Draft Dodging '09

This could be almost as enjoyable as The GRT recap of what happens every time that chronic bedwetter (presumably) McShay or Kiper's Bouffant Hairdo opens his mouth [ 1) "This is what I learned in business school ... when I read about business school ... in a book ..." >>> 2) "George, you must exercise the gaskets!" >>> 3) "You talkin' to me? YOU ... talkin' ... to me?" (smiles ... looks at camera) "Pacino ... Raging Bull ..." ]

Goddamn, those were great moments in NFL Drafts past.

Now -- in the Stafford/Sanchez deluxe yawnfest -- every time McShay opens his mouth, all that comes out is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."

Seriously, how is McShay's analysis any more coherent, not to mention "on target"?

ANSWER: "It ain't." (Although it's not the same w/o Mario Lopez pulling the mike away and saying, "Thank you, South Carolina," as he steps back into the shadows.

For the umpteenth time, McShay's a fuckin' idiot who was hired to be one of the fuckin' morons in that Disneyland Sports Channel circus sideshow.

If McShay used a Donald Duck voice to offer his analysis, it would be the same as what we see/hear currently.

[NOTE: It seems like a fairly-educated guesstimate that McShay's only up-close-and-personal experience with "football" (presumably) was when he saw a naked football player in the locker room during high school and he didn't feel THAT guilty for staring -- and then there was that time in college when that cheerleader from two doors down was studying with a friend on the east wing of the dorm and, since she left her door unlocked, guess who wandered in and jacked off on her bedspread?]

Really ... aside from the fact that most waiters at Outback Steakhouse are 20 times more athletic and know more about the NFL (and tonight's specials!) than McShay, he's probably a really mediocre guy.

So, when Americans with a functioning brain wonder about The New Messiah, they might pull out their cue cards and ask, "Did this ordinary fuck ever make a big throw in a big game for Jo-Ja? Do we have to go all the way back to Tarkenton to find any Jo-Ja QB who ever did anything in the NFL? Didja know that a fourth-string Jo-Ja QB named Hines Ward had more yards passing in a bowl game -- 450, by the way -- than Stafford?"

All yer gonna git is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."

That's 'cuz The Shay don't know football.

Never did.

That's no reason for the guy with the sci-fi-movie hairdo (Kiper) to have a smirk on his face.

Just once, it might be fun if he reduced his cliches-per-answer to 38 (the best ever came a few years ago when he uttered, "Once the running game solidifies itself" -- which could not have been more-vague or more-tangetally obscure >>> meaning it was simply buzzword bullshit).

Since Mel is virtually impossible for Disneyland to fire (meaning that he haas this gig FOR LIFE), what would be wrong with some material which is a little more edgy.

Y'know, talkin' 'bout Sanchez in terms such as, "You look at a guy like Mark Sanchez ..." -- (EVERY Kiper thumbnail HAS to begin that way ... it's THE LAW!) -- and he reminds you of something in between an Elvis Grbac or a Mike Tomczak ... or, for you oldtimers out there, maybe something along the lines of a Milt Plum or a Gary Cuozzo ... it's gonna be fun to see what it's like the first time a linebacker rips off Sanchez's head and pisses down Mark's neck ... You think this guy is gonna do more in Jets green than Richard Todd? No fuckin' way. ... And, what about the last two Jets QBs to wear number 6? That's right ... Bubby Fuckin' Brister and Ray Lucas, kids ... Ohhh, but I'm sure QB guru Steve Clarkson did a bang-up job with Sanchez's mechanics ... some pussy who couldn't cut it with Saskatchewan in the CFL 25 years ago is gonna tell Sanch what it takes to succeed in the NFL, that makes a lotta fuckin' sense, doesn't it? ... either way, Sanch is gonna be extra mediocre in New York until Terrelle Pryor arrives, saves the organization and breaks most of Vince Young's NFL records ... oh, and, 'yeah' ... Sanch is likely to win a playoff game or two for Tampa Bay in '13 or '14 ... if he beats out Jimmy Clausen for the starting job ... and if H-back Tim Tebow can ever get healthy ..."

That duo is like a two-headed Fuck Herbstreit, THE all-time cliche ejaculator.

"Kirk, tell us about receivers who catch the ball AT ITS HIGHEST POINT ... 'cuz we really really really wanna know which receiver has a vertical leap of 80-100 inches, thereby allowing him to catch a pass which, AT ITS HIGHEST POINT, might be 16-18 feet above the playing field ... "

The correct term is "at the apex of one's leap" ...

The Niners got Crabtree?

Awesome!

J.J. Stokes, Part II!

It's some mighty severe dumbfuckology we've got goin' on there.
Not enough learning about the NFL ... by reading about it in a book ...
Not enough exercising of the gaskets ...
Maybe too much watchin' "Raging Bull" and wunderin' where Pacino is ...

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