Bobblehead Conflict

STEELERS: Bill Clay's alive?

2011-12-24T19:23:00.002-11:00

Any time that Big Play, Willie Gay roams the Steeler secondary on the same Xmas Eve in which somebody named Have A Day, John Clay puts on a black-n'-gold Steeler jersey and turns his first NFL carry into an 10-yd. TD, one can't help but think of the name which Hans Gruber used when he met John McClane face-to-face for the first time.

"Clay ... Bill Clay ..." -- the name which he stole from the Nakatomi Bldg. directory!

Willie Gay ... Johnny Clay ... just stay out of their way or you'll pay, listen to what I say. "How about I just go eat some hay? I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay. I just may, whaddya say?"

That's too much movie overlap too early in this transmission, but that's what happens when the Rams appear on the schedule. The only truly memorable moment of that 27-0 win (other than the simply breathtaking John Clay TD run) occurred during the opening drive when #96 for St.L (I'm too uninterested to look up his name; let's just say that it WASN'T Deacon Jones, okay?) zeroed in on Charlie Batch and as #96 was about to gobble up the creaky-armed QB, Batch executed a nifty duck-for-cover/slide-to-his-left scramble before making the slightly-downfield flip to Mendenhall which resulted in a 35-yard gain.

That HAD to please the 17-28 fans at Heinz who were wearing their #5 MENDENHALL jerseys.

But, since today might very well have been the final game at Heinz this season, we'll have to wait for the 2012 season opener to see if more than 6 fans are bold enough to wear their #38 CLAY jerseys.

It's too early (in his career) to tell if John Clay can achieve the #38 status which was carved out by previous #38 greats such as Sidney Thornton, Tim Worley, Jon Wittman and Carey Davis (the only ones which come to mind off the top of my head ... the last non-RB to wear that #38, as we recall, was LB Ed Bradley, the white guy who had the same name as the black guy on 60 Minutes, just as Mike Wallace is the black WR w/ the same name as the white 60 Minutes guy -- which fascinates me because, when we were kids in the '70s, the Colts had that white center named Mendenhall and the Giants had that black D-lineman named Mendenhall and it just sorta seemed like a cool name which blacks and whites could share equally, much the way that Rashard and BYU coach Bronco do nowadays and ... ) ...

... jeez, it's time to get ready for the Browns, ain't it?

B/Ball Fiesta Aboard The USS Karl Vincent

2011-11-11T23:02:00.010-11:00

No matter how many of Jerry Sandusky's alleged indiscretions that they try to shove down our throats today (which isn't a pretty thought when taken in a literal context), we, the citizens of what's left of Proud America, can still get in the faces of our enemies around the world (either Hamas or Hezbollah ... or the Shiites or the Sunnis, I don't remember which) with spirited chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" as we watch a college basketball game played on the deck of an aircraft carrier which is parked in San Diego Harbor.
Like a lotta Americans, I don't know who the hell Karl Vincent is, but, like a lotta Americans, I'm happy as heck that the Afghaneeze, the Pakeeze and the Irockeeze will sleep soundly tonight under the blanket of a stars-n'-stripes "presence" as dreams of sugar plums dance in the heads of those protected Afghaneeze, Pakeeze and Irockeeze.

That is, until tomorrow when that marketplace bomb detonates at 1 p.m., local time, and a mother weeps because the heads of her son and daughter which were filled w/ dreams of dancing sugar plums were blown clean off their bodies by the blast.

And, she might also be weeping because she didn't watch SportsCenter to find out how many pts./rebs Harrison Barnes finished with.

C'mon, Irockee Mom ... use your iPhone app and git that score!

B/BALL on a BATTLESHIP (or on an aircraft carrier, whatever ...) ... what a star-spangled thrill (!!!), except the ref shoulda tossed the ball in the air at exactly 11.11 seconds past 11:11 a.m. local time so that we'd've had a UNC/MSU bloodbath tipping off at 11:11.11 on 11/11/11.

Alas, we long for the days when Al McGuire would characterize the undersized point guard as "a PT boat" takin' it down the lane on the dribble drive, goin' up against those big aircraft carriers in the paint ...

Yet, our sporting world and our world wars have changed so much since Al McGuire died at the outset of the new milennium.

Less than 10 yrs. earlier (at the outset of the '90s), Dean Smith ushered peace into a war zone known as the Persian Gulf when he canceled his Tar Heels game ...

Everybody remembers how the USS Karl Vincent returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown during the showdown known as DESERT STORM, but nobody seems to remember who won Desert Storm (answer: We're all winners, "yuu-ess-ayy! yuu-ess-ayy!") ...

OH, NO! Somebody somewhere just said that the name on the ship is "Carl Vinson," not Karl Vincent, the ficticious name which I've been applying.

According to the Wikipedia search which was recently executed, Carl Vinson deserves his name on the side of an aircraft carrier about as much as Tony La Russa does.

If the data is correct in that completely-one-sided, pro-Vinson bio, it seems as though we should be calling that warship the USS Augustus Bacon.

Or maybe I'll kahl it the USS Kevin Rohring, in honour of the 19-year-old who was ordered by his U-S-A! U-S-A! to die unceremoniously in a Vietnamese jungle (or a Vietnamese rice field) so that Carl Vinson wouldn't be speaking Vietnamese while he was taking $$$ from lobbyists during his 718 years as a member of the Georgia state legislature.

Every now and then, it's fun to ponder the aftermath of warplanes returning to the deck of the USS Kevin Rohring anchored off the coast of Savannah after four jet fighters have carpetbombed the (flock!) outta Carl Vinson's office in the capitol bldg. in The A-T-L.

Anyway, naming battleships after people only makes sense if ya do it on the behalf of the upper-tier Americans, say, ohhhh ... Geronimo, considering how it was Opertation: Geronimo which allowed Obama to defeat Osama and put an end to al-Qaeda and the Taliban forever and ever -- and it would've been so much more meaningful to some of us proud Americans if this aircraft carrier which eventually dumped bin-Laden's body into the ocean had been called the USS Crazy Horse (so named for the iconoclastic Native American who never sat on his ass inside a federal office building).

WAIT A SEC! Did my eyes deceive me or was that a Proud American named Pamela Anderson (she and "proud American" have the same initials, BTW) who was mingling w/ the glitterati and G.I.s?

That's the name of the game ... P.A. "gets it." Her dumb blonde act belies the fact that she is pro-Team USA! fightin' the good fight in lands far and wide so that a crusader who is interested (or obssessed) with establishing cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation which is "Number 1 ... exporter of potassium ... " so that he can make love explosion on Pamela Anderson's stomach.

Love explosion on her tummy ... if that sounds unappealing, maybe she should consider the alternative: Gettin' sunk by the USS Carmen Electra.

Oh, look, Mommy! Pres. SportsFan was at the ballgame tonight ... and he was sittin' courtside w/ Mrs. Pres. SportsFan, the sister of the guy who'll lead his Oregon State Beavers b/ballers into a new frontier in '11/'12.

And, that "frontier" is this: Being as really really really really mediocre in the Pac-12 North as the Beavers were in the Pac-10 Regular.

Oughta be fun ...

'Cuz that's what war n' sports oughta be -- a consolidation of "funner" and "funnest" -- especially now, 3 days after Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has hit the streets ... and 2 days after the USS Joe Paterno was sunk by the USS Jerry Sandusky.

Special thanks to the Damned: "And only the wounded remain / The generals have all left the game / With no will to fight / They'll fade with the light / There's nobody left they can blame ..."

Okay, so maybe that cut only the 6th best on "Strawberries" (can't believe it'll be 30 yrs. old next yr.), but y'can't rank it (can u?) ahead of "Dozen Girls" / "Under The Floor Again" / "Gun Fury (Of Riot Forces)" / "The Dog" / and "Life Goes On," the last song on this short list gaining fame for the intro riff which was stolen by Killing Joke and then Nirvana for their own gain.

If Carl Vinson wants to score some brownie points w/ his constituents and flex some military muscle instead of currying favour from special interests, he shoulda declared war on artists who rip off other artists.

As it stands, I'll always call his big boat the USS Karl Vincent.

Except for the remainder of 2011 when I'm re-overhyping The EspyChannel's superhype in the following manner:

"Y'wanna know the only way this football game/hockey game/chess match/soccer tilt could be any better? If they were playing it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... and we were watching it at Buffalo Wild Wings."

"only way this BLT and icy mug of root beer would taste better would be if I was enjoying it on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson ... "

"This board meeting sucks. Can we schedule the next one not for the conference room but for the deck of the USS Carl Vinson?"

"Remember three weeks ago when everybody with a rifle and/or a shotgun in/near Zanesville, Ohio was allowed to take target practice on the 46-50 exotic animals which had escaped from that redneck's compound? Wouldn't it have been more cool if we'd sent in the USS Carl Vinson to rescue those 18 Bengal tigers before the USS Carl Vinson evaporated Zanesville, Ohio from the planet?"

"The Twin Towers would be standing tall and filled with activity today if only the USS Carl Vinson had been parked in New York Harbor to assist Lady Liberty in warding off Atta and evil-doers ..."

"This sex act that we just performed was plenty righteous and gratifying, but wouldn't it have been more-patriotic if you'd let me bang you on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson?"

"This Steelers victory was nice ... but it would've been nicer if they'd played it and donated all the proceeds to a kick-ass/not-half-assed memorial at Shanksville and we watched it on a JumboTron and the tears streamed down our cheeks and onto the deck of the USS Carl Vinson on which we were standing?"

God bless you, Karl Vincent ...

= = = = = = = =

Zanesville Tiger Massacre

2011-10-20T13:55:00.019-11:00

Sometimes, we Americans overlook how our beloved U-S-A! U-S-A! assumes the lead in world affairs by demonstrating peace through strength via peacemaking missions in countries ending in "-stan" (i.e. Goodneighborstan, Dearfriendistan, Hiyabuddystan), yet it can't always get its own house in order.

So, while U-S-A! U-S-A! tucks in the Sunnis and the Shiites and the Sikhs at night (bedtime story re: American imperialism optional), there's approximately 46-51 carcasses of slain animals which are goin' sleepytime forever and ever tonight.

That's the fallout from the ZANESVILLE TIGER MASSACRE in Ohio which'll be forgotten 15 minutes from now.

Among the dead: 18 Bengal tigers, arguably God's most-beautiful creature (if ya believe in God, which, after what happened in Zanesville, makes it mighty damn difficult to do ...).

By this time next week, this story'll be deader than those murdered tigers -- 'cuz here in our U-S-A! U-S-A!, we save our headlines for more-headline-grabbing tigers.

For instance, down near the Gulf coast, the headline which echoes throughout the Auburn plains is:

TIGERS NOT LIKELY TO DEFEND NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP

Closer to the Bayou, headlines about LSU blare proudly:

TIGERS EYEING NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP

And, this weekend, when LSU and Auburn meet, it'll be double-the-imaginary-headline fun:

TIGERS vs. TIGERS WITH NAT'L CHAMPIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS!!!

Let's not forget how concerned everybody is on the Clemson campus when they pick up the school paper:

TIGERS 7-0 AND EYEING BCS BERTH!

Near the heart of America, the folks who refer to their campus as "Mizzou" are buzzing:

TIGERS EYEING BIG XII TITLE, POSSIBLE BCS BERTH

'Round the Great Lakes, the MLB team in the Motor City will crack open the Detroit Free Press to the tune of:

TIGERS UNABLE TO TAME TEXAS

When we consider Maximus Decimus Meridius glorious career inside the Colosseum, we remember the headlines in the local paper:

TIGRIS, TIGERS FAVORED AGAINST MAXIMUS

And, what about March Madness?

PRINCETON TIGERS: NO NCAA TITLE THIS YEAR

At least there's hope for South Williamsport in late-August:

KELLOGG'S, TONY THE TIGER, LLWS AGREE TO TERMS

On the PGA Tour, when the whispers turn to headlines re: Eldrick, it'll be:

TIGER EYEING A MAJOR COMEBACK IN 2012

Great headlines -- but, it doesn't answer the question: "What do tigers dream of / When they take a little tiger snooze? / Do they dream of mauling zebras / Or Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit?"

