Exactly ... "Touchdown Jesus Wants Dana Jacobson Fired."
For those of us Americans who don't -- but know fellow Americans who do -- have some religious affiliation to speak of, we're conflicted about what that no-talent chick from the Disneyland Sports Network said the other night at the Mike & Mike roast which triggered such dismay and outrage.
From what the intra-web sez, America is taking sides re: Jake's crime of gettin' wasted and blurting out something about how we should all "fuck Touchdown Jesus" and "fuck Notre Dame."
For those of us Americans who are open-minded enough to see both sides of every argument, the pros and cons of this matter are gnawing at our insides.
On one hand, it's not as though Drunk Chick called Jesus a homo ... or said He was a nappy-headed ho ... or accused the Prince of Peace of having a swastika tattoo.
Such epithets are taboo.
What America is learning as this controversy unfolds is that Dana Jacobson might actually be a victim (yes ... a "victim").
That's to say, a victim of bad timing and a lack of talent.
As per the "bad timing" aspect ... this controversy was upsetting to the 16.3 percent of America which was gettin' completely amped for the opening ceremonies of Winter X Games 12.
On top of that, when some of us Americans were clicking the TV-remote clicker a few moments ago, we heard Pat O'Brien of "The Insider" boldly proclaim this as "The Death of Heath Ledger: Day 3."
Day 3 of somebody's death?
Punch line: "On what day are the closing ceremonies?" (laugh track)
Notwithstanding the death of an American icon of the cinema, we're coming to realize that Dana Jacobson -- with her horse teeth and that Cleopatra hairdo -- is too simple-minded to be witty (and sober) during a celebrity roast.
Instead of gettin' all vulgar and profane (while gettin' wasted), Jake coulda kept it clean by callin' the university "Notre Dumb" and by referring to that 3-8 football team as the "Farting Irish."
As we've come to learn, the appropriate way to drop the F Bomb is to wear one of those popular t-shirts with the message "Muck Fichigan" or "Duck Fuke."
However, in Jake's case -- one of those Jewish chicks (we presume) who attended the college which some people have referred to as "the Jew-niversity of Michigan" -- we reserve the right to request she wear a wet "Muck Fichigan" t-shirt (as long as she has a bag over those horse chompers and the Cleopatra 'do).
Those who are pro-She-Jake will offer a defense that F-bombs and Jesus appearing in the same sentence isn't a major crime.
In fact, there are a lot of us Americans who are guilty of hitting a bases-loaded pop-up during a softball game (or, ummmm ... we Americans who have read about someone hitting a bases-loaded pop-up during a softball game) and, while slamming the bat to the ground, growled, "Jesus F-ing Christ!" in anger.
On top of that, how many of us Americans haven't seen/heard a chick with horse-sized chompers and a Cleopatra hairdo gettin' wasted and talkin' all sorts of smack?
Five or six of 'em lived down the hall from us in our co-ed college dorm.
Nobody's sayin' that Dana Jacobson should be gang-raped or sodomized in a back alley somewhere ("oooops! Ummmm ... "lynched in a back alley somewhere" ... ) because, once America considers the source and grasps the context of the spoken word, we can all offer a big grin.
That is, once we remember that the crazy thing about crazy chicks is that a lot of crazy things come out of their crazy mouths (i.e. emotional rhetoric, pointless rants ...) when they aren't putting crazy things into their crazy mouths (i.e. booze, smokes, genitalia ...).
Perhaps the most-ironic twist to Jacobson v. Jesus is that the Disneyland Empire TV show she co-hosts airs during the daytime hours -- a time when the Espy Network hits America mighty hard with commercials pushin' that Christian-anthem CD "Open The Eyes Of My Heart" ("and, if you order right now, you can also get 'Days of Elijah'!"). //// Meanwhile, at the same time on another network (ABC) under the Disneyland umbrella, the gals are spewin' anti-Bush rhetoric and chattin' 'bout their vuh-jay-jays (or is it "vajingoes"?).
As it stands, only 13 people in America watch Juck Facobson's revamped "Weak Piss" sh, errrrrr ... "Cold Pizza" show -- far smaller than the viewership which the Disneyland Empire gave her on the first day of 2008, allowing her and ESPN, hair-gel, no-talent Jay Crawford host the Tournament of Roses Parade on ABC (the only reason we know this is because the Outback Bowl and Cotton Bowl were kinda boring, so we took a spin around the TV-remote clicker and, it was odd that ABC had chosen Jake n' Jay -- clowns from the Disneyland Sports Sector -- rather than choosing big stars from ABC's hit shows, such as Judith Light from "Who's The Boss?" and maybe Peter Jennings from the news division).
