IN HIS FIRST EXTENDED TV APPEARANCE SINCE HE WAS WEARING A STRIPED REFEREE SHIRT ON LENO'S SHOW AFTER BAILING OUT ON HIS LAST HEAD COACHING GIG (AND IN HIS FIRST EXTENDED CABLE-TV APPEARANCE SINCE LAST AUG. WHEN HE STOLE VALUABLE FACETIME FROM THE LUBBOCK, TX. LITTLE LEAGUERS), BOBBY KNIGHT DIDN'T EXACTLY SAY THAT HE WAS BOWLED OVER BY THE UNSUNG HEROISM PROVIDED GAME IN AND GAME OUT BY WUSS VIRGINIA'S 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN.
BUT, YOU CAN SEE IT IN KNIGHT'S MANNERISMS AND IN HIS BODY LANGUAGE (NOT TO MENTION "IN THE WEAVE OF HIS NEWEST SWEATER") THAT HE TRULY ADMIRES THE NOT-SO-OBVIOUS INTANGIBLES PROVIDED BY THE 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN -- MEANING THAT THE EX-COACH IS A BIG FAN OF ALL THE LITTLE THINGS THAT A BIG MAN (IN THIS CASE, A 7-FOOT BIG MAN NAMED JAMIE SMALLIGAN) BRINGS, AS THEY SAY, "TO THE TABLE."
THOSE OF US IN THE "JAMIE SMALLIGAN APPRECIATION SOCIETY" HAVE APPLAUDED THE INNER-STRENGTH OF THE 7-FOOTER THROUGHOUT THE SEASON ... AND WE'RE TALKIN' 'BOUT MORE THAN THE INNER-STRENGTH REQUIRED TO EXIST AS SOMEONE IN HIS EARLY 20s WITH SOME PROFOUND MALE-PATTERN BALDNESS.
Y'SEE, THERE'S STRONG ... AND THEN THERE'S SMALLIGAN STRONG.
AND, THE 7-FOOT HE-MAN WAS AT HIS FINEST ("LAYIN' IT ALL ON THE LINE" AS THEY LIKE TO SAY) TODAY AS THE WUSS VIRGINIA MELTDOWNEERS (AND BEILEIN'S RECRUITS COACHED BY HUGGY BEAR) LAID IT ON THE LINE, AS THEY LIKE TO SAY, AS THEY BEGAN THEIR QUEST FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE BIGGER THAN LAST YEAR'S GRAND PRIZE (WHICH WAS THE '07 NIT CHAMPIONSHIP).
7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN -- PROBABLY THE GREATEST 7-FOOT COLLEGE BALLER TO WEAR #43 SINCE GEERT HAMMINK AT LSU -- SPENT THE OPENING ROUND OF THE BIG EAST TOURNAMENT TASKED WITH THE DIRTIEST JOB IN AMERICA ... ATTEMPTING TO KEEP UNDER WRAPS THE 7-FOOT-3 TANZANIAN TERROR (HASHEEM THABEET), WHO, IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL, COULD "GO OFF" FOR 8 PTS. AND 5 BOARDS WITH (GULP!) 4 BLOCKED SHOTS (WHICH'LL LEAD RECE DAVIS BACK IN BRISTOL TO HAVE AN ORGASM AND CALL THABEET "PHENOMENAL").
WELL, JUST LIKE TWO SATURDAYS AGO WHEN THE 7-FOOTERS SQUARED OFF IN STORRS, CT. (Smalligan: 12 mins., 0-5 shooting, 0-4 on threes, 1 assist, 0 rebs., 4 fouls, 0 pts. +++ Thabeet: 18 mins., 0 shots, 2-2 FT, 2 rebs., 3 fouls, 2 pts.), THIS WAS ANOTHER VINTAGE STANDOFF (Smalligan: 11 mins., 1-3 shooting, 0-2 on threes, 2 rebs., 1 turnover, 2 pts., fouled out +++ Thabeet: 28 mins., 2-4 shooting, 2-3 FT, 6 rebs., 2 asst., 4 fouls, 6 pts.)