Apparently, some people believe that a tiger would just as readily maul Hale Berry in her Catwoman suit as it would a zebra -- which is probably what led to the paranoia which allowed those big cats (along with other big cats, some bears, wolves, others ... ) to be slaughtered.

"If you don't cut down a tiger or a cheetah or a coyote with an Uzi, that tiger or cheetah or coyote will eat you, your family, everybody you love and the Constitution of the United States of America ... "

They say that our Kenyamerican President once killed a tiger with a spear when he was a little boy with a white mom in Kenya.

Myth? Doesn't seem like it (especially when you consider his form when he tosses out one of those ceremonial first pitches at a ballgame) ...

Yet, the loss of those tigers is very disheartening. Few of us alive understand how the state of Ohio could turn a blind eye to this unspeakable act of bengalcide, coupled with the fact that the local NFL team with the tiger stripes on the players' helmets refuses to acknowledge the tiger slaughter with any type of tribute/observance before this Sunday's game.

Seems as though the Cinshitnati Bengals have a bye -- which is a typical NFL shortcoming, of course.

How convenient.

For humans.

Not so much for those magnificent creatures which were slain.

Now, U-S-A! U-S-A! looks for leadership from its Honey Tiger (LSU safety Tyrann Mathieu) and all we're gettin' is a headline which describes a recent setback:

TIGER SLAPPED ON WRIST FROM GETTIN' HISSELF ALL DOPESICK AFTER TOO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM HIS CANNABINOID BLUNT

"Oh, what a crazy fuck, look! Ewww, it's eating larvae, that's disgusting ..." ^^^ "Get away from me, says the snake, get away from me! Honey badger don't care. Honey badger smacks the shit out of it ..."

The Pakeeze and the Afghaneeze are sleepin' all snuggly in their star-spangled blankets, but the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game has gotta go out to that shithole ranch and scoop up those dead animals.

Let's say we do the math and totally crunch the numbers, the equation looks something like this: If it's true that there are approx. 1,500 tigers remaining on This Wonderful Planet of Wonderfulness, then 17 dead tigers equals 1.2 percent (.012) of the planet's tiger population, right?

Now, if we were allowed to play God for a day and balance out the universe, we could (or somebody could) gun down 1.2 percent of the 300 million inhabitants of U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Well, have ya multiplied .012 time 300,000,000 yet? ^^^ That's 3.6 million people ... )

When 32 people were slain at Virginia Tech back in '07, we were required to spend the next three weeks examining ourselves.

We had moments of silence, special ribbons and VT logos for our sports teams.

Because human life is precious ...

And, because animals are fun to shoot ...

Remember when Rick Reilly went on that sports-helping-humanity crusade a few years ago w/ that "Nothing But Nets" campaign which was designed to provide nets to prevent mosquitos-carrying-malaria from biting (and killing) African children?

It seems noble on its face -- until those kids grow up and then butcher an elephant for the ivory-rich tusks.

What we needed, Rick, was nets to trap those tigers and capture 'em w/o killin' 'em ... so that trained personnel could rehab those special creatures.

What a fucking disgrace one month to the day that the U.S. Postal Service issued the special stamp designed to increase awareness of the tiger.

Lamentably, the "war at home" will rage on.

And, the tigers -- the real tigers, not the sports mascots -- will lose ...

Which is bad news for those of us who love tigers.

And hate the Ohio Dept. of Fish & Game ...

# # # # # # # # # #

STEELER Season #40: Cataclysm At Canteloupe Crotch

2011-09-11T20:12:00.010-11:00

... but, at least, matters got outta hand early, so it was okay to wander away from the contest and take a drive and turn on the radio to hear Christian Adolph Jurgensen and Robert Lee Huff -- born 42 days apart in 1934 -- providing some powerful commentary from the broadcast booth which they share with Larry Michael.

True ... Larry Michael is the radio play-by-play voice of the Redskins ... and Chris Jurgensen actually goes by "Sonny" and Bob Huff is better known as "Sam" -- and, sure, they were great players back in the 1920s or 1930s (whichever it was), but neither of 'em has any bidniss bein' in the broadcast booth.

America realizes that.

It's not because they're each 77 yrs. old.

It's because they fucking suck.

With that in mind, 9/11 seems like the perfect day to pink-slip each of 'em and to earmark the salaries they don't deserve for the next disaster which befalls these United States.

Simple as that: I have once again waved my magic wand and raised $2.7 mil for U.S. Disaster Relief.

Just like that time when I suggested that each of the 30 MLB teams dump its bench coach and then re-route that $15-18 mil to tornado-ravaged Missouri or Alabama (then, we chop Selig's $14 mil/yr. in half and "presto!" ... we've just raised a total of $25 mil w/o lifting a finger).

Damn right, I'm damn proud of me -- raisin' $27.2 mil for disaster relief ...

Now, even though bad broadcasting is more of a crime than an outright disaster, some Terrible Towelistas might argue that the performance by the defending AFC Champion Steelers in their season opener at Canteloupe Crotch was a bonafide catastrophe/cataclysm in its own right, but, let's not be so hasty.

(*Editor's Note: "Canteloupe Crotch" is the affectionate nickname for the stadium of Baltimore's Cartoon Football Birds, whereupon a statue of Johnny Unitas has a bulge in his pants the size of a canteloupe ^^^^ "Google it!" and don't be afraid to either giggle like a 12-year-old girl or shake yer head while muttering, "That's fucking pathetic.")

Yeah, okay ... so it's a major problem to commit 7 turnovers (also known as "giveaways") against an opponent/rival which many people have probably designated as the AFC representative to line up against Green Bay or New Orleans in SB46.

On the other hand, it's important to reference the scripture which reads: "The Ravens' Super Bowl is the Pittsburgh game; the Steelers' Super Bowl is the actual Super Bowl."

That concept was never more apparent than eight mos. ago when everybody from Linthicum to Timonium was convinced that THERE WAS NO WAY! that the Purple Pigeons were gonna blow that 21-7 halftime lead in Heinz -- and, yes, the Linthicumese and the Timoniumians were just itichin' to talk shit for days on end ... until Antonio Brown cradled that 3rd-and-18, 58-yards-to-the-Baltimore-4 reception against the side of his helmet to set up the game-winner before Ziggy Hood and Lawrence Timmons rattled Flacco's ribcage w/ that awesome sack moments before Houshmanzilli dropped the fourth-down pass at the first-down marker.

Now, nobody's sayin' that the Ravens completely shot their wad with today's effort in THEIR Super Bowl (which was a wider margin than those two routs in '06 which we refuse to talk about).

It's just that since they don't play these games "on paper" (except in the NFL Dungeons & Dragons realm known as "fantasy leagues"), the Ravens are likely to fuck it up somehow some way.

From a historical Week One perspective, the "on paper" metrics are that none of the Steelers' eight Super Bowl teams ever lost its season opener.

Bad omen?

Maybe ... until we consider that the 8-game Week One win streak which was snapped today actually began w/ the '03 opener ... the 34-15 win over B'More in Heinz to kick off Year 2 of The Great Tommy Maddox Comeback as well as mark the dawn of a hotshot rookie outta USC named Troy Polamalu.

That Steeler team was 2-1 before beginning a Maddoxian 5-game slide which had folks thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to spend a first-round pick in the next Draft on a QB.

At the time, we were getting that sinking feeling that the Arena League/XFL/insurance-world refugee (Maddox) might not be a long-term solution ... and the rookie QB/5th-round pick on the sideline (Brian St. Pierre) probably wasn't the answer, either.

Our thought process BACK THEN was, "Okay, but which QB should we draft? J.P. Losman who has 'all the tools'? Craig Krenzel who has the national championship? Peyton's little brother? Josh Harris from Bowling Green? Who the hell is Josh Harris? What about Rivers from N.C. State? His mechanics are weird. What the hell is a ... Roth-Rothless-Rothlesswho? He plays for the OTHER Miami? Let's think about Losman again. Didja say that he's a disciple of the Steve Clarkson Academy of Mediocre QBing?"

It feels like a million years ago (doesn't it, though?) when these teams squared off in Game 1 of the '98 season opener in B'More ... the first regular-season game at Ravens Stadium (which might've been before the statue of JohnnyU.HasAVolleyballForGenitalia was, ha ha ha, "erected" -- I mean, I was there for that game w/ my free tix for me n' the Mrs. and all I remember was Jimmy Harbaugh bein' really really so-so ... and then Eric Zeier got into the game ... but that was long after Harper LeBel made that horrendous long snap on a punt for a loss of 31 yds. to inside the Raven 5 ... and, of course, there was that play wherein Richard Huntley broke free down the sideline for 40+ yds., albeit his TD bid was thwarted by Duane Starks tracked him down and then punched the ball loose, la pelota bouncing free and through the end zone for a touchback ... ).

For sure, we'll hear plenty in the upcoming days (unless we boycott the Disneyland Sports Channel known as ... wait a sec, did Berman spend the lockout chain-smoking and eating spoonfuls of sawdust? 'cuz his voice sounds raspier and more-gravelly than Nina Blackwood's) about how the Steelers' D is too old, considering how the only starters under 30 are Woodley, Timmons and Willie Gay (Exhibit A: Hampton 34, Keisel 33, Smith 35, von Oelhoffen 40, Farrior 36, Harrison 32, Taylor 21, Polamalu 30, Clark 32 ... okay, so I snuck Kimo's name in there just for kicks).

Oh, and it looks like Crezdon Butler didn't pan out at CB, shucks ...

So, as I begin my 40th season of believing in the Steelers (the first 25 as the head of BlackNGold ops for the California Bureau; the past 14 as one of the chief deputies of the Mid-Atlantic Corridor's checkpoints), I BELIEVE THAT THEY'LL BE OKAY -- someplace in the W-L potential of 9-7 or even 10-6, injuries permitting.

The OL will probably be another messy situation, yet, with five future Hall of Famers (Polamalu, Ward, Roethlisberger, Woodley and Pouncey), there's too much talent here to abandon hope after one opening-day setback.

Hence, there'll be no need to spend as much as five minutes of a future Sunday hearing a potentially-inebriated Sonny quip, "A first down here would be nice" -- to which a more-than-likely-drunken Sam Huff would add, "Ain't that right."

That's awesome broadcasting -- although, if I'd been born n' raised in Squirrel Hill and had spent my childhood and adolesence listening to the amateurish yoinks and rants of Myron Cope, I'd probably, right now, be in my 13th year of rooting for the Carolina Panthers following 16 years of faithfulness to the Browns, interrupted by a 3-yr. stint bein' a Birmingham Stallions diehard ...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Get Warmed Up, #5 Paul Ernster!

2010-12-06T08:53:00.009-11:00

There's a great many folks out there (well, probably more than 4, but maybe less than 22) who are thankful that they didn't sell their ERNSTER 5 Steelers jerseys

on eBay following the SB43 magnificence of two years ago ... especially here in this Ravens Crybaby Corridor wherein the crybaby cries of the crybabies range from "We gave it away!" to "We gave you guys the game!"

What their dismay demonstrates is that 84.3 percent of Ravens fans are pussies (c'mon ... you KNEW that), but it also drowns out the muted sobs of Daniel Sepulveda, who, apparently, tore his ACL during the bloodbath last night and will miss the remainder of the season.

Before we reach out to help our fallen punter, we'll need to console Raven crybabies with comforting words such as, "Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some new dance moves" ... or "Maybe your all-star linebacker needs some different sound bytes for America ... new material instead of 'This is game time!' and 'This is big-boy football! blah blah blah ..." -- or maybe the all-star linebacker needs to tell us who stabbed to death them two boys lyin' in the street and bleedin' out outside the Cobalt Lounge ...

'Nuff 'bout Ray-Ray ... somebody's gotta phone the man who's a lucky rabbit's foot -- Paul Ernster -- and inquire as to his availability for the new job opening.

