Is Betty Nguyen pro-Bruin?

HERE'S THE BIGGEST NO-BRAINER OF A BIG COLLEGE-FOOTBALL SATURDAY:
WHEN YOU SEE LISPY McMUSHMOUTH (READ: HOLTZ) SPITTLING AND LISPING AND UNENUNCIATING FLUFF ON ESPN AND, ON THE CHANNEL NEXT TO ESPN ON THE REMOTE-CLICKER, YOU'VE GOT BETTY NGUYEN DELIVERING NEWS IN A SEDUCTIVE-YET-PROFESSIONAL MANNER, WHICH WAY YA GONNA LEAN?
EXACTLY ... THE "DEFINITELY-WORTH-STALKING" (IF WE WERE INTO SUCH PRACTICES) BETTY NGUYEN GETS THE NOD OVER "DEFINITELY-WORTH-RUNNING-DOWN-IN-THE-CROSSWALK" (IF WE WERE INTO SUCH BEHAVIOR) LOU HOLTZ EVERY TIME.
BETTY THE BOMB IS BABE-ALICIOUS.
AND SHE GIVES GOOD HEADLINE.
PLUS ... SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL THAN LISPY McMUSHMOUTH (READ: HOLTZ).

THE FACT THAT HOLTZ DOESN'T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS ONE THING. THE FACT THAT HE MASKS HIS IGNORANCE WITH ARROGANCE IS ANOTHER MATTER ENTIRELY.
HE'S AN NCAA-SANCTIONS MAGNET (HOW-DEE-DOO, ARKANSAS, MINNESOTA, NOTRE DAME, SOUTH CAROLINA). ONCE HOLTZ GETS THE DEATH PENALTY FOR ESPN, NO ONE'S GONNA WEEP.
'CUZ WE'VE GOT BETTY NGUYEN.
SHE'S DEFINITELY WORTH F___ING IN THE A_____.

ANYWAY, LISPY LOU IS GETTIN' ALL ARROGANT ABOUT HOW NOTRE DAME WILL HANDLE USC TONIGHT. THE WORDS HE LISPED IN UNENUNCIATED FASHION WERE THAT N.D. WOULD BEAT 'SC, "FAIRLY EASILY."
NEAR AS ANYONE COULD INTERPRET.
THE NORMAL REACTION TO A LISPY LOU COMMENT SUCH AS THE ABOVE WOULD BE, "WOW, SUMMM-BUDD-DEEE IS HAVING A BAD REACTION FROM MIXING JOHNNIE WALKER RED AND VIOXX."
BUT, THEN WE REALIZE THAT MAYBE THE OLD COOT REALLY IS THAT CLUELESS.
KINDA LIKE HOW EARLIER THIS SEASON WHEN LISPY CONFIDENTLY TOLD AMERICA THAT EAST CAROLINA WOULD HANDLE NAVY -- HOPING THAT AMERICA HAD FORGOTTEN THAT HIS UNTALENTED SON, SKIP, IS THE HEAD COACH AT ECU (NAVY CLOCKED 'EM, OF COURSE).
THAT'S WHY BETTY NGUYEN IS THE VIABLE LAMEDAY OPTION. SHE PRESENTS THE NEWS ("DOES SHE EVER") ... SHE DOESN'T BECOME THE NEWS.
OH, AND TO FILL IN THE BLANKS OF THE SENTENCE WHICH ENDED THE PREVIOUS GRAPH, THOSE WORDS ARE: "FOLLOWING" AND "AIRPORT."
WHAT KIND OF A SICKO ARE YOU?