WHAT MOST OF AMERICA DOESN'T REALIZE/ACCEPT/UNDERSTAND IS THAT 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN MADE THE SACRIFICE AND REFUSED TO ALLOW A HIDDEN AGENDA TO RUIN A BIG DAY FOR TEAMMATE JOE ALEXANDER (34 PTS.).
JAMIE SMALLIGAN PUSHED ASIDE PERSONAL GOALS FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE TEAM, DECLINING TO CLUTTER UP THE OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE SCHEMES WHICH COACH HUGGY HAS SO METICULOUSLY DEVISED.
IN OTHER WORDS, 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN WAS INEFFICIENTLY INEFFICIENT -- WHICH MEANS THAT WE ARE IN FOR A DOOZY OF A GAME TOMORROW WHEN THE WUSS VIRGINIA MELTDOWNEERS FACE OFF AGAINST GEORGECLOWN, A MATCHUP WHICH'LL PIT THE 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN AGAINST THE 7-FOOT-2 ROY HIBBERT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT TOMORROW SOMETIME TOMORROW (MAYBE) ... BECAUSE TODAY MARKED THE FIRST FULL DAY OF IN-STUDIO SESSIONS AT THE ESPY NETWORK FOR THE "I'M-TOO-TIRED/FATIGUED/EXHAUSTED" EX-COACH OF THE O'REILLY AUTO PARTS-LUBBOCK DIVISION REGIONAL MANAGER ("THE GENERAL" ... THE GUY WHO GOT THAT TAG FROM NEVER PICKING UP A WEAPON AND DIRECTING TROOPS AT THE BATTLE OF BUNKER HILL OR DURING THE INVASION OF ARMAGEDDON, BUT RATHER BY BOSSING AROUND A SHITTY BUNCH OF B-BALL SCRUBS AT WEST POINT).
INSTEAD OF HIM BREAKING DOWN THE SMALLIGAN-HIBBERT CONFRONTATION, WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO GET AN EXTENDED WEEKEND OF SWEATERS AND ANECDOTES ABOUT JIMMY WHATSHISNAME AND KEN SO-AND-SO AND HOW THEY WERE THE HARDEST-WORKING SCRAPPERS HE EVER HAD AT ARMY.
ZZZZZZZZ ...
AMERICA IS JONESIN' FOR ITS JAMIE SMALLIGAN UPDATES (in his past 9 gms., 3-16 shooting, 1-12 on 3-balls), BUT BOB WON'T GO THERE.
ACTUALLY, DURING HIS DEBUT LAST NIGHT (FEATURED DURING THE SPORTSCENTER RE-RUNS OVERNIGHT), AMERICA HEARD PAPA KNIGHT DECLARING TO AMERICA:
"AS A FATHER, I'M REALLY PROUD OF PAT. AS A COACH, I'M PROUD OF WHAT PAT DOES ON THE FLOOR AND WITH HIS TEAM."
IN TERMS OF THE 755 "THINGS THAT BOBBY SEZ WHICH ARE BOGUS AND POINTLESS BUT EVERYONE'S TOO FRICKIN' SCARED TO CHALLENGE HIM ON IT," THIS RANKS RIGHT UP THERE.
APPARENTLY, EVERYBODY 'ROUND THE BRISTOL CAMPUS IS IN COMPLETE AWE (read: FEAR) OF "THE GENERAL" -- WHICH IS PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE GIVEN KNIGHT'S IMPRESSIVE MILTARY CAREER (wink, wink ... hey, everybody, "coaching" the soldiers on the team at West Point is not the same as "serving" in the military -- and the last time that Knight was taking orders from anybody was in the early 1960s when Ohio State coach Fred Taylor told him to plant his frickin' sorry ass on the bench and keep it there until somebody tells him to move it ... "You will breathe when I tell you to breathe, you will blink when I tell you to blink and when it's time to take a piss, I'll tell you how many drops I want squeezed off and in what matter of time. Now, get your sorry ass out of my sight, you Orrville yokel.")