That is, unless the Steelers brass is eyeing somebody else.

After all, The Ern's 3-day trial wasn't anything to brag about (12 punts, a 31.6 avg.) two yrs. ago when the mighty Mitch Berger was dinged up (after Sepulveda went on IR during preseason).

Yet, Paul T. Ernster made every person who had the guts to buy an ERNSTER 5 jersey damn proud when, one week after he failed to extend the Colts' 40-year losing streak in Pittsburgh, by stretching the Chargers' regular-season record to 0-13 in Pittsburgh when he, as the punter-off-the-street, took the snap from the snapper-off-the-street (Jared Retkofsky) and executed a professional placement for Jeff Reed's chippie FG w/ :11 to play, making the Steelers victorious in the first-ever 11-10 game in NFL history.

You can't buy memories like that.

Now, none of us civilians who don't work in the Steelers' front office knows who'll be brought in to create new memories. But, with the way that Sepulveda keeps gettin' hisself all hurt, maybe the Steelers need to spend the offseason considering the step-two-three-kick stylings of somebody like a Hendrix Blakefield of Western Kentucky or a Kiel Rasp of Washington or maybe even C.J. Feagles of North Carolina.

Hendrix Blakefield and Kiel Rasp (whose names might be real or made-up, nobody's sure) are punters who wear #99 and #94, respectively ... and Kiel Rasp is a soph. and Hendrix Blakefield is a frosh., as is C.J. Feagles.

We don't know if any of 'em is apt to turn pro after this bowl season ... and, Feagles ranked only 113th in the NCAA in avg./punt ... but, THEN AGAIN, he is the son of the man who played more games than anyone in NFL history, SOHHHHH ...

Hendrix Blakefield ...
Kiel Rasp ...
That's frickin' awesome ...

+ + +

Get Warmed Up, #5 Piotr Czech!

2010-11-16T23:38:00.005-11:00

... 'cuz it seems as though the Steelers' brass (wait ... brass? made of steel?) has had enough of the quirky (or bizarre) Jeff Reed.

We don't know if Piotr Czech (seen here during that breathtaking 17-0 win

over the Bills during the '09 preseason) will be offered a second chance a Steelers PK job (WHICH WAS STOLEN FROM HIM!) during a PK audition in the next few days ... but it is fun to ponder the possibilities of purchasing an authentic (or replica) CZECH 5 Steelers jersey, isn't it?

Perhaps Jeff Reed isn't quite as amused, considering he was axed almost 8 full yrs. to the day when he was signed as an in-season replacement for Todd Peterson (ol' semi-unreliable #2).

Whether it was a concern for peroxide sales or for the safety of towel dispensers in a Sheetz near you, dumping Jeff Reed has all the earmarks of a panic move.

The simple math was this: 11 of 13 FG on the road, 4 of 9 at home (0-4 in the 40-49 range) ...

True ... it might've been a matter of what was inside (or not inside) Jeff Reed's head -- or maybe it's a matter of finally admitting that the field surface and the crazy crosswinds make Heinz a PK graveyard.

Uh, oh ... word on the street is that something named Shaun Suisham -- not Piotr Czech (or, for that matter, international footballer, Petr Cech) -- will be the new PK on the hot seat.

"Who do you think you are, Shaun Suisham ... an ultra-modern Booth Lusteg?"

This latest development reminds ya a little of what happened to Kris Brown ... the previous #3 PK in black n' gold.

Remember how he led the NFL w/ 44 FGA in '01, but was only 6-15 from 40-49 yds. the first season of Heinz Field?

After he was 86'ed, he was 11-14 from 40-49 yds. for the Texans in '02 ... the first yr. of Reliant Stadium and its kicker-friendly surface.

Analytics such as that probably weren't going to save a guy who gained immense street cred when he destroyed that Sheetz towel dispenser shortly after SB43.

But, now it's "adios" to the man who kicked the FG two seasons ago which provided the winning margin in the only 11-10 game in NFL history.

And it was Jeff Reed's professional PAT as the clock read "0:00" which provided the winning margin last season in the only 37-36 game in NFL history.

We'll never forget his winning FG w/ :17 to play which provided the only points during the lowest-scoring game in the history of Monday Night Football (that classic, 3-0 win over Miami in the Heinz Field slop in '07).

And, most recently, it was Reed's FG in the final seconds three weeks (on the road!) which provided the winning margin in the only 23-22 game in Steelers history (maybe in NFL history, I dunno).

Maybe there were transgressions which we'll never know about -- but, all I know is that Jeff Reed represents the Sheetz Towel Dispenser Destroyer in all of us.

That should count for something, shouldn't it?

+ + +

Who The Hell Is Rachel Coating?

2010-11-11T19:48:00.003-11:00

Finestine stumbled into our lives today by working his way onto the local radio, blah blah blah blah ... the rumor that a nearby team (the D.C. Deadskins) "cut their playbook in half" to suit the QB (McNabb) is proof that the message sent by the head coach (Shanahan) is laden with Rachel Coating.

Finestine, the guy who writes the last-page column which you never read in the magazine (the Sporting News) which you don't subscribe to, might've actually used the R-word (a "race cyst") to describe Shanahan (none of us can remember, but the implication was so overt, it was ridiculous) as a summation for the aftermath/fallout of the McNabb-for-Sexy-Rexy benching last Sunday -- and it seems mighty obvious that Finestine if hell-bent on furthering some sort of an agenda.

When Finestine got into a crossfire thing with The Sports Fix's Kevin Sheehan and Thom Lovero -- and then later w/ Steve Czaban -- he fired blanks in all directions in a blind, race-baiting line-of-reasoning which makes Mel Gibson's train of thought seem "reasonable and grounded."

And, that's really sad for the newborn baby of a 54-year-old.
What ... that she's the daughter of a Jew?
No ... that she is the spawn of a loudmouthed slob who has linked Mike Shanahan to Rachel Coating.

Aside from the fact that Finestine would prefer a coach named Rosenberg or Rosenstein (or Goldberg or Goldstein), maybe it all boils down to the fact that he's reading too much into an unconfirmed rumor (sometimes called "a leak").

It's a shame (or a pity ... not sure which) that it had to come to this. After all, if we used Finestine's own flimsy line of reasoning against him, we'd have to revoke his right to be the "color commentator" (term used loosely) on Navy football broadcasts (read: another vehicle for John to blah blah blah blah into a live microphone).

For us American citizens who aren't into the whole synagogue thing, we can't help by wonder if the next time we bump into Finey, we might not say: "Hey-ya, buddy ... what does a doughy, talks-too-much Jewboy like you know about football? I mean, REALLY know about the game. Didja play the sport? Or didja get the crap kicked outta ya by football players before they stole your dreidel and played Frisbee with your yarmulke?"

A long time ago, a lot of realized that fatsos who never played the game shouldn't talk about the game as though they did.
Until we get some laws in this country to restrict dumbshits from doin' dumbshit things, Finestine will be allowed the freedom to do more than gather quotes and regurgitate those quotes.

Oh ... and linger too long near the shower area ...

Johnny needs to stick to the sports he sucks at (tennis, golf, swimming laps at the Y) and allow us to get on with our lives w/o polluting our brains with assertions that Rodge The Commish should be investigating and resolving with a forearm shiver to Johnny's checkbook.

Finey was one step from asserting that Shanahan thinks McNabb is a stupid, lazy N-word -- a fine-able offense, to be sure.
(Yeah, that's what he implied, Rodge ... )

On the lighter side of matter, we COULD employ an open-minded viewpoint wherein we weigh the possibility that Coach Shanny and QB Donny had a wager that an actual Deadskins playbook could not be cut in in half by using a ban saw or a mitre saw.

When the experiment was complete ... "yes! we cut the playbook in half for Donovan TO DEMONSTRATE THAT A MITRE SAW CAN ACTUALLY CUT A 3-RING BINDER AND ITS CONTENTS IN HALF."

Case closed, Feinberg.

So, tell Rachel Coating and her racial coding to sit the hell down and shut the F up.

And, if ya wanna accuse Shanahan of something, put nepotism at the top of the list.

"Son of Shan" (o-coordinator Kyle Shanahan) is barely qualified to sweep the hallways at FedEx Field ...

+ + +

Crucial Fantasy League Update

2010-11-07T21:48:00.007-11:00

Since Goodell's NFL is makin' me wait 'til tomorrow night to get together with all my rowdy bobbleheads (when The Steel Curtain crashes down on Carson Palmer and all his Cinshitnati friends), this is the perfect opportunity to check up on my Fantasy League team.

And, what a day it was ... right from the get-go, no less.

On the second play of the game, Joe Greene and Bob Lilly sandwiched Jim Kelly (and basically destroyed him) ... and when the ball squirted loose, Willie Lanier scooped it up and, after straight-arming a feeble tackle attempt by Larry Csonka, he lateraled to Tommy Nobis, who advanced the ball 12 yds. before he lateraled to Spider Lockhart, who carried it the final 33 yds. for the TD.

Just for "kicks," I allowed 2013 HOF inductee Dermontti Dawson to kick the extra point.

IT'S CALLED FANTASY FOOTBALL, PEOPLE! -- not "Is Visanthe Shiancoe Available This Week?"

And, oh, doctor ... the highlight of the second quarter was when Tshmanga Biakabutuka threw that 41-yard halfback option pass to Ifeanyi Uwaezuoke ... a tremdendous play on the pitch and the catch ... but, alas ... each player was waived at halftime.

It's called FANTASY FOOTBALL, people! -- not "Status: Doubtful, Questionable, Probable."

So, in the third quarter, I opted for the Polish QB rotation of Majkowski and Tomczak -- and each responded with perfect-spiral, 75-yard TD passes to Louis Lipps Sinks Ships.

R.W. McQuarters was beaten badly on each TD pass -- which wasn't entirely his fault, considering that he didn't have the safety help he might've hoped for after Jack Tatum was carted off the field in the first quarter after he was run over by John Henry Johnson during a 22-yard TD run.

That cart-off occurred three plays before George Atkinson was carted off the field after he was run over by Marion Motley on a 57-yard TD run.

Today's opponent is somewhat shorthanded at safety because Charlie Waters is blaming Cliff Harris ... Cliff Harris is pointing the finger at Charlie Waters ... and they both got flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct for blaming the Steelers for keeping them out of the Hall of Fame.

While they're on the bench, Spencer Pratt and The Situation are the free safety and strong safety ... and they look mighty confused (D-coordinator Cher just slammed her headset to the ground and head coach Tommy Lasorda just burned another timeout .

[God, this is a great game, here at FantasyLand Stadium ... hard to believe it's only 84-0 ... 'cuz it could've been a lot worse, as play-by-play man, Stan Barron, and color analyst, Jackie Moynahan, have indicated ... ]

"Oh, shit!" Lasorda exclaimed ... linebackers Jack Lambert and Karl Kahl (#53 for West Division High) just aggresively shoved backup QB Herb Kirkstreit out of bounds, Herbie violently collided with the table holding the Gatorade jugs and the end result of such a chain reaction was that the plastic barrels knocked over Georgia Frontiere, who fell backwards into Jerry Jones, who broke his hip and shattered his plastic face ...

"It's called Fantasy Football, people!" -- not The Ticker On The Bottom of My TV Screen Indicates That Jericho Cotchery Has One Reception For 8 Yards.

That was almost amusing as the tackle-eligible play we ran when Gene Hickerson took the handoff from Walter Payton, stiff-armed Hollywood Henderson and then flipped a tackle-eligible/tackle-option TD pass to Fuzzy Thurston, who had reported as an eligible receiver.

Wow! L.C. Greenwood just blitzed, tossed Robert Gallery out of the way and body-slammed the bejabbers outta Kyle Boller

That's the eighth QB we've de-commisioned today.
And, look who's warming up on the visitor's sideline!
It's Ryan Leaf AND Elvis Grbac!

I wish this Fantasy League Sunday never had to end ...