DON'T ANSWER THAT BECAUSE WE'RE AFRAID SOMEONE MIGHT BE PANTLESS WHILE WATCHING LISPY LOU ON ESPN.
ONE OF THE SIGNS HELD UP BEHIND CHRIS-LEE-HERB KIRKSTREIT READ: "WHO GETS THE FIRST REACH-AROUND?"
AND, SOMEONE HOLLERED -- AFTER THE POIGNANT PIECE ABOUT WAKE FOREST LINEBACKER JON ABBATE AND HIS LITTLE BRO (A STORY WHICH USA TODAY HAD TWO MONTHS AGO) -- SOMETHING ABOUT THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE BEING GAY (AS THE CAMERAS PANNED TO A CLEARLY PHALIC SYMBOL ... THE TORCH AT THE TURNSTILE END OF THE COLISEUM).

GAMEDAY IS SO LAMEDAY. EVERY NOW AND THEN, THE THREE STOOGES ACTUALLY MIX IN SOME PERTINENT COLLEGE FOOTBALL DATA (BUT, RIGHT NOW, THERE'S MORE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MATERIAL FOUND ON THE NETWORK'S WORLD SERIES OF POKER BROADCASTS) -- WHICH IS WHY THERE'S A MOVEMENT AFOOT TO CLICK OVER TO CNN AND SPEND AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF TIME BREAKING DOWN BETTY'S GAME.
SURE, SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ARGUE THAT BETTY HAS, ESSENTIALLY THE SAME HAIRSTYLE AS COLLEAGUE VERA DE LA CRUZ ... WHILE OTHERS WILL REASON THAT BETTY NGUYEN IS TOO HOT FOR TV AND THAT, AS SUCH, SHE MIGHT LACK THE ANCHOR-DESK SAVVY OF KITTY PILGRIM.

WE CALL THOSE PEOPLE "LOSERS" ... JERK-OFFS WHO SIMPLY DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR COMPLEX RELATIONSHIP WITH BETTY AND SCUMBAGS WHO WEAR NO PANTS WHILE HERB KIRKSTREIT'S HAZEL EYES AND PEPSODENT SMILE TRY, IN EARNEST, TO CONVINCE AMERICA THAT N.D.'S OFFENSIVE LINE NEEDS TO PROTECT BRADY QUINN (AND BRADY QUINN'S DELICATE-BUT-INCREDIBLE KATE-JACKSON-ESQUE CHEEKBONES).

SAY, HERBIE ... ISN'T "PROTECTING THE QB" KINDA-SORTA-TOTALLY THE KEY TO EVERY FOOTBALL GAME PLAYED? WHAT HERBIE NEEDS TO DO IS TO STOP TAKING HIS FRUSTRATION OUT ON AMERICA ... THE LATENT BITTERNESS WHICH LINGERS JUST BECAUSE HIS OL AT OSU DIDN'T PROVIDE MAX-PROTECT AND THEREFORE DIDN'T GET HIM ON ANY HEISMAN WATCH LISTS.
HERBIE HAS TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE WAS MERELY A QB STOP-GAP BETWEEN KENT GRAHAM AND BOBBY HOYING (AND BECAUSE JOE PICKENS NEVER PANNED OUT AS QB SAVIOR).
EVEN WITH A BETTER OL, TORRETTA WAS STILL GOING TO BEAT OUT HERBIE FOR FIRST-TEAM ALL-AMERICA HONORS, ANYWAY (ALTHOUGH, IF HERBIE SHELVES HIS PERSONAL ANGUISH FOR A MOMENT, HE'LL REMEMBER HOW BADLY THE DOWNTOWN ATHLETIC CLUB COMPLETELY F'ED-UP AND MISTAKENLY AWARDED TO GINO THE HEISMAN WHICH FLORIDA STATE LB MARVIN JONES HAD EARNED).

