Gridiron Gang Bang (and Clay-Mation)

Wow ... there's some sensory overload on a Tuesday night.
Tonight was the debut of American Idol (more Simon! more Seacrest!) -- on the same day that The Rock's "Gridiron Gang" was released on DVD.
All of this, on Ali Eve, of all days.
Cassius Clay turns 65 tomorrow.
Here's an idea: Howzabout we blow off all three?
No Seacrest, no Rock, no Clay.

Right, right, right ... there's the "social significance" of Ali's 65th tomorrow.
What exactly that is, ummm ... it's not easy for us to put a finger on.
"Social significance"? What ... because he heightened our awareness of cockroaches and those insects relationship with the famous roach-killer D-Con?
Ohhhh, so you forgot that Ali pitched roach spray back in the '70s?

To some of us, the D-Con Incident kinda/sorta/totally negates the deep, philosophical, larger-than-life impact of Ali. Sure, Stallone has admitted that the character Apollo Creed was patterned after Ali, but so what?
To many of us, Ken Norton outboxed Ali in that '75 tilt in Yankee Stadium -- which is why some of us always mocked boxing ... because of that "to beat the champion, you have to knock him out."
Which is like saying, "For a win over USC to count, you have to beat the Trojans by three touchdowns."
Which is probably how 'SC feels about its loss to UCLA, anyway.

Regardless, somebody somewhere will ask the obvious rhetorical question, "What would it be like if Ali were alive today?"
Well, techincally, the Louisville Lip is still alive, his past relationship with D-Con notwithstanding.
However, due to his advanced Parkinson's affliction, the goopy sentiment is that Ali changed the world -- and maybe he'd do so now.
Alas, that's what makes rhetorical questions so great.
They elicit heaps of rhetoric.

First of all, if Ali was fighting today, his handlers would be busy avoiding a must-see title showdown against that Russian man-beast-thing named Nikolai Valuev.
All 7-feet, 322 lbs. of that horrid mass of back hair.
Could Ali, in his prime, take down Lennox Lewis or Evander Holyfield?

As per "beyond the ring" issues, there's no way that Ali could ever melt our hearts and coax us into owning a counter-top grill, the way that lovable lug George Foreman twisted our arms (figuratively) into buying a George Foreman Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing, Grilling Machine.
And, as far as considering Meineke Car Care products, once again ... George wins our hearts via TKO.

Ali was good for D-Con -- but that double-standard where he was calling Joe Frazier "a gorilla" and other opponents "an Uncle Tom," well ... that's just bad salesmanship.
No one should dis Smokin' Joe like that.
Besides, Ali killed both of the Quarrie brothers.
Literally.

To a lot of us, Ali was a mythological beast who, following the triumphs over Frazier and Norton, fought a bunch of nobodies (once Foreman -- at that time, a super-bad-ass -- went into seclusion).
Earnie Shavers? Alfredo Evangelista?
What ... no Duane Bobick?

That was a real dead era in boxing, which was perfect for Larry Holmes.
And, as Ali begat Holmes, Holmes begat that killing machine named Iron Mike Tyson.
If only we had that time machine which could give us Tyson '86 vs. Ali '76 (the winner to square off against Marciano '50).

To repeat: These time-travel matchups are fun, yet pointless.
For example, Tom Brady and the early Y2K Patriots vs. the Steel Curtain of the late '70s, c'mon ...
Brady gets his neck snapped by Lambert on the third play from scrimmage, one play after Mean Joe and L.C. sandwich Capt. Handsome and knock the dreamboatness outta the QB.
Now you've gotta play the rest of the game with Rohan Davey leadin' the Pats.
Ooops ... Mel Blount just picked off Rohan Davey and that's a 45-yard TD, it's 21-0 Steelers and we're only midway through the first quarter.

Next up: Lou Gehrig takes his hacks against Barry Zito ...