+ + +

Ex-Big Red Machine vs. NEW RED MACHINE

2010-10-04T23:22:00.021-11:00

Time to grab our hymn books and to re-visit the Ghosts of Cinshitnati Past >> i.e., the examination of the following talking points:
-- the last time that the Phils n' Reds squared off in the playoffs ...
-- the last time that the Reds made the playoffs ...
-- the last time that the Reds visited Philly ...

It's a lot of ground to cover, but, beginning with Oct. '76, "ah, yes" ... America The Beautiful was awash in Bicentennial majesty and some of us were meek-and-paranoid high school freshmen uncertain about the inner-workings of chicks and unsure if a new relationship forged between a SoCal lone wolf and the up-n'-comers from Philly would develop into something as steel-clad as as the, at that time, 5-year association which had been achieved w/ the Steel Curtain.

Alas, there would be no championship rings in the immediate future for the Kalifornia Kid -- although there was that time in P.E. class when somebody asked Albert Anderson what time his dad's team was playin' Game 1.

Albert was Sparky's son (what you need to do, America, is imagine Sparky's face and long, black hair on a 14-year-old body >> NOT a pretty picture, to be sure) ...

("hey, that dude's wearing a Phillies' cap" >> of course he is, Heather ... of course he is ... )

Anyway, none of us remembers seeing Albert in or around the hallway lockers or in the cafeteria or in Social Studies following that freshman year in LancerLand.
If memory serves, Albert might've had a few problems, despite the success of Dad, who, allegedly made his off-season home in T.O. (and maybe he still does, I dunno).

For Philly locals, mid-'70s, they jammed into their semi-new, multi-purpose stadium for the organization's first postseason berth in 26 years ... wayyyy back during an era when MLB and NFL teams shared the big fish bowls >> The Vet, Riverfront, Three Rivers ...

Phillies/Eagles ... Reds/Bengals ... Steelers/Pirates ... big ballparks, loud crowds, the '70s were good to those cities ...

Such was NOT the case in America's Heartland back then ... say, in St. Louis, where the baseball Cards/football Cards were playin' a lot of .500 ball while sharing the bowl furnished by Anheuser Busch.

There can be no mistake: That '76 series sucked ... and it was a devastating blow to hustle home from school, click on the TV to NBC and see Ron Reed servin' up back-to-back HRs to Foster and Bench to begin the 9th >> and, then, abruptly, it was all over, oh shit! as Griffey hit that little tapper, first baseman Bobby Tolan charged in, but, there was no play at the plate, Concepcion completed the slide, pop-up style and then jumped into the arms of his teammates.

That was the first time that some of us actually watched such events and could actually process the process known as "anguish."
It was hard to forget the stunned expression on the face of Downtown Ollie Brown as he sat motionless on the bench with a bat resting between his legs.
101 wins down the drain >> and 6 mos. of bird-doggin' Lisa was probably also down the drain.

Lisa LostCause was part of the "despair" paradigm.
Not anguish.
Two mutually-exclusive, non-conflicting paradigms, people ...

Talking Point #2: We all remember the last time that Cinshitnati reached the postseason >> 1995 ... a simpler time in America's post-MLB Strike of '94 ... as the Phils' front office (for whatever reason) had summarily and diligently deconstructed and dismantled the '93 National League champions ("to what end?" we wondered) by executing a myriad of questionable personnel moves (far too many to list here).

All this whilst the Redlegs of That Era were wearin' those lame white caps w/ red brims (during the '90s/Y2K experiment of 30 or 40 uniform combinations) ... Barry Larkin was the NL MVP and "jeepers, that Pete Schourek had a heckuva year, didn't he?" >> and who can forget Jeff Brantley's 28 saves (44 the next year before gettin' hisself all injured in '97 >> which worked out beautifully when he brought that balsa-wood arm to Team Francona ...

WARNING LABEL: The 2000 Phillies = Francona (65-97), Omar Daal (2-9, 4-19 overall), Paul Byrd (2-9, 6.51), Brantley (2-7, 5.86, 23 saves), Jason Boyd and his 6.55 ERA pitched in 30 gms. (swear to god, I've never even heard of that guy ... 30 games?) ... 2001 Phillies = Bowa (86-76), Omar Daal (8-1 start, 13-7 / 4.46), Joe Table (2.34, 42 saves) and Eddie Oropesa and his 30 gms. were a welcome relief over Jason Boyd, whom I never even heard of ...

Back to the Reds of '95 >> like the song asks, "Where have you gone, Eddie Taubensee?"
[[[ Better question: Why did the MLB Network's Barry Larkin -- previously mentioned -- fail to receive HOF enshrinement in his first year of eligibility last Jan.? Compared to ex-Red Joe Morgan, Barry Larkin was a better player (in terms of consistency for a greater period of time) ... in fact, aside from Joe Morgan's 6-year "superstar window" ('72 thru '77), he piled up a lot of Marlon Anderson-type years. And, he was a sub.-200 hitter in all of those postseason games (with Rose hitting ahead of him and Bench, Perez and Foster behind him? c'mon ... ) >> nobody's sayin' that Little Joe SHOULDN'T be in the HOF, but, since he made it on the first ballot, Barry Larkin HAS to go in on the first ballot (it figures: the mustard-stained shirts who vote, didn't put 2B Sandberg in 'til his THIRD year of eligibility -- and it'll be interesting to see how they screw with Jeff Kent ... ]]]

Y'see, it's SHIT such as that which makes The MLB unwatchable and unfollowable -- unpunished criminal action, i.e. Lasorda going into Cooperstown approx. 15 mins. (actually, it was 6 mos., but who's counting?) upon announcing his retirement (read: "MOB ties" ... seriously, how else do ya explain it?).

If only HOF voters had dialed it back to the previous decade when Irwin Fletcher punched the framed photo hanging in Chief Karlin's office >> [SMASH!] "I hate Tommy Lasorda!" >> then maybe BleedsDodgerBlue coulda waited his turn -- as Sparky did when he waited until his FULL five yrs. were up before the Veterans Committee selected "Captain Hook" back in 2000.

The Great Lasorda Panic of '96 was a farce, wasn't it? The MLB thought that Lasorda was gonna die, so a HOF enshrinement (which was so very borderline to begin with) was hustled into effect.
Do the math: Sparky retired the season before Lasorda, but WAS FORCED TO WAIT for induction 'til 3 yrs. after Lasorda.

Typical bullshit from the Clinton Administration ...

Talking Point #3: The modern era >> Dusty's squad w/ the young-stallion pitchers w/ goofy haircuts (Volquez, Cueto & Arroyo), the Cuban P defector who clocks 100 MPH consistently (Chapman), the cleancut sluggers ("Votto-matic!", Bruce and Stubbs) and The Ex-Phillie Which Philly Loves To Hate (Rolen).

Wait a sec ... are we 'sposed to believe that Mighty "Klu" would fit right in with the stars we've just mentioned?

Maybe ... but the thing that makes Cincy from being a truly likeable ballclub is Dusty's triple-wide wristies, the 'pick, the lizard tongue and all the damage he did to the Phils while wearing Dodger Blue in '77/'78 (it's still difficult to totally embrace Davey Lopes >> sorry, pal ... ).

Y'wanna know who didn't need triple-wide wristbands?

"Klu" ...

Of course, this is Cincy's first visit to Philly since that 4-game funfest just before The Break -- and the Reds just might be out for blood, considering how that July get-together turned out:

1) Schneider's walk-off HR in the btm of the 12th ...
2) Howard's 2-run walk-off HR in the btm of the 10th after Dobbsie's 3-run jack and Cody Ransom's 2-run poke ("yeah, I said 'Cody Ransom,' goddammit!") helped the Phils come back from 7-1 down against rookie Mike Leake entering the 9th ...
3) J-Role's walk-off single down the RF line in the btm of the 11th after Chooch led off the inning with a double >> and after Ruiz doubled to the very same LCF gap leading off the 9th after rookie Travis Wood (in his third MLB game) retired the first 24 Phillies ...
4) Cole Hamels' masterpiece on the Sunday goin' into the break ...

The sum of that series, it seems, is that the Phils (The New Red Machine) are snuffing out any memories of the Ol' Big Red Machine.

And, with the mighty 6-pack from the heart of the lineup for postseasons '07, '08, '09, maybe they can become the first team since Debs Garms' St. Louis Cards of '42, '43, '44 to win 3 consecutive N.L. pennants (even though Debs Garms didn't play in '42 ... 'cuz he was fightin' the Nazis in something called Double-U Double-U Two).

Let's lookit the big board (or the laminated stat card that some of us keep in our wallet):

Victorino 32 gm. (.277 > 33x119), 7 2B, 2 3B, 6 HR, 23 rbi
Howard . 32 gm. (.271 > 32x118), 9 2B, 1 3B, 7 HR, 27 rbi > 20 BB
Werth . . 31 gm. (.261 > 31x119), 8 2B, 2 3B, 7 HR, 17 rbi
Rollins . . 31 gm. (.231 > 31x134), 7 2B, 1 3B, 3 HR, 11 rbi
Ruiz . . . .32 gm. (.303 > 30 x 99 ), 7 2B, 1 3B, 3 HR, 13 rbi > 19 BB
Utley . . . 32 gm. (.252 > 29x115), 4 2B, 0 3B, 9 HR, 19 rbi > 27 BB

That's some robust production, not to mention a handsome balance (was it only 3 yrs. ago when the Fightin's went into the playoffs with a 5-tool CF (Rowand) and a RF platoon of Victorino & Werth one season after trading away the 30/30, 100-rbi, 100-BB, .300, Gold Glove RF Bobby Abreu because he didn't care ... or didn't play as if he cared ... or didn't care if anybody didn't care that he actually did care ...

Now, it's up to that sextet to deliver the goods during a postseason run which'll reinforce that MLB-best 97-65 record not to mention obliterating the memory of the Ghost of Debs Garms, The St. Louis Cardinal Nazi Killer.

Wow ... Victorino's next postseason hit will give him the team record.

Schmidt . 36 gm. (.236 > 33x140), 9 2B, 0 3B, 4 HR, 16 rbi
Maddox . 29 gm. (.271 > 29x107), 8 2B, 0 3B, 1 HR, 11 rbi
Bowa . . . 27 gm. (.262 > 27x103), 3 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 5 rbi
Rose . . . 25 gm. (.327 > 31 x 95 ), 3 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 6 rbi
Boone . . 24 gm. (.264 > 19 x 72 ), 2 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 7 rbi
Luzinski . 19 gm. (.269 > 18 x 67 ), 5 2B, 1 3B, 5 HR, 12 rbi

Seeing how these numbers don't stack up against the modern-era stars, we don't know if any of our heroes from yesteryear could hang with today's Dandy Dons, etc.
Probably ... if we apply rules of baseball relativity ...

I mean, in a Tom Emanski-imagined baseball skillz competition, is the Flyin' Hawaiian better than Garry Maddox? Could Victorino have played "back then"? Could Maddox play today?

Fightin' Phanatics are gonna find out.

Oddly enough, the last time that the Fightin's DID NOT sell out The Cit (before the current streak of 135 sellouts in a row -- or thereabouts) was that 22-1 win over the Reds in July of last season ... a blowout ignited by a 10-run 1st, highlighted by Victorino's 2-run HR, Dobbs' 2-run HR, Hamels' 3-run 2B, Rollins' RBI 2B and a 3-run HR by Utley ... not a great night for Johnny Cueto.

Or for infielder Paul Janish, who pitched the 8th and gave up 6 runs, capped by Werth's 3-run HR.

Janish pitched one inning of a blowout 2 mos. earlier vs. the Brew Crew and gave up 5 runs in that mop-up session (meaning that his ERA ballooned to only 49.50 from 45.00, which isn't all that bad, all things considered).

In the Phillies cosmos, however, that 22-1 rout might've signaled the dawning of Phillie Phanticism gone wild, seeing how that month last year ended with the beating death of that guy, David Sale, inside and outside of McFadden's (during the same game vs. St. Loo when Cards players were bothered by the green light of a laser pointer during that FOX Saturday game).