IN CASE AMERICA WAS WONDERIN', HERBIE AND HIS LAMEDAY POSSE CAN'T SEEM TO GET OFF THEIR DEAD ASSES TO PROVIDE A FEATURE OF A COLLEGE LINEMAN OF NOTE THIS SEASON.
BETTY NGUYEN, ON THE OTHER HAND, WOULD BE OUT "IN THE FIELD," PROVIDING THE RIGHT BALANCE OF NEWSWORTHINESS AND FEMINITY.
TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT, LAMEDAY HAS NAMED TWO, POSSIBLY THREE, OFFENSIVE LINEMEN IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL THIS SEASON.
THEY ARE:
1) N.D.'S RYAN HARRIS AND HIS MUSLIM WAYS IN CATHOLICTOWN.
2) DUKE ROBINSON OF OKLAHOMA RECEIVING MAJOR PROPS FROM RECE DAVIS THAT NIGHT WHEN RECE PHONED INTO "COLLEGE LAMEDAY FINAL" WHEN HE WAS ON THE ROAD THE SATURDAY THAT FOWLER WAS COVERING THE BREEDER'S CUP IN LOUISVILLE.

HENCE, WHEN HERBIE STARTS HITTIN' AMERICA WITH VAGUE RHETORIC REGARDING THE FARTING IRISH'S OL, AMERICA ASKS, "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOTRE DAME GUARD TOM REGNER? OR MAYBE THE CENTER, DAVE HUFFMAN? WHADDYA THINK OF TACKLE ANDY HECK? ARE YOU GOIN' TO MENTION TACKLE LUKE PETITGOUT?"
THAT'S WHAT'S AWESOME ABOUT LAMEDAY ... THEY COULD THROW THOSE FOUR NAMES OUT THERE AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE BECAUSE LAMEDAY IS ABOUT TALKING HEADS BLAH-BLAH-BLAHING ABOUT NUTHIN' (AND ABOUT WHO CAN SNEAK THE CRUDEST SIGN INTO THE CAMERA'S LINE OF FIRE).
REMEMBER THE CORSO/DELAWARE-LIQUID-STEROIDS STORY WE BLOGGED ABOUT LAST WEEK?

TO ITS CREDIT, ESPN THE MAGAZINE SOMETIMES OFFERS SOMETHING A LITTLE DEEPER THAN THE SUPERFICIAL, THANKS TO SOME OCCASIONAL QUALITY FROM PAT FORDE AND TODD McSHAY -- BUT WITH MORE KUDOS TO A WRITER SUCH AS THE MIGHTY TIM KEOWN, WHO AUTHORED THAT EXCELLENT IN-DEPTH ARTICLE EARLIER THIS SEASON RE: CAL BEARS LINEMEN MIKE TEETER AND RULON DAVIS.
IS THAT THE LAMEDAY MOTTO: "GO READ ABOUT IT IN OUR MAGAZINE. WE HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE TRYING TO KEEP THAT BOOZEHOUND, MAGUIRE, IN CHECK."?
WHAT IF BETTY NGUYEN PULLED THAT CRAP? "READ ABOUT ME ON-LINE, OKAY, SAILOR?"

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. BETTY'S A REPORTER WHO LOOKS VERY NICE.
A JACKASS LIKE CORSO IS A COSTUME-WEARING KNOW-NOTHING ... HE MIGHT AS WELL DRESS UP LIKE A SPACE MAN FOR ONE SEGMENT; AS A BIG, YELLOW-AND-PINK-STRIPED RHINO FOR THE NEXT; AND AS THE JACK OF DIAMONDS FOR THE ONE AFTER THAT.
IN OTHER WORDS, CORSO IS VITALE WITH HAIR.
EITHER WAY, IT'S NO-TALENT VS. NO-TALENT ... AND AMERICA LOSES.
UNLESS AMERICA IS WATCHING BETTY NGUYEN.
OR ALTERNATIVE PROGRAMING ON AL-JEZEERA.

FOR THE RECORD, TOM REGNER PLAYED ON N.D.'S NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM OF 1966; DAVE HUFFMAN WAS THE CENTER ON THE IRISH'S '77 NATIONAL CHAMPS (JOE MONTANA AT QB); ANDY HECK WAS THE STALWART LINEMAN OF HOLTZ'S '88 NAT'L CHAMPS; AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT LUKE PETITGOUT WAS A STARTER FOR THE '98 IRISH BEFORE HIS CAREER W/ THE NYG.

