be one of those cathartic moments in our lives.

Unless cathartic means, "I Don't Remember Where I Was And What I Was 'Sposed To Be Doing When I Remembered To Forget To Watch/Listen To/Care About The Team Tiger Oral Report."

(Punch Line #488 Which Has Magically Written Itself: "Oral? At least he didn't type 'anal' ..." )

b

BLIZZARDSAURUS REX vs. SNOWZILLA

Did President Oprah actually chuckle and call it "snowmageddon"?

Who fed him that orchestrated quip, anyway?

It's nearly as lame as those who are calling it "the abominable snowstorm."

Look: If I wasn't so busy shoveling the 28-30 inches of snow outta my driveway (located outside this Honeycomb Hideout), I'd wipe those smiles off their smart-alecky faces by puttin' the business side of this shovel upside their smart-alecky heads.

Either way, here's the data (as compiled by the lab boys in Data Processing):

- - Approx. 21-22 inches during that Sat. Dec. 19 storm ...

- - Snow which remained virtually unmelted for one week -- 'til the day after Xmas when the thermometer hit 52 and a day's worth of rain completely cleared the white stuff ...

- - The last of the parking-lot iceburgs finally disappeared Mon. Jan. 25 ...

- - Five days later (Sat. Jan. 29), 4 inches fell ...

- - Four days after that (Weds. Feb. 3), 4 inches on top of the 0.36 inches which remained from four days earlier ...

- - And, the early returns from this Feb. 5-6 monster: Anywhere from 21 to 38 inches ...

Season total: 60-point-something ...

Record for one winter: 62 inches ...

Which will be surpassed Tues./Weds. when the next 8-27 inches hits the front step.

Interestingly, the local record high for Feb. 6 was 72 degrees set wayyyy back on 2/6/08.

No matter how ya slice it, these storms must be treated with respect. And, that's why we must call them by their proper names: "Blizzardsaurus Rex" and "Snowzilla."

Snowmageddon?

That's so amateur ... so juvenille ...

Damn sons of bitches ...

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Secrets To UT's Upset of #1 KU

It doesn't matter what today's date is (unless your birthday happens to fall on this day, Jan. 10 ... and most of us forgot to buy you a present, anyway, so get over yourself already, okay?) because Tennessee didn't actually win this game today vs. Kansas -- the Vols won it on November 17th.

Likewise, Kansas didn't lose this game today -- they lost it on December 2nd.

Keys to the Vols' victory: In that 75-pt. victory over UNC-Asheville (124-49), people tend to forget that it was a threeeeee by Skylar McBeeeee which put the Vols up by 68 with 11:52 to play and that it was a 3-ball by Bobby Maze which put UT up by 70 (101-31) with 8:27 remaining.

And, although Renaldo Woolridge's 3-ball put the Vols up 80 (112-32) with 5:51 to play, he did miss a three 1:24 later which would've put the Vols up by 83 and, a little less than three minutes later, he missed another 3-ball when the Vols were up by 80.

It's official: Renaldo Woolridge is NOT the guy you want takin' the 3 when you're up by 80.

Nevertheless, those who truly love b/ball applaud the manner in which UT summoned up the courage to bust some treys when they were up anywhere from 68 to 80 points vs. UNC-Asheville two months ago.

That confidence paid off today -- and it just might be what "vaults the Vols!" to the top of the heap when they're cuttin' down the nets and CBS is cueing up "One Shining Moment."

Woolridge was 4 of 6 from downtown today, only, that's not what killed KU.

What worked against the Jaywalks was that 98-31 win over Alcorn State (0-9 at the time) five weeks ago.

Alcorn had that 4-0 lead before KU overreacted and went on a 36-0 run during an 11:58 span.

Sherron Collins demonstrated incredible heroism that day ... bustin' a trey seven seconds into a fresh shot clock to put KU up 77-28 -- and, then, a little more than a minute later, "blammo!" ... the kid was at it again, poppin' another 3-ball eight seconds into a fresh shot clock to put the Jays up by 54.

Sadly, Sherron Collins was only 2 of 10 on 3-balls today, meaning that either he's a very cocksure young man when he's bustin' treys against a winless opponent which commits 30 turnovers in a 67-point loss or, well, ummm ... maybe it just wasn't his day.

What's important is that coaches such as Bill Self and Bruce Pearl are such excellent teachers and molders of talent that, even when their teams are up by 49 or 54 or 68 or 80 points, their teams never quit competing and giving it their all.

Then again, some might argue that ballgames which explode into massacres of 49, 54, 68, 80, et cetera is the same as watching footage from WWII when German bulldozers pushed piles of naked-and-dead bodies into trenches after the gas chambers have been emptied.

Yup ... it's a holocaust -- and Pearl, more than anybody else, should acknowledge b/ball genocide.

Pro-Pearlists are likely to reason that the UT coach -- the Jewish guy who allows his no-talent Jewish son to wear the #22 which was worn by one of the ballin'est Hebrews of all-time (Ernie Grunfeld) -- perhaps remembers that footage from WWII ... and now he's going to make everybody pay ... a lot like that scene from "Unforgiven" when Clint iced that guy and Hackman barked, "You just shot an unarmed man!"

Clint (snarling, of course): "Well, he should've armed himself."

By triggering the compassionless slaughter of UNC-Asheville, Pearl was attempting to establish a "master race" (of no-talent hoopsters who'll make you puke when you watch 'em in ballgames wherein the final margin is not 49, 54, 68 or 80 pts).

Pitino tried this "master race" strategy last year when his Lousyville death squadron mercilessly launched 3's when the game was already outta hand against DePaul (which was 0-13 in Big East play at the time).

Lousyville was 18 of 36 "from distance" (most of those attempts were well after the game was in hand), alas ... Pitino (surprise!) did not use that momentum to capture his fourth consecutive NCAA championship.

Those slouches on the Disneyland B/Ball Channel (Knight, Vitale, Digger) won't admonish coaches who are gutless and produce gutless teams, so, let's hear it for blowouts where the kids "never stop competing."

Then again, if UT-Knoxville wished to sodomize UNC-Asheville with a rusty pipe, then shouldn't the Vols have spent the second half shootin' nuthin' but halfcourt shots?

In case it matters, America, Bruce Pearl is a shitty coach, but, moreover, he's unimaginatively lousy.

But, wait! There's more!

Little Stevie Pearl missed both FTs today ... the first time he's missed from the foul line this season.

On the other hand, those were his first attempts of the season and he's now 3 of 10 in his career.

Kid's gotta polish his game before March Madness so as to avoid rocky times 'round Rocky Top ...

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