The fans carried the momentum of the beating death carried out by the drunken Fishtown 3 with such nefarious acts as the woman who was charged with soliciting sex for World Series tix, the vomitting guy, toddlers drinkin' beer, the dude who got Tasered, the guy who shoulda been Tasered the very next night for jumping onto the field while wearing capri pants, the guy in the red body suit a few weeks ago during the Atlanta series ...

As far as fans which are "most deserving," Phillie fans probably ain't it.

I mean, if Phillie Phan ever finds out that Whammy Douglas posed for a Topps card as a Redlegs pitcher while never actually ever pitching in a game for the Redlegs, Phillie Phan is probably gonna blame Scott Rolen and then fill water balloons with urine and throw 'em toward Rolen from The Cit's upper-deck seating.

Which is what ya'd expect, isn't it?

It's playoff time.

Gotta pick up their game ...

+ + +

Matt Garza Did What Again?

2010-07-26T19:06:00.008-11:00

They're sayin' that Matt Garza tossed a no-no tonight ... yet, for a lot of us, the only time we wanna hear Matt Garza's name is to complete the following sentence:

"Game 3 was tied, 1-1, in the bottom of the second until Carlos Ruiz untied it with a solo home run off of Matt Garza."

The only other time I wanna hear Matt Garza's name is when it's used to begin this sentence:

"Matt Garza's undoing occurred in the bottom of the sixth when he allowed back-to-back homers to Chase Utley and Ryan Howard to give the Phillies a 4-1 lead."

Or ... Matt Garza's name could be used here, I suppose:

"Matt Garza was let off the hook to receive a 'no decision' when first-base umpire Tom Hallion -- who was desperately and unprofessionally out of position -- ruled Carl Crawford safe at first after Howard smartly barehanded Jamie Moyer's diving shovel-toss BEFORE Crawford touched the base."

If none of those suit my fancy, I'll have no other choice but to use Matt Garza's name to complete this sentence:

"Matt Garza and the rest of his Tampa Bay teammates dejectedly exited the dugout moments after the Phillies' winning rally was furnished by Eric Bruntlett getting hit in the ass by a pitched ball before he stole second, continued to third on Dioner Navarro's throwing error and eventually scoring the winning run on a walk-off, 47-foot dribbler by Ruiz at 1:47 on probably the greatest Sunday morning in Phillies history ... a Sunday which was capped by Matt Garza (and me ... and the Mrs.) in the ballpark for the Game 4, 10-2 romp which capped the unquestioned greatest Sunday in Phillies history."

Matt Garza threw a no-hitter tonight?
Beee ... efff ... deee ... *
(* -- The acronym for Big Fuckin' Deal ... )

It matters not what Matt Garza THINKS he achieved tonight.
What matters is that Matt Garza was there when we needed him.

Just as Edwin Jackson was here (see above) when we needed somebody from the '08 Rays to groove a meaty pitch that Joe Blanton could crank for a laser-beam homer into the LCF seats beyond the flower bed during that unforgettable Game 4.

And, since his no-no against his former team one month ago (during this, "The Year of the Pitcher," wink wink, ha ha), Edwin Jackson has logged some quality mound time for the D-Backs:

A 1-3 record w/ a 6.85 ERA.

Let's all sing it together:

YEAR ... !
OF ... !
THE PITCHER ... !
(MY ASS!) ... !

+ + +

Dallas Braden Q&A (w/ "update!")

2010-05-09T17:54:00.020-11:00

Now that the dust has settled and the blood has finally dried, it seems as though the only logical way to handle recent events is to activate either the Q&A or the FAQ format and explore what's on our minds and in our hearts.

WHAT THE HELL IS A QUOTE-UNQUOTE "DALLAS BRADEN"?
He's the A's pitcher who made a name for himself (sort of earlier) a few weeks ago when he got all pissy 'cuz A-Rod ran across Dallas Braden's mound while returning to the Yankee dugout. And, apparently, something called Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game today.

WAS DALLAS BRADEN JUSTIFIED IN BEEFING WITH A-ROID?
Sure ... why not.

WAS IT PROPER OF A-ROID TO USE A "15 MINUTES OF FAME" TAG FOR DALLAS BRADEN?
Completely.

HOW CAN A PITCHER NAMED "DALLAS" LAST LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES?
Well, if he's this guy:

... he can do it by serving up not only the lone grand slam of Pete Rose's career but also by surrendering Jimmy Piersall's 100th career homer, which prompted the very unstable Jimmy P. to round the bases while running backwards.

DO YOU 'SPOSE THAT WHEN HE WAS PETE ROSE'S MANAGER IN PHILLY THAT DALLAS GREEN EVER MADE MENTION OF THAT HOMER TO PETEY?

Which one -- the grand slam or the Piersall homer? It's a good guess that Dallas Green wasn't grinning when that wack-job, Piersall, was running backwards ... a "crime" greater than A-Rod running across the mound.

JUDGING FROM THE FORM THAT HE DISPLAYED WHEN HE TOSSED OUT THE CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH BEFORE THE CLINCHING GAME 5 OF THE NLCS VS. L.A. LAST OCTOBER, IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT DALLAS GREEN'S SHAME HAS ABATED SOMEWHAT?

Maybe not. I mean, lookit the sweater he was wearing under that Phillies shirt. Honest to God, who put a gun to his head and made him wear that sweater?

COULD IT HAVE BEEN JIMMY PIERSALL?
Doubtful ... but, either way it's an overt fashion disaster ... because following that ceremonial pitch, he took off the Phillies shirt, thus, revealing a hodge-podge of red-and-black swirls and splotches.

EVEN MORE UNUSUAL THAN THAT CREEPY SWEATER IS THE FACT THAT WE'VE MANAGED TO TURN THIS "DID DALLAS BRADEN ACTUALLY THROW A PERFECT GAME?" Q&A INTO A TRIBUTE TO DALLAS GREEN.

Yeah ... pretty cool, ain't it? The beauty part is that we can seriously ratchet up this "Dallas Green Tribute" and make it a double-whammy of Dallas Green by including #24 of Robert Morris U. --> "Dallas Green." He dazzled us in the 52-50 win over Quinnipiac for the Northeast Conference tournament championship ... a game in which Quinnipiac had 16 baskets and 15 turnovers whilst Robert Morris went 7 of 17 from the line.

WHEN YOU SAY THAT DALLAS GREEN "DAZZLED" US IN THAT 52-50 WIN OVER QUINNIPIAC, CAN YOU DEFINE "DAZZLE"?
The numbers which I used speak for themselves.

IS IT FAIR TO COMPARE DALLAS GREEN1, THE BASEBALLER, TO DALLAS GREEN2, THE B/BALLER?
No. Because to do so would be to take time away from acknowledging/praising Dallas Drake.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT. THE DALLAS DRAKE SAGA WAS A GENUINE FEEL-GOOD STORY, WASN'T IT?
Sure was. The guy was one of the so-called "rising stars" for the Red Wings during those powerful years of the early-to-mid-'90s ... but then he was shipped out as Scotty Bowman built a powerhouse his way. So, "yes" ... seeing the young hotshot No. 33 come back and win the Cup as the reliable and hard-nosed No. 17 before announcing his retirement, "yes" ... that was very gratifying.

DIDN'T THE DALLAS DRAKE STORY HAVE THE FAIRY-TALE ENDING THAT WE HOPED WE'D READ ABOUT FOR DALLAS COMEGYS?

Sort of. Except this (see above) isn't Dallas Comegys which you've included here. It looks a lot more like that the DePaul player who we always though was a Dallas Comegys clone ... Tyrone Corbin.

TYRONE CORBIN AND DALLAS COMEGYS ARE "NOT" THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER?
Apparently not ... although Dallas Comegys, not Tyrone Corbin, did carve out a nice little career for himself playin' overseas.

IF DALLAS COMEGYS AND TYRONE CORBIN ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON/PLAYER, THEN HOW DO WE RANK DALLAS BRADEN VS. DALLAS BAKER?
That's difficult to say when we weigh the Steeler career stats for the 7th-round pick in the '07 draft.
One career reception for 6 yds. in '08.

ONE CATCH FOR 6 YARDS? TWO YEARS AGO? THAT LEAVES HIM WAYYYYYYYY BEHIND DALLAS CLARK IN CAREER RECEPTIONS, DOESN'T IT?

AND WHY THE HELL DOES DALLAS CLARK GET SPECIAL TREATMENT, i.e. WEARING HIS COLLEGE #44 INSTEAD OF THE NFL-MANDATED #80 THRU #89 FOR ALL TIGHT ENDS?
That's one helluva good point -- particularly since here (above, R) Hawkeye Dallas Clark is trying to avoid Wisconsin safety Jason Aiello, who is wearing the same style of white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey which I own.

If people don't already know it, a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey is ideal for Workplace Jersey Fridays during autumn.
Sometimes, I ponder the possibilities of Dallas Jessup in a white, Adidas #7 Badger jersey more than Dallas Clark in his Iowa #44 or his Indy #44.

DALLAS JESSUP? IS HE THE DUDE IN THIS PHOTO (^) WHO'S ABOUT TO RECEIVE A KNEE TO THE NUTS?
Dallas Jessup is the "she" in that photo ... and she's all business, according to her bio on the back of this recently-purchased, big-grab bag of Doritos.

It sez here that "the 16-year-old blonde from the state of Washington is a Tae Kwon Do black belt and an instructor in Filipino Street Fighting. After reading about a string of assaults in her area, she decided to use her skills to help teens defend themselves against attack. She created the free Just Yell Fire video," et cetera, et cetera ...

THAT MIGHT BE AN OLD BAG OF DORITOS BECAUSE THE INTRA-WEB SEZ THAT DALLAS JESSUP IS NOW AN 18-YEAR-OLD FRESHMAN AT VANDERBILT WHO'S A DEVOUT HUMAN-RIGHTS ACTIVIST. DOESN'T THAT SOUND A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A BASEBALL PITCHER WHO PROMOTES "THE 2-1-9"?
I guess so. But, that's the last time I trust a Big Grab of Doritos.

SEEMS AS THOUGH WE NEVER HEAR ENOUGH ABOUT "FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING." IS THAT SUPERIOR TO BRAZILIAN JIU-JITSU THAT WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT? AND, IF THEY EVER DO A Y2K RE-MAKE OF "STAGECOACH," WOULD IT NOT MAKE TOTAL SENSE TO CAST DALLAS JESSUP IN ANN-MARGRET'S ROLE AS THE DANCE-HALL GIRL NAMED "DALLAS"?
Well, for one thing ... the role of "Dallas" in the play/movie is not only dance-hall girl, but also a hooker. Dallas Jessup is not a hooker, according to Frito-Lay's Doritos wrapper ... she's a Filipino Street Fighter. If we re-make that movie with Dallas Jessup as Dallas, let's cast her as the street fighter who helps the townspeople kick the crap outta the Filipinos and the Brazilians.

IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT ANN-MARGRET -- BREATHTAKING THOUGH SHE MAY BE (AND SHALL ALWAYS REMAIN) -- COULD NEVER HAVE PULLED OFF ANY FILIPINO STREET FIGHTING SCENES IN "STAGECOACH"?
Right ... but that's not the point -- because the funny thing about the 1966 version of "Stagecoach" is that it also featured a young starlet named Stefanie Powers.

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACCORDING TO THE WORD ON THE STREET, ANN-MARGRET'S LAST NAME IS "OLSSON" AND STEFANIE POWERS' IS "FEDERKIEWICZ"?

It sure makes ya wonder if Stef's family pronounced it "Fedd-DURR-kuh-wicks" or if they went with "fedder-KAY-vitch." Although Polish names are cool as hell, there's something to be said about the simplicity of the Swedish names such as "Olsson."

YEAH, BUT NEITHER OF THOSE ACTRESSES HAD A COOL NAME SUCH AS "VIRGIL TRUCKS."

