Fun, Funner, Funnest Saturday Ever

What could've been a 4 o'clock logjam for our undivided TV attention is, quite simply, a no-brainer.
The sked reads like so:
*** Florida vs. Ohio State (the b-ball version) at 4 on CBS
*** Coach Knight of O'Reilly Auto Parts goin' for the record-tying Career Victory #879 at 4:30 on The World's Strongest Man Network's Secondary Channel
*** The inaugural New Mexico Bowl featuring New Mexico and OUR ALMA MATER (The Formidable Legion of Sparta) at 4:30 on ESPN (please don't be Pam Ward, please don't be Pam Ward, please don't be Pam Ward, please don't be Pam Ward, please don't be Pam Ward ...).

Of course, it won't be Pam Ward because, even though her voice is nine octaves lower than the deepest baritone, she has likely has some chick hoops to cover somewhere (we hope, we hope, we hope, we hope).
And, it does seem fairly obvious that some folks would rather see a New Mexico Bowl whereby Ron Mexico and his brother, Ron New Mexico, are tossing out the ceremonial first pitch or dropping the ceremonial puck or whatever it is they do during these New Mexico-related inaugurations.

True ... the Alligators made some of us filthy rich last April (when our pre-tourney bracket had 'em beatin' FUCLA in the championship game), but now they're playing against 25-year-old freshman Greg Oden and, ummmm ... pre-March b-ball doesn't make it 'round these parts.
Likewise, the guy with the O'Reilly Auto Parts logo on his sweater which dwarfs the interlocking "TT" logo next to it ... well, since Luke Recker can't be there, why should we?

Which leaves us with The Always Great San Jose State and the head coach who some of used to quip, "gives me a Tomey-ache."
The Tomey Turnaround has SJSU in its first bowl game in 16 years, so, you betcha -- it's Dress-Up Day here at the Haystack Hideway.
Long-sleeve royal blue shirt under the gray "SJSU Football" t-shirt ...
Bright yellow sweats ...
The royal blue ballcap with the white, stitched, interlocking "SJ" logo ...

In those 16 years between bowl games, SJSU has coughed up some mighty horrid-lookin' jersey combos, including a the rarely-popular black numerals on dark blue jerseys and the always-awful-awful-awful pairing of black socks with black cleats.
We can scoff at the jerseys and diminish a program which we may not understand, but at least there's more ex-SJSU players w/ NFL street cred and recognizability than ex-UNM players.
Or didja forget about Kim Bokamper and David Diaz-Infante.
(OK, you, too, Joe Nedney. Group hug! Group hug!)

And for the Lobos? All most us know about the program is that it's where Brian Urlacher performed (before he was drafted with the No. 9 overall selection of the '00 draft, one pick after the Steelers mistakenly selected Plaxico Burress -- rather than Chad Pennington -- at No. 8 ... and 200-some-odd picks before New England threw away its seventh-round pick on a stiff named Tom Brady).
When we were kids, New Mexico's program was churning out infrequent NFL superstars such as Robin Cole (two Super Bowl rings for the Super Steelers) and the unforgettable Preston Dennard.
It was nearly 20 years later when UNM unleashed Stoney Case on an unsuspecting NFL.
In between, Norm Ellenberger was cheatin' up a storm for the UNM hoop program.

Which is why coll. FB -- no matter how marginal -- always takes precendent 'round here over the perceived vintage hoop showdown.
Even if The Powerful Men of Sparta should fail in their quest to bring the prestigious New Mexico Bowl Championship Trophy back to the Spartan trophy case (which doesn't seem likely, given the Spartans' resolve), the game will serve as a prelude as to what we discussed in weblogistic terms a few weeks ago -- Bell helicopters!
The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl (live! from Fort Worth!) is what the holiday season is all about -- increased helicopter awareness.
Some kids will spend their Christmas Day opening gifts which have remote-control helicopters and scale-model helicopters which will be assembled and left on a bookshelf ... or even helicopters made of Legos.
But, those kids won't learn jack-shi*t about helicopters unless they tune in to the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl.

Aside from compiling some helicopter intel, the BHAFB (live! from Fort Worth!) will definitely ease the pain of how we were so excruciatingly violated yesterday.
That's right ... Friday's press conference re: the Duke lacrosse players exposed America to some of the most-unChristmasy language that we've heard in a long time.

Five minutes into the presser, Defense Attorney X started hittin' America with his un-yule tide dialect wherein he prattled on about a penis penetrating a vagina for five minutes, a penis penetrating an anus for three minutes, another penis inside the same anus for two minutes and maybe someone else's ejaculate inside someone's mouth, whereupon it was spat onto the floor.
Is that some kinda funky legalese or what?

Where where Rece Davis with his flunkies Herb Kirkstreit and May Day to explain the nature of spat-out ejaculate the way that they explain college football?
If it helps, use the "Ejaculate Bracket," fellas!
(Oh, by the way, ESPN's little time-wastin', brain-killer known as "The Make-Believe NCAA Football Champion" had LSU beatin' Michigan in the title game -- which, by the way, was more-offensive than a penis in the anus for two or three minutes. Everybody knows that LSU would go down in a first-rounder because, well ... see: the loss to the Alligators. Remember, you can't spell "seLf-deStrUct" without an L, an S and a U)

Anyway, if Mr. Defense Attorney keeps using descriptions like that, he's gonna turn off all of the potential Secret Santas 'round the law office.
Speaking of what some of us know better as "jizm," the Huge Mouthful of Lou Holtz Ejaculate that we know as Skip Holtz will be spat all over the floor in the PapaJohn's Bowl as he leads ECU against USF.
Grandpa Lou assured America early this season that ECU would handle Navy (which, of course, didn't happen).
When the hell is ESPN gonna get that lisping worthless anus off our TV screen?

There ya have it. A Saturday which better be as good as advertised because, if it isn't, well ... we all know what happens when something leaves a bad taste in our mouths.