So, while U-S-A! U-S-A! tucks in the Sunnis and the Shiites and the Sikhs at night (bedtime story re: American imperialism optional), there's approximately 46-51 carcasses of slain animals which are goin' sleepytime forever and ever tonight.
That's the fallout from the ZANESVILLE TIGER MASSACRE in Ohio which'll be forgotten 15 minutes from now.
Among the dead: 18 Bengal tigers, arguably God's most-beautiful creature (if ya believe in God, which, after what happened in Zanesville, makes it mighty damn difficult to do ...).
By this time next week, this story'll be deader than those murdered tigers -- 'cuz here in our U-S-A! U-S-A!, we save our headlines for more-headline-grabbing tigers.
For instance, down near the Gulf coast, the headline which echoes throughout the Auburn plains is:
TIGERS NOT LIKELY TO DEFEND NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP
Closer to the Bayou, headlines about LSU blare proudly:
TIGERS EYEING NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP
And, this weekend, when LSU and Auburn meet, it'll be double-the-imaginary-headline fun:
TIGERS vs. TIGERS WITH NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS!!!
Let's not forget how concerned everybody is on the Clemson campus when they pick up the school paper:
TIGERS 7-0 AND EYEING BCS BERTH!
Near the heart of America, the folks who refer to their campus as "Mizzou" are buzzing:
TIGERS EYEING BIG XII TITLE, POSSIBLE BCS BERTH
'Round the Great Lakes, the MLB team in the Motor City will crack open the Detroit Free Press to the tune of:
TIGERS UNABLE TO TAME TEXAS
When we consider Maximus Decimus Meridius glorious career inside the Colosseum, we remember the headlines in the local paper:
TIGRIS, TIGERS FAVORED AGAINST MAXIMUS
And, what about March Madness?
PRINCETON TIGERS: NO NCAA TITLE THIS YEAR
At least there's hope for South Williamsport in late-August:
KELLOGG'S, TONY THE TIGER, LLWS AGREE TO TERMS
On the PGA Tour, when the whispers turn to headlines re: Eldrick, it'll be:
TIGER EYEING A MAJOR COMEBACK IN 2012
Great headlines -- but, it doesn't answer the question: "What do tigers dream of / When they take a little tiger snooze? / Do they dream of mauling zebras / Or Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit?"
Apparently, some people believe that a tiger would just as readily maul Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit as it would a zebra -- which is probably what led to the paranoia which allowed those big cats (along with other big cats, some bears, wolves, others ... ) to be slaughtered.
"If you don't cut down a tiger or a cheetah or a coyote with an Uzi, that tiger or cheetah or coyote will eat you, your family, everybody you love and the Constitution of the United States of America ... "
They say that our Kenyamerican President once killed a tiger with a spear when he was a little boy with a white mom in Kenya.
Myth? Doesn't seem like it (especially when you consider his form when he tosses out one of those ceremonial first pitches at a ballgame) ...
Yet, the loss of those tigers is very disheartening. Few of us alive understand how the state of Ohio could turn a blind eye to this unspeakable act of bengalcide, coupled with the fact that the local NFL team with the tiger stripes on the players' helmets refuses to acknowledge the tiger slaughter with any type of tribute/observance before this Sunday's game.
Seems as though the Cinshitnati Bengals have a bye -- which is a typical NFL shortcoming, of course.
How convenient.
For humans.
Not so much for those magnificent creatures which were slain.
Now, U-S-A! U-S-A! looks for leadership from its Honey Tiger (LSU safety Tyrann Mathieu) and all we're gettin' is a headline which describes a recent setback:
TIGER SLAPPED ON WRIST FROM GETTIN' HISSELF ALL DOPESICK AFTER TOO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM HIS CANNABINOID BLUNT
"Oh, what a crazy fuck, look! Ewww, it's eating larvae, that's disgusting ..." ^^^ "Get away from me, says the snake, get away from me! Honey badger don't care. Honey badger smacks the shit out of it ..."
The Pakeeze and the Afghaneeze are sleepin' all snuggly in their star-spangled blankets, but the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game has gotta go out to that shithole ranch and scoop up those dead animals.
Let's say we do the math and totally crunch the numbers, the equation looks something like this: If it's true that there are approx. 1,500 tigers remaining on This Wonderful Planet of Wonderfulness, then 17 dead tigers equals 1.2 percent (.012) of the planet's tiger population, right?
Now, if we were allowed to play God for a day and balance out the universe, we could (or somebody could) gun down 1.2 percent of the 300 million inhabitants of U-S-A! U-S-A!
(Well, have ya multiplied .012 time 300,000,000 yet? ^^^ That's 3.6 million people ... )
When 32 people were slain at Virginia Tech back in '07, we were required to spend the next three weeks examining ourselves.
We had moments of silence, special ribbons and VT logos for our sports teams.
Because human life is precious ...
And, because animals are fun to shoot ...
Remember when Rick Reilly went on that sports-helping-humanity crusade a few years ago w/ that "Nothing But Nets" campaign which was designed to provide nets to prevent mosquitos-carrying-malaria from biting (and killing) African children?
It seems noble on its face -- until those kids grow up and then butcher an elephant for the ivory-rich tusks.
What we needed, Rick, was nets to trap those tigers and capture 'em w/o killin' 'em ... so that trained personnel could rehab those special creatures.
What a fucking disgrace one month to the day that the U.S. Postal Service issued the special stamp designed to increase awareness of the tiger.
Lamentably, the "war at home" will rage on.
And, the tigers -- the real tigers, not the sports mascots -- will lose ...
Which is bad news for those of us who love tigers.
And hate the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game ...
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