No, only Virgil Trucks had the name Virgil Trucks ... and there are two fun facts about Virgil Trucks: 1) His real name really is Virgil Trucks (unless Virge forgot to tell anybody that his last name was Americanized and abbreviated to "Trucks" from either "Truckiewicz" or "Truckosaurus") and 2) In 1952, Virgil Trucks pitched two no-hitters during a season in which he went 5-19.

That's frickin' brilliant ...

IS IT LEGAL TO "RANK" NO-HITTERS? AFTER ALL, DALLAS BRADEN'S WAS A PERFECT GAME ... ON MOTHER'S DAY ... AGAINST THE RED-HOT TAMPA RAYS.

Nostalgia aside, some of us will always rank Jim Bunning's perfecto on Father's Day, 1964 ahead of Braden's Mother's Day magnificence. And Rick Wise's no-no was special, too.

YEAH, BUT WISE'S GAME WASN'T A PERFECTO.

That's right. It was better than "perfection."

HOW SO?
Because it was heroic. And because Rick Wise won 19 games for the Flopsox in '75 then he got dicked in the postseason, so ... Dallas Braden can basically cram it.

SO, THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF HEROISM?
True dat. I mean, lookit that clown ... Jody Gerut. He went into the weekend batting .133 (4 for 30) then he busts loose on Saturday and hits for the cycle.

WHO THE HELL DOES JODY GERUT THINK HE IS?
Nobody's sure.

WHO DOES JODY GERUT PLAY FOR, ANYWAY?
Nobody can remember.

WHO DID HE HIT FOR THE CYCLE AGAINST?
Nobody cares.

IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE SCUTTLEBUTT THAT DALLAS BRADEN'S NO-NO WASN'T EVEN THE BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEKEND?
Exactly! That distinction is reserved for Jamie Moyer, the guy who wears his age (50) and the MPH of his fastball (50) on the back of his shirt. All he did was twirl a complete-game, 2-hit shutout with 0 walks vs. the Braves.

IS JAMIE MOYER A HALL OF FAMER?
Absolutely.

WILL HE EVER BE ENSHRINED?
Absolutely not.

WHY'S THAT?
Have you seen who votes on such matters? Fred MustardStainOnHisUnwashedPoloShirt. Honestly .... if Gammons or Kurkjian are such geniuses, watch 'em stutter when you explain that Gary Carter and Lance Parrish were essentially THE SAME PLAYER during their careers, alas ... only Carter is in the Hall.
It's the same deal with Bob Boone, who, over the course of AN ENTIRE CAREER, was better than Gary Carter.

EITHER WAY, MOYER DOIN' WHAT HE'S DOIN' AT AGE 47 IS FRICKIN' INSANE. WITH THAT 47 MPH FASTBALL, IT BASICALLY MEANS THAT HE HAS TO PITCH HIS ASS OFF TO EVERY BATTER. SO, WHADDYA 'SPOSE DALLAS BRADEN WILL BE DOING WHEN HE'S 47?
Same thing he'll be doing at 37 ... swing-shift floor manager at the finest topless bar in Stockton, errrr ... "the Two One Nine."
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ UPDATE: The subhead on this week's S.I. story (by Tom Verducci) re: Dallas Braden is a real lulu, a description of the pitcher which reads: "... a soft-throwing, off the radar lefty who lost his mother to cancer throwing the 19th perfect game in baseball history."

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE "EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES" SCENARIOS?
Naw. This seems more like a "I Had A Dream Last Night That I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas." None of us knew that Dallas Braden's mom died of cancer while pitching a perfect game. And who knew that an elephant could fit into my pajamas?
Sons of bitches ...

+ + +

The BIG BENigma

2010-04-23T15:21:00.009-11:00

Because Oklahoma Sooner star basketball player Carlee Roethlisberger's big bro is now a "pariah," Rodge The Commish will strongly recommend that all of us who have counterfeit ROTHLESBURGER 7 jerseys which we've been selling outta the trunk of our cars for the past three years destroy that merchandise either by bonfire or wood chipper.

'Cuz that's what a commish does.

He commishes.

And enforces.

Make no mistake: Rodge wants America to know that he's a pro-active crimebuster.

He's pre-emptive, too.

Which is why, when America is finished destroying all of its $275 authentic ROETHLISBERGER 7 jerseys, its counterfeit ROTHLISBURGER 7 jerseys and its ROETHLISBERGER 10 Oklahoma Sooner women's b/ball tank tops, there might be a market, after all is said and done, for a COLLIER 7 Steelers jersey -- in recognition of the fine work that Reggie Collier did as the Steelers' strike replacement backup QB (to the unforgettable Steve Bono) during the NFL players' strike of '87.

And, because he was a Steelers #7 who is NOT the recently super-unpopular Roethlisberger.

As it stands, the Steelers' Ben-igmatic QB is scheduled to miss anywhere from 4-6 games to open the season, which isn't as bad as it sounds considering that the Black N' Gold missed the playoffs last season with the Big Ben-igma available for 15 of 16 games.

Hence, now is not the time to re-hash those bitter defeats to the Browns and Raiders, not to mention two that'll-piss-ya-off-to-your-core games which got away vs. Cinshitnati.

Instead, we're acting all introspective because Rodge The Commish administered his commissioner-doing-his-commissioner-like-due-diligence suspension based not on crimes which Roethlisberger may or may not have actually committed against two women who actually may or may not be sluts or psychopaths (or both), but for the QB's allegedly besmirching of "the values" which the NFL shield stands for.

In the case of Rodge v. Roeth, Goodell played God and cited the QB's violation of the NFL's so-called personal conduct policy (in legalese, they call it something like "moral terpitude") and made it clear to America that Bad Ben has somehow established a pattern of behaviour for dickheadedness.

According to Rodge.

Roeth's mistake was that he maybe got himself entangled w/ psycho chicks and maybe matters got outta hand and maybe the ground can't cause a fumble, et cetera ...

Rodge, however, is guilty of violating The Eldrick Statute -- saying too much too often and offering nothing of much value other than deflection, a la Tiger.

The correct way to play it? "Brevity" ... and steer clear of the pulpit re: the NFL's "high values."

True, one of the NFL's trademarks is "giving back to the community" (thanks, United Way!), albeit we must remind ourselves from time to time exactly what the NFL seizes from the community.

In other words, just 'cuz players huddle together on one knee immediately after the game and ceremonially give thanks to God, Rodge needs to wake up and smell the cha-ching! of the cash-register drawer.

In a nutshell, the NFL's core values are:
1) Gambling, gambling and more gambling
2) Fantasy leagues
3) Teams exhibiting "high values" of competition by rolling over and playing dead in Weeks 16 and 17 so that they are well-rested for mediocre showings in the playoffs (that's you, Cinshitnati)
4) Carefully-packaged and skillfully-marketed booze and tits (TV ads, cheerleaders)
5) A 47-yard pass interference penalty in which a DB (Will Allen) barely brushes the arm of the WR (Braylon Edwards) on MNF
5) The unforgiveable sodomization of Gene Hickerson (the Cleveland Browns guard who was passed over for the Hall of Fame for 33 yrs. -- and then when he was enshrined in '08, Hickerson's mind was so ravaged by Alzheimer's that Gene could've been handed a coffee can filled with bolts as somebody said, "Here's your trophy, Mr. Hickerson" and, "yes" ... that's Gene Hickerson's blood on Goodell's hands (and don't gimme that "It's Tagliabue's fault") if he can't steer a committee of blockheads to vote responsibly ... and, now, Gene Hickerson is dead ... )

Given this list ... THAT'S who/what is passing judgement on Roethlisberger???

Makes about as much sense as seeking out Rae Carruth for his opinion on the matter because, after all, Rae Carruth himself didn't actually pull the trigger.

In acting all "hands-on," Rodge set forth a slippery slope which'll entertain us for years -- mostly while players tackle while leading with the crowns of their helmets to their opponents' earholes.

Another concussion? How'd THAT happen?

If Rodge were an educator and not merely an administrator, he'd be coachin' them boys how to exhibit better tackling techniques.

Alas ...

Clearly, Rodge v. Roeth is a thinly-veiled power play which'll melt like a Popsicle on a July-baked Chicago sidewalk once exposed to the untraviolet radiation of Rodge's uneven and arbitrary application of how the NFL can strive toward of better neighborhood populated by good citizens.

To the bastard children born out of wedlock to NFL players, however, Rodge's spanking of Roethlisberger is a victory for those bastard children whose moms who were banged by NFL players.

For some of us, though, Roethlisberger was/is/will-always-be a two-dimensional player who appears on our regular-def TV once a week, so there's no need to lose sleep over the fact that he might've been a prick with chicks who talk a good game (take it from somebody who spent 7 yrs. w/ somebody who had 50+ pairs of "FM" pumps >> the "FM," of course, was NOT an acronym for "fantastically marvelous," as we're all well-aware), but then get all pouty when the matter of dealing with a pierced labia isn't handled on their terms (ahhhh, yes ... reminders of co-existence in a co-ed dorm ... thanks for takin' me back, NFL, to the nights of gettin' good headache from Kimmy G. and/or Connie Rob ... ).

For those who are fervent in their battle cry of "She said no" and/or "No means no," it's prudent to always consider the other side of the coin.

The one where "no" means: "No, don't stop."

After all, it is conceivable that no matter the extent of Bad Ben's dickheadedness, his "indiscretions" might actually have been two cases of bad timing functioning in concert with two psychopathic sleazebuckets.

Rodge felt compelled to throw the flag and march off 4-6 games for "a pattern of behaviour" ... arbitrary rulings which fall beyond his jurisdiction because ["let's all sing it together"] he wasn't there.

Just as he wasn't there when Kimmy G was already shitfaced by the time I arrived at that off-campus party and, after shootin' me down for months, she was suddenly draped all over my action ... until she hosted a sobered-up Monday summit to review the E&O report, misremembering her errors and omissions, of course.

And, he wasn't there when, a few months after Drunk Kim's Drunken Night of Drunkeness, that girl from third floor -- the very tall "Connie Rob" (who was three stories tall and whom I barely knew) -- demonstrated, in no uncertain terms, that she was a selectively-aggressive, chick-on-dude tigress who knew how to completely disrupt a rare Friday-night study time by appearing outta nowhere and providing some uninitiated-by-me-but-not-refused-by-me, good-natured horniness.

And, let's not forget off-campus Kimberly Rose (Kim2 in this equation ... who was the complete opposite of Kimmy G.) and her formula for coralling unsuspecting-but-willing prey:

"Just show up."

(And possess male genitalia) ...

It's not unlike when George Costanza told the Japanese TV representatives in the "un-Karl Farbman-like" episode >> "You've been living in America too long." (gestures to the bag of oranges) "You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges."

All us guys have a Kimmy G. Tease, a ConnieEagerToPlease and a KR Sleaze in our past, yet Rodge is so drunk on his commisionerosity right now that he's forgotten that the puntang power struggle has many levels of under-development and over-development.

And, he's forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.

Sometimes, chicks forget that a postgame "no means no" is in direct conflict to a "green means 'go' " paradigm during the heat of battle.

If Goodell and his God Complex had "been there" to rule on the Kimmy G./Too Tall Connie "indiscretions" based on chick bias, agendas and misrepresentation, I'd've been suspended for anywhere from 5 to 15 games during the intramural season when it was those chicks initiating the direct action of violating my personal space.

So, "yeah" ... it WAS worth it to victimize Six-Three Conn-Nee in those games of Quarters.

She wasn't actin' like a "victim" after she was escorted back to her room (tah-dah!)

Sometimes, naughty chicks ruin a good guy's good reputation, only, right now, it doesn't seem as though Bad Ben has a CheckOutMyNewGirlfriendCynthia which he can wave in their faces.

Cyn had some wheels, everybody agreed ...

With his busy schedule, maybe Bad Ben doesn't have the means to find a leggy Cyn of his own -- and, to those who condemn a 28-year-old for mixin' it up w/ a 20-year-old, let's not forget what science has taught us:

At 28, men are 2 yrs. shy of their sexual potency.

At 20, chicks are 2 yrs. past their sexual potency.