FORTUNATELY, WHEN BOBBY MENTIONS HOW PROUD HE IS OF HIS OFFSPRING, MOST OF THE NON-ASS-KISSERS IN AMERICA CAN RE-INTERPRET HIS REMARKS SO AS TO GRASP THE TRUE MEANING.
TRANSLATING WHAT WE READ ABOVE:
"I KNOW THAT THE BOYS THAT I RECRUITED LOST BY 44 POINTS AT A&M AND I'M AWARE THAT THE FELLAS LOST BY 58 AT KANSAS IN A NATIONALLY-TELEVISED GAME ... AND THE REGULAR-SEASON-FINALE HOME DEFEAT AGAINST BAYLOR WAS DIFFICULT, ESPECIALLY SINCE TYLER HOFFMEISTER, WHO WON MY KNIGHT SCHOOL B-BALL SKILLZ PAGEANT TWO YEARS AGO, STARTED AND PLAYED ONLY 5 MINUTES, BUT IF THOSE MOTHERFUCKER ADMINISTRATORS TOUCH ONE FUCKING HAIR ON PATRICK'S HEAD OR IF THE GODDAMN FANS AREN'T NICE TO HIM, THAT FUCKING SHITHOLE SCHOOL IN THAT SHITHOLE FUCKING TOWN WON'T SEE ANOTHER FUCKING PENNY FROM ME. THAT'S THE GODDAMN FUCKING TRUTH."
THAT BOBBY ... SUCH A RASCAL.
WHICH IS WHY DIGGER'S NOSE IS HALFWAY UP BOB'S BUNGHOLE.
BECAUSE BOB'S A RASCAL.
SAID MY MRS. (WHO SPENT AS MANY HOURS AS ANYONE INSIDE ASSEMBLY HALL DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE KNIGHT DYNASTY AT IU):
"JEEZ, DIGGER IS SOOOOO INTIMIDATED BY KNIGHT."
WHAT GAVE HER THAT IDEA?
WAS IT DIGGER'S NERVOUS, FAKE LAUGH AT THE MOST MUNDANE OF BOB'S MUNDANE OBSERVATIONS?
FOR THOSE OF US WHO SEE RIGHT THROUGH THE TRANSPARENT DISNEYLAND SPORTS CHANNEL, WE REALIZE/ACCEPT/UNDERSTAND THAT THE EPSY NETWORK HAS A RESPONSIBILITY TO AT LEAST TRY AND SELL AS WATCHABLE WHAT IS UNWATCHABLE (i.e. THE 3-BALL FREE-FOR-ALL THAT IS COLLEGE HOOPS).
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO BEHIND THE SCENES WITH BOBBY WHEN HE'S WATCHING 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN AND HEAR HIM OFFER CANDID OBSERVATIONS SUCH AS, "LOOKIT THIS 7-FOOT SACK OF SHIT ... HE'S ON THE FLOOR WITH NO OFFENSIVE GAME AND CALHOUN'S TOO FUCKING STUPID -- OR DRUNK ... OR INSANE -- TO REALIZE THAT 7-FOOT JAMIE SMALLIGAN HAS NO FUCKING OFFENSIVE GAME. FUCK ... THIS KID DOESN'T REBOUND, EITHER. IF I WANTED TO WATCH A LOW-POST PLAYER WITH ZERO LOW-POST SKILLS, I'D HAVE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FLUNKIES IN THE VIDEO LIBRARY CUE ME UP SOME OLD INDIANA FOOTAGE OF TODD LINDEMAN OR RICHARD MANDEVILLE."
SHHHHH ... GOTTA SELL THE SPORT, GOTTA SELL THE SPORT ...