THESE ARE THE WAYS THAT AMERICA FILLS IN THE GAPING HOLES LEFT BY LAMEDAY -- BY DOING OUR OWN RESEARCH.
LISPY SEZ N.D. WILL BEAT 'SC "FAIRLY EASILY" -- WHICH, IF YOU'RE WATCHING COLLEGE FOOTBALL FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME TODAY, MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
FIRST OF ALL, GRANDPA MUST'VE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT THE UCLA-ND GAME WHEREIN THE BRUINS FRICKIN' WORKED THE IRISH IN SOUTH BEND-OVER FOR THREE-PLUS QUARTERS (A GAME WHICH UCLA LOST BECAUSE SOMEBODY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SEND THE CARDBOARD-CUTOUT KARL DORRELL AND UCLA TO DO A MAN-SIZED, USC JOB -- AND N.D. STILL NEEDED A MINI-MIRACLE).
SECONDLY, GRANDPA HAD TO GO SLEEPY TIME BEFORE THE END OF THE MICHIGAN STATE-N.D. GAME ... THE ONE IN WHICH MSU WAS MICTURATING AND DEFECATING ON N.D. INTO THE THIRD QUARTER UNTIL, WELL ... UNTIL JOHN L. SMITH LOST HIS MARBLES (NO WORD IF THEY ARE THE SAME MARBLES WHICH HOLTZ KEEPS IN HIS MOUTH TO MAXIMIZE THE MARBLE-MOUTH EFFECT).
GRANDPA FORGOT ABOUT TWO GAMES WHEREIN N.D. WAS GETTIN' ITS COLLECTIVE ASSED KICKED BY EXTREMELY-MEDIOCRE TEAMS (AS OPPOSED TO SOMEWHAT-MEDIOCRE TEAMS).
FINALLY, GRANDPA PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE ESPN VAULT AND THE ARCHIVED FOOTAGE OF TREV ALBERTS, BEFORE THE JAN. '05 BCS TITLE GAME BETWEEN USC AND OKLAHOMA, WHEREIN TREV JINXED EVERYTHING WHEN HE PROCLAIMED, "I THINK THIS GAME GETS AWAY FROM USC IN A HURRY."
TRUE DAT, TREVOR!
IF PETE CARROLL HADN'T REINED IN HIS TROY BOYZ IN THE SECOND HALF, THEY'D'VE WON, 80-13, INSTEAD OF 55-19 WHEN THEY SPENT THE FINAL 15 MINUTES COASTING.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT SETS BETTY NGUYEN APART FROM LAMEDAY. SHE DOESN'T GET ALL POLITICAL AND ENGAGE IN PERSONAL ATTACKS OR FLIMSY HYPE, EVEN IF SHE THINKS PREZ. BUSH IS A TOOL.
BETTY NGUYEN .. HOT, BUT BALANCED.

LAMEDAY, THOUGH ... IT KINDA REMINDS YA OF THOSE TIMES IN HIGH SCHOOL WHEN YOU WERE STANDING AT YOUR HALLWAY LOCKER BETWEEN ENGLISH AND SOCIAL STUDIES AND, AS YOU SPUN THE DIAL, YOU LOOKED OVER AT LAMEDAY AND SAID, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, ANYWAY? YOU USED TO BE COOL. ONCE YOU STARTED DATING DISNEY, YOU REALLY BECAME A MAJOR PRICK."

SADLY, THERE IS NO GUIDANCE COUNSELOR AT ESPN TO SAY, "BETTER STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT, LAMEDAY."

IT'S GETTIN' CLOSE TO NOON ... WHICH MEANS THAT SOON WE'LL LEARN ABOUT REACH-AROUNDS AND THE HOMOSEXUALITY OF THE FOUR HORSEMEN.
WORD IS, THEY LIKED TO WATCH EACH OTHER SHOWER ...