Hey, that's nature talkin', not me >> the 30-year-old dude and 18-year-old chick never works on the levels of societal compatibility ... but, it's a sexual neutron bomb.

Which is why the 25-year-old guy and his 25-year-old wife usually run out of gas less than 2 yrs. into their marriage.

After that, they're playin' out the string ...

Oftentimes, with kids attached (yee haw!) ...

But, enough of every relationship outside my own marriage ...

What matters is that Bad Ben is falling far behind in the QB relations race, since he hasn't pulled a Tom Brady and produced a bastard son w/ the co-star of "I, Robot" ... and he hasn't pulled a Jeff Garcia and pulled a Playboy bunny out of his hat ... and he hasn't pulled a Kyle Boller and gotten himself engaged to a Miss California who has a smokin'-hot sex tape in circulation.

[Shhhhhhh! Nobody mention the time when Brady hosted 'SNL' and he starred in the workplace/sexual harassment skit highlighted by the QB unabashedly grabbing the left tit of the super-unfunny Amy Poehler -- an act which was permissable, given what the public-service production told us to do in order to avoid sexual-harassment issues: "A) Be handsome B) Be attractive C) Don't be unattractive" ... ]

[Shhhhhhh, part2! Nobody mention what happened to QB Steve McNair and how he got permanently Kazemi'ed on Rodge's watch. Rodge might've wanted to suspend Kazemi, if only she hadn't splattered McNair's brains all over the sofa before she splattered her own brains all over McNair ... "shhhhhh!" ... ]

In his defense, Rodge cannot determine his jurisdiction if nobody tells him what his jurisdiction is -- which is how a Goodell gets a God Complex.

Speaking of jurisDICKshin, Rodge cannot suspend NFL-affiliated Jimmy Johnson for appearing as a spokesperson for ExtenZe (the dick-lengthening secret which they apparently sell in capsule form) because the underlying theme in Jimmy's message is: "Remember, men ... ExtenZe will make your dick longer, but it's up to you, as a good citizen, to use that lengthened cock in an appropriately mature and responsible manner."

Interesting ... ExtenZe'll give a longer and presumably harder dick ... and while it'll turn ya into a man, it can't turn ya into a "gentle"man.

Fascinating ...

Since Rodge has a seeming selective sense of morality legislation, he might not budge on the Jimmy Johnson matter until the ex-coach kicks it up a notch and does an infommercial for a new book: "Jimmy Johnson's Championship Tips For Eating Pussy."

["Pssssst, Rodge ... the guy's peddling a dick lengthener, not a chocolately laxative ... "].

We've seen this shit before ... most recently when NY guv Eliot Spitzer went all Eliot Ness on hookers n' druggies n' such ... 'til he was outted as Client No. 9.

It does seem as though Rodge is puttin' atop his wish list a day when everyday women are no longer subjected to the evils of NFL QBs ... and we can all return to getting past what might've (or might not've) occurred in a bathroom in a Milledgeville bar and re-focusing on the women in our lives who wear jazzy makeup and glittery costumes which accentuate their tits and asses for our home team's cheer squad.

During the aftermath of RoethlisGate, the easiest thing to do was to act artificially PC and declare Roethlisberger to be the greatest asshole of the modern era. From hardcore-to-lukewarm Steeler fans, the all-too-common mantra 'round the neighborhood was the parrot-like squawk of "they-shoulda-gotten-ridda-him, awk!"

Make up your mind, weirdos-who-find-Steely-McBeam-a-suitable-mascot-name. When ya had good citizen/insurance salesman Tommy Maddox as the QB, ya got all pissy when he didn't win every game, 35-7.

THIS TRIBUNAL isn't here to defend Roethlisberger in order to justify the illegal sales of counterfeit Rothlesburger jerseys. No, we find it more sporting to shoot bazooka holes into what Rodge The Commish stands for ... particularly when he states that Bad Ben embarrassed himself, the Steelers and the NFL.

Really? Did Rodge mean "the National Football League" ... the place where upstanding fans who aren't drunk will picket games next season, parading outside stadiums w/ picket signs which read: "Protect Our Slutty & Shitfaced Daughters From Bad Ben"?

THAT National Football League?
The one with teaser bets and parlays?
"Y'know, I was gonna put 5 bills on the Panthers-Seahawks game, but that damn Roethlisberger made me so mad, I think I'll put this money into my son's college fund."

Thanks to Crimebuster Rodge, there are no NFL lineman who have access to top-notch masking agents to disguise rampant anabolic steroid and HGH usage ... because, dammit, cheaters existed in Pete Rozelle's NFL, not in RodgeTown.
Those 350-lb. linemen got that way via the bench press, the military press, squats and the Tower 200 by Body By Jake.

It's a cop-out ... a suspension based on what might be largely vague -- and then the justification of said suspension smothered in rich-chocolatey rhetoric.

Well, until Rodge patches the multitude of cracks in the NFL's foundation, he has about as much clout as Toby Flinderson or Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.

In the end, watchdog groups fail when nobody's watching the watchdog.

Gene Hickerson is proof of that.
Ditto for Hall-of-Famer-in-waiting, Dermontti Dawson ...

+ + +

The Rage of Eyjafjallajokull

2010-04-21T20:31:00.007-11:00

That's what makes nature so special:

At the time in our lives when we've finally remembered the spelling and pronunciation of the names of the wild scene unfolding within our immagination -- y'know, the one where QB Asoteletangafamosili Pogi fakes the handoff to Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala before floating a pass into the right flat to Tshmanga Biakabutuka as linebacker Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila closes in -- nature's raw power kicks in and Asoteletangafamosili Pogi, Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Tshmanga Biakabutuka and Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila have no choice but to yield.

Asoteletangafamosili Pogi ... was nowhere near
Eyjafjallajokull when she erupted (so he claims)

Nature ... it evolves and re-evolves and de-evolves and un-resolves -- but, through it all, no matter the full-scale fury and ferocity featured by the Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokull should've known that it was futile to tangle with my little ginger snap.

Eyjafjallajokull tried his/her/its best to knock Aso, CFM, Tim and KGB out of our minds, but his/her/its ash and lava were no match for my sugar plum.

When it appeared as though she might not return from her first trip to Europe sometime until Memorial Day, the kid worked her magic and got herself home from Paris.

Nature balanced itself out ... which is interesting, given that Asoteletangafamosili and Fuamatu-Ma'afala can trace their ancestry to the the islands not far from Krakatoa.

And, hundreds of years ago, the Biakabutuka and Gbaja-Biamila tribes of the dark continent prayed regularly to the mighty Kilamanjaro.

Eyjafjallajokull ... it cannot touch Krakatoa and Kilamanjaro.

And, Eyjafjallajokull cannot match Tuiasosopo! Manumaleuna! Onyenegecha! Loliki Bongo-Wango!

However, when "Katla" blows her top and makes Eyjafjallajokull look like a birthday candle on top of a birthday cupcake, well ... run for your lives, Asoteletangafamosili, Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Tuiasosopo, Manumaleuna, Biakabutuka, Gbaja-Biamila, Onyenegecha, Loliki Bongo-Wango ...

+ + +

Eve of Eldrick

2010-02-18T20:13:00.001-11:00

They say Eldrick's gonna make a speech tomorrow ... and that good seats are still unavailable, so don't bother calling Ticketron.

Hmmmm ... unless he's pulling a Joe Biden and re-delivering the Emancipation Proclamation (and calling them "his own words"), I'm gonna pass.

Which means that I, like a lotta people, won't be spending Friday afternoon lying on the bed, sprawled on the comforter which my grandma knitted me as the following words escape from my pen and spill onto the pgs. of the journal:
"DEAR DIARY ... Eldrick's powerful words moved me today ..."

Seriously, what does this have to do with Lindsey Vonn's fake shin injury?

And, if Eldrick fails to put Julie and Jolie atop his puntang-pounding Top 10, deal me out.

Dish some some inner-thigh dirt, Woody.

Which chick squealed like an Everglades reptile with its tail caught in a wringer?

And, say ... isn't it tragic how we can't use the old-school, curtains-match-carpet expression any more because every chick shaves/waxes that neighborhood nowadays?

Was there ever a misunderstanding with any of those skanks when you were maybe a little buzzed from the combination of that day's hGH cycle and the booze in front of you and you spied an uggo across the crowded club and you wearily leaned over to that hottie, pointed to the uggo and said, "I wouldn't fuck HER with Stevie's dick"???

(Sigh) ... America feels a little less like America when one of its proudest Americans won't field questions and create a greater understanding.

For the children ... mostly the 14-year-old girls out there who are manicuring their landing strips.

(Sigh) ... the terrorists win (again) and America is held hostage as Eldrick morphs from a silo of vanilla nothingness to cardboard-cutout cartoon character.

Unless he does his speaking in conversational Cantonese (or Mandarin) tomorrow, it doesn't look as though he'll do anything to break the tie he currently holds with Pat Knight as Most-Lifeless & Unoriginal Person Alive.

So, begging yer pardon ESPN, but this'll never be one of those cathartic moments in our lives.

Unless cathartic means, "I Don't Remember Where I Was And What I Was 'Sposed To Be Doing When I Remembered To Forget To Watch/Listen To/Care About The Team Tiger Oral Report."

(Punch Line #488 Which Has Magically Written Itself: "Oral? At least he didn't type 'anal' ..." )

b

BLIZZARDSAURUS REX vs. SNOWZILLA

2010-02-06T22:16:00.006-11:00

Did President Oprah actually chuckle and call it "snowmageddon"?

Who fed him that orchestrated quip, anyway?

It's nearly as lame as those who are calling it "the abominable snowstorm."

Look: If I wasn't so busy shoveling the 28-30 inches of snow outta my driveway (located outside this Honeycomb Hideout), I'd wipe those smiles off their smart-alecky faces by puttin' the business side of this shovel upside their smart-alecky heads.

Either way, here's the data (as compiled by the lab boys in Data Processing):

- - Approx. 21-22 inches during that Sat. Dec. 19 storm ...

- - Snow which remained virtually unmelted for one week -- 'til the day after Xmas when the thermometer hit 52 and a day's worth of rain completely cleared the white stuff ...

- - The last of the parking-lot iceburgs finally disappeared Mon. Jan. 25 ...

- - Five days later (Sat. Jan. 29), 4 inches fell ...

- - Four days after that (Weds. Feb. 3), 4 inches on top of the 0.36 inches which remained from four days earlier ...

- - And, the early returns from this Feb. 5-6 monster: Anywhere from 21 to 38 inches ...

Season total: 60-point-something ...

Record for one winter: 62 inches ...

Which will be surpassed Tues./Weds. when the next 8-27 inches hits the front step.

Interestingly, the local record high for Feb. 6 was 72 degrees set wayyyy back on 2/6/08.

No matter how ya slice it, these storms must be treated with respect. And, that's why we must call them by their proper names: "Blizzardsaurus Rex" and "Snowzilla."

Snowmageddon?

That's so amateur ... so juvenille ...

Damn sons of bitches ...

+ + +

Secrets To UT's Upset of #1 KU

2010-01-10T20:14:00.010-11:00

It doesn't matter what today's date is (unless your birthday happens to fall on this day, Jan. 10 ... and most of us forgot to buy you a present, anyway, so get over yourself already, okay?) because Tennessee didn't actually win this game today vs. Kansas -- the Vols won it on November 17th.

Likewise, Kansas didn't lose this game today -- they lost it on December 2nd.

Keys to the Vols' victory: In that 75-pt. victory over UNC-Asheville (124-49), people tend to forget that it was a threeeeee by Skylar McBeeeee which put the Vols up by 68 with 11:52 to play and that it was a 3-ball by Bobby Maze which put UT up by 70 (101-31) with 8:27 remaining.

And, although Renaldo Woolridge's 3-ball put the Vols up 80 (112-32) with 5:51 to play, he did miss a three 1:24 later which would've put the Vols up by 83 and, a little less than three minutes later, he missed another 3-ball when the Vols were up by 80.