WHICH IS WHY IT WAS TRULY SAD THAT NOBODY GOT THE PUNCHLINE WHEN BOBBY SAID THAT HE LIKED THE WAY THAT MATT PAINTER'S PURDUE TEAM PLAYS.
AMERICA MIGHT'VE FORGOTTEN THAT BOBBY AND PAINTER WERE CO-STARS BACK IN 1994 IN A CLASSIC MOTION PICTURE KNOWN AS "BLUE CHIPS."
BOBBY STARRED AS HIMSELF WHEN WESTERN UNIVERSITY -- LED BY COACH PETE BELL (NICK NOLTE), NEON (SHAQ), BUTCH MCRAE (PENNY HARDAWAY) AND RICKY ROE (MATT NOVER) -- HOSTED THE INDIANA HOOSIERS, WHO WERE LED BY SEMI-RECENT EX-IU'ERS CALBERT CHEANEY, ERIC ANDERSON, KEITH SMART, GREG GRAHAM, JOE HILLMAN, JAMAL MEEKS AND CHRIS REYNOLDS PLUS THREE SEMI-RECOGNIZABLE FILL-INS (BOBBY HURLEY, ERIC RILEY OF MICHIGAN AND -- YUP, THERE'S THAT GUY AGAIN -- GEERT HAMMINK).
AND MATT PAINTER?
HE WAS THE PLAYER ON THAT TEAM FOR "COAST" ... Y'KNOW, THE WHITE KID WHO WASN'T EITHER ALLAN HOUSTON OR ADONIS JORDAN OR RODNEY ROGERS OR MARK RAVELING (SON OF THE GOOFBALL WHO WAS THE MOVIE'S TECHNICAL CONSULTANT).
IF ONLY BOBBY HAD SPENT A FEW MINUTES TONIGHT RELIVING THAT AMAZING SCENE WHEREIN A GROUND-LEVEL CAMERA POISED UPWARD CAPTURED KNIGHT (WITH THE CAMERA ANGLE MAKING HIM LOOK LARGER THAN LIFE, ESPECIALLY ON THE BIG SCREEN ... THAT IS, FOR THOSE IDIOTS WHO ACTUALLY SAW IT IN THE THEATER) BURSTING THROUGH THE CLOSED DOORS AND MAKING HIS WAY ONTO THE COURT BEFORE THE GAME.
AT HIS SIDE FOR THAT SCENE, OF COURSE, WAS DR. BRAD BOMBA -- WHO, WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, MIGHT'VE ACTUALLY OUT-ACTED KNIGHT DURING THAT SCENE.
DR. BOMBA WAS ALWAYS A FIXTURE BACK IN THE OL' DAYS (WHICH LEADS YA TO BELIEVE THAT MAYYYYY-BEEEEE THAT MOVIE WOULD'VE DONE A LITTLE BETTER AT THE BOX OFFICE IF, INSTEAD OF DIALOGUE FOR MATT NOVER, THE SCREENWRITERS HAD GIVEN US SOME QUALITY LOVE SCENES FOR DR. BOMBA.
WELL, THE LEAST THEY COULD'VE DONE WAS GIVEN HIM A SHOOT-'EM-UP SCENE ... OR A QUALITY CAR CHASE.
wait a sec, where were we? OH, RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT ... DAD'S PROUD OF PATRICK'S DIGNITY DURING BLOWOUTS.
ALTHOUGH ... NO ONE'S BOTHERED TO INFORM AMERICA IF, ONE DAY, PAT'S GOING TO INHERIT THE ESPN STUDIO JOB FROM DADDY.
AND, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE -- WHEN BOBBY TREATED THAT BABY AS A PROP DURING ONE OF HIS FINAL PRESS CONFERENCES AS A SO-CALLED COACH, WAS THAT PAT'S INFANT ... OR TIM'S?
GOD, IT'S GONNA BE A LONG, FUCKING WEEKEND IF WE STICK WITH THIS SHIT ...
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