In the aftermath of these recent developments, it's amusing to see how America has chosen up sides as to whether we would've wanted to see Jake nude on a Rose Parade float ... or if we wanted to see her run over by a Rose Parade float.
It's obvious that if Jake was a sober guy droppin' N-bombs, she'd probably get a permanent vacation from the Espy Network's studio wherein she sits next to Skip Bayless (who may or may not be a pedophile and who may or may not be a bedwetter -- we simply don't know -- but who we're sure is a full-time dickhead).
Disneyland and its World's Strongest Man honchos will, no doubt, gloss over the matter by having a casual sit-down with America and explain that A) Juck Facobson was actually remarking that we should "forget" (not fuck) the MURAL on the side of the library -- the artist rendering which has been nicknamed "Touchdown Jesus" due to its proximity to Notre Dame's football stadium -- and B) America was never supposed to see/hear Jake since the roast was scheduled for a time when America was supposed to be sucking on another re-run of poker.
It was Disneyland's hope that cameras and microphones would never capture Juck Facobson in action -- and then dispense it on the intra-web.
Alas, the shit hit the fan like the Mel Gibson arrest report and the Paris Hilton sex tape, proving once again that America oftentimes sees/hears things it's not supposed to.
Lucky for Juck Facobson, America has no jurisdiction to "fire" her -- because, if we did that, Americans would have to fire all of its rap stars and its stand-up comedians for naughty language, not to mention issuing pink slips for all of the members of the clergy who drop trow and engage in bad touching with minors.
America is a wonderful, caring land of forgiveness, thank fucking God ...
The words "fuck" and "Jesus" in the same sentence ... why, they're as natural as together as "step-dad" and "13-year-old step-daughter" in the same bed together.
While many of us can't condone the aformentioned pairings, Disneyland sez, "Hey, shit happens ... whaddyagonna do, y'know?".
The reality is that Disneyland shouldn't fire Juck Facobson because of recent controversial remarks.
In truth, she should be fired because she's not very talented and she about as appealing to look at as Tony Kornhusker's comb-over, scraggly facial growth and super-crooked teeth.
For some of us, the only way that justice will be served is if Disneyland, rather than fire her, forced Jake to sit in a room for a week and watch some footage of fun-filled beheadings of women in other countries whose crimes are far less-serious than saying, "Fuck Allah."
Y'see, certain countries which aren't as enlightened as Disneyland Nation are infamous for decapitating women for failure to veil their buck teeth and their Cleopatra 'doo.
Another option might be to have Juck Facobson watch that "60 Minutes" episode from a few weeks ago wherein Anderson Cooper (on a netwoork which isn't Disneyland) reported on the documentation of females (ranging in age from 6 to 75) in Africa's Republic of the Congo who are routinely raped and/or sodomized for no reason at all.
Instead of hosting "Cold Pizza" or getting a guest spot on the "Fuck Jesus Celebrity Showcase," those females will oftentimes have a hand or arm macheteed off after they've been violated.
Sadly, none of this will hit home for Juck Facobson because, godfuckingdammit, she lives in a nation where freedom of speech is a right ... and, gee whiz, that's a tough break for those girls and women who paid the ultimate price in the truest definition of the word "fuck."
Dana will back at work (if ya wanna call that "a job") soon enough, keeping America abreast (he just typed "a breast," hee hee) of all the non-stories related to Super Bowl Week.
The Americans who didn't tune her out long ago will do so now -- but one person who will watch with rapt attention is someone we call "The Next Atta."
He's taking notes and drawing up a game plan for when he'll take his hijacked jumbo jet full of Jew-loving Americans, as he sees it, and crash it into whichever landmark he pleases.
When (not "if") The Next Atta so desires, he can make the ultimate expression of "Fuck Touchdown Jesus" by "connecting" with 85,000 Americans during a home game at Notre Dame Stadium.
Ballgame!
And, there goes the mural!
Well, even if this remains a nation divided about Jesus, Disneyland and no-talent chicks, there's one thing we can all agree on.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
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