It's official: Renaldo Woolridge is NOT the guy you want takin' the 3 when you're up by 80.

Nevertheless, those who truly love b/ball applaud the manner in which UT summoned up the courage to bust some treys when they were up anywhere from 68 to 80 points vs. UNC-Asheville two months ago.

That confidence paid off today -- and it just might be what "vaults the Vols!" to the top of the heap when they're cuttin' down the nets and CBS is cueing up "One Shining Moment."

Woolridge was 4 of 6 from downtown today, only, that's not what killed KU.

What worked against the Jaywalks was that 98-31 win over Alcorn State (0-9 at the time) five weeks ago.

Alcorn had that 4-0 lead before KU overreacted and went on a 36-0 run during an 11:58 span.

Sherron Collins demonstrated incredible heroism that day ... bustin' a trey seven seconds into a fresh shot clock to put KU up 77-28 -- and, then, a little more than a minute later, "blammo!" ... the kid was at it again, poppin' another 3-ball eight seconds into a fresh shot clock to put the Jays up by 54.

Sadly, Sherron Collins was only 2 of 10 on 3-balls today, meaning that either he's a very cocksure young man when he's bustin' treys against a winless opponent which commits 30 turnovers in a 67-point loss or, well, ummm ... maybe it just wasn't his day.

What's important is that coaches such as Bill Self and Bruce Pearl are such excellent teachers and molders of talent that, even when their teams are up by 49 or 54 or 68 or 80 points, their teams never quit competing and giving it their all.

Then again, some might argue that ballgames which explode into massacres of 49, 54, 68, 80, et cetera is the same as watching footage from WWII when German bulldozers pushed piles of naked-and-dead bodies into trenches after the gas chambers have been emptied.

Yup ... it's a holocaust -- and Pearl, more than anybody else, should acknowledge b/ball genocide.

Pro-Pearlists are likely to reason that the UT coach -- the Jewish guy who allows his no-talent Jewish son to wear the #22 which was worn by one of the ballin'est Hebrews of all-time (Ernie Grunfeld) -- perhaps remembers that footage from WWII ... and now he's going to make everybody pay ... a lot like that scene from "Unforgiven" when Clint iced that guy and Hackman barked, "You just shot an unarmed man!"

Clint (snarling, of course): "Well, he should've armed himself."

By triggering the compassionless slaughter of UNC-Asheville, Pearl was attempting to establish a "master race" (of no-talent hoopsters who'll make you puke when you watch 'em in ballgames wherein the final margin is not 49, 54, 68 or 80 pts).

Pitino tried this "master race" strategy last year when his Lousyville death squadron mercilessly launched 3's when the game was already outta hand against DePaul (which was 0-13 in Big East play at the time).

Lousyville was 18 of 36 "from distance" (most of those attempts were well after the game was in hand), alas ... Pitino (surprise!) did not use that momentum to capture his fourth consecutive NCAA championship.

Those slouches on the Disneyland B/Ball Channel (Knight, Vitale, Digger) won't admonish coaches who are gutless and produce gutless teams, so, let's hear it for blowouts where the kids "never stop competing."

Then again, if UT-Knoxville wished to sodomize UNC-Asheville with a rusty pipe, then shouldn't the Vols have spent the second half shootin' nuthin' but halfcourt shots?

In case it matters, America, Bruce Pearl is a shitty coach, but, moreover, he's unimaginatively lousy.

But, wait! There's more!

Little Stevie Pearl missed both FTs today ... the first time he's missed from the foul line this season.

On the other hand, those were his first attempts of the season and he's now 3 of 10 in his career.

Kid's gotta polish his game before March Madness so as to avoid rocky times 'round Rocky Top ...

+ + +

"310 From Contention"

2010-01-06T20:07:00.009-11:00

THAT WAS ALWAYS THE SOURCE OF CONFLICT any time the conversation turned to the movie (or, if you prefer, "motion picture") "3:10 To Yuma."

The title.

As we all remember, it was in Contention, Arizona where Daniel Evans fought impossible odds to get Ben Wade on that train ... a train scheduled to depart the station at 10-past-3 p.m., w/ the destination: Yuma.

But, then Ben Wade's chief lieutenant, Charlie Prince, gunned down poor Daniel ... before Ben Wade gunned down Charlie and the rest of his own gang.

After all, Ben Wade had twice busted outta that Yuma jail.

It's these thoughts of "3:10 From Contention" -- be it the original 1957 version with Glenn Ford and Van Heflin -- or the remake 50 yrs. later (with Russell Crowe and Christian Bale -- and a damn quality sinister element from Ben Foster as Charlie Prince ... although Richard Jaeckel in that role in the originial, never mind) ... these are the thoughts which can swirl inside a man's head as he's brushinwyou're brushin' your teeth and you look in the mirror and then you do a double-take because suddenly it hits you:

"When the hell did I turn into Rosie O'Donnell?"

Although it used to be that you weren't all that offended when somebody remarked that my taste in women and Rosie's was approximately the same, it doesn't ease the fright which has gripped my heart once I realized that ugly and obese and less softball talent than she is a lonely way to die.

It hit home a few days ago ... when I stepped on the allegedly-accurately-calibrated scale at Dr. Gibbons office.

What a grim milestone it was: "3-bills."
Actually, 3-bills-plus.

311, to be exact.

It used to be the goal of thousands of slo-pitch softball fatsos everywhere ... for those who believed that America remains strongest when the softball fields are occupied (with a runner at second at one out) -- "to have three numbers sync up nicely: playing weight, batting average, ERA."

The accepted-yet-unofficial Magic Number was once 425 ... as in 425 lbs. ... .425 BA ... 4.25 ERA., alas ... that "golden plateau" loses its luster with the convergence of three factors: multi-grains, zero grams of trans fat and my own retirement a few seasons ago.

Such a trifecta was a little like the phenomenon which occures in nature wherein Jamie Moyer wears his age and the speed-in-MPH of his fastball on the back of his Phillies shirt.

"50."

Once a Steelers fan eclipses 3-bills, he begins to wonder what's next on the horizon.

Willie Colon's 315?
Trai Essex's 324?
Chris Kemoeatu's 344?

Technically, none of those guys is morbidly obese ... mostly because a Super Bowl ring negates obesity.

Yet, when you're 300 and blobby and O'Donnellish, it's difficult to remember the days when you were 250 and legging out a triple during the softball wars of yore.
Or when you were 275 and legging out a triple ... and wishin' that somebody knocks ya in from third right quick so that you can grab a Pall Mall before it's time to take the field for the top of the 5th.

"3oo" was a lot more fun when it was Homer who was striving to achieve that milestone so that he could work at home and disdaining the exercise program led by Mr. Burns ("push out the jive ... bring in the love ...").

HOMER (reading the computer screen): "Do you want to vent the core?" (answering out loud before typing) "N ... O ..." (reading the computer screen) "Are you sure? Venting helps to prevent ex-ploh-zhee-yunn?"

That's a frickn', all-time classic -- highlighted by his msg. to Marge upon discovering that he needed to type only "Y" rather than "y-e-s" to the computer:

"Hey, Miss Doesn'tFindMeSexuallyAttractiveAnymore ... I just tripled my productivity!"

Looks as though I've gotta do the same.

Or I'll never be able to delight the fans with another triple ...

+ + +

STEELERS: 37-36 Splashdown Into The Sea of 7-7s

2009-12-20T04:32:00.018-11:00

... and what a crash-landing it was for the Black N' Gold ... cannonballing into the Seven Seas of seven teams with W-L records of seven-up, seven-down once Number Seven rifled that pass to the left side of the end zone -- a few yards beyond the goal-line pylon -- to the waiting arms of Number Seventeen. ////// Fascinating in the sense that the Packers' #26 (the name isn't important, really) was providing quality coverage ... yet, Mike Wallace cradled the pelota and kept his toes inbounds as the scoreboard clock read "0:00." /////// Is THAT what the NFL means by its "Play 60" campaign? /////// Anyway, in several TV markets around the nation, we didn't get much more than GB's final TD + 2-pt.er before the historic march to glory (highlighted by the 4th-down completion to Holmes across the middle and the 3rd-and-long completion to Heath on a deep-out) ... all of which snapped the Steeler's 5-gm. skid. ///// It's probably a good thing that it worked out that way, too, because if some of us had witnessed Tomlin's decision to onside-kick-it following the FG which provided a 30-28 lead ... jiminy christmas, Mike! whattheflockyoudoin'?! ... ///// But, our cosmos is a crazy wonderland ... i.e., after winning the first 11-10 game in NFL history, the Steelers end up on the smiley-face side --> :) <-- of the first 37-36 game in NFL history. //// // //// // What are the odds of that? //// Probably as great as the odds of a black receiver named Mike Wallace playin' for an NFL organization which once had a white LB named Ed Bradley at the same time that CBS had a black guy named Ed Bradley on its "60 Minutes" news program. ///// Still, 37-36 makes y'wonder how many 33-32 games we've had in NFL history (best guess: None ... maybe one ... it'd be fun if it was yer job to research it ... that is, as long as that job had a 401k and a dental plan, y'know?). ////// Either way, the historic 37-36 outcome gave us some long-lasting images ... such as No. 24 (CB Jarrett Bush) gettin' beat for some big gainers (first, by Wallace for the 60-yd. TD on the Steelers' first play from scrimmage ... then by Ward on that 54-yd. completion in which Roethlisberger scrambled, bought time and then let fly with a pass which looked as though he was either throwing a javelin or launching a halfcourt shot at the buzzer). //////// Big Ben very much shredded the Packer secondary (a Steeler record 503 yds. ... see ya 'round, Tommy Maddox!) -- and it is amusing in the sense that Bush wears #24 and the other CB, Josh Bell, wears #26 ... hmmmmm, didn't Packer Hall of Famers Willie Wood and Herb Adderly wear #24 and #26? (that's a rhetorical question ... of course they did). /////// And, for all of us who noticed that Aaron Rodgers wears Lynn Dickey's ol' No. 12, we get a gold star (although we can't remember if the #25 which Ryan Grant wears previously belonged to Harlan Huckleby or Eddie Lee Ivery). /////////// Good thing we're never going to see anyone wearing Nitzschke's #66 and, say, where the heck did KGB (Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila) disappear to? Wouldn't tonight have been a perfect time to see KGB tangle with CFM? go? ////// We miss that guy. ////// We're hearin' a lot how A.J. ree eww ee rrr In this, the game which pitted 2 of the 3 guys from the NFL's "Play 60" TV spots (Hawk n' Hines ... Antonio Gates is the other) eee ewwww eee w aerial circuseii ierieii rri www rere //// //// //// // Looks handsome next to thoseee Beaten the Vikes (11-3), Chargers (11-3), Titans (7-7), Only 4 of the AFC's 16 teams have losing records (Browns 3-11, K.C. 3-11, Raiders 5-9, Bills 5-9) -- and the Curtain has lost to three of 'em. ///// Don't forget that stupid loss in Soldier Field. ////// <<< <<<< <<<>> Balt. would be 3-3). /////

2009
W 38-28 S.D.
W 37-36 G.B.

2008
W 38-7 Texans
W 38-10 @ Cincy
W 33-10 @ N.E.
L 14-31 @ Tenn.
W 31-0 Cleve.
*** W 35-24 S.D.

2007
W 34-7 @ Cleve.
W 37-16 S.F.
L 28-31 @ Denv.
W 38-7 Balt.
W 31-28 Cleve.
L 13-34 @ N.E.
W 41-24 @ St.L
*** L 29-31 Jax.

Going into today's game, Mike Tomlin was 11-0 when the Steelers had scored at least 30 points (but, 0-4 when allowing 30+ pts.).
That's thehhe hhwhwhw In his two-plus seasons, Mike Tomlin's teams have scored
53 times Cowher teams scored at least 30 pts. in a game. The W-L record in those games was 47-5-1.
36 times in his 15 yrs., an opponent scored 30+ pts. >>>> Steelers record was 7-28-1 in those ... 22 of those were by double-digits

More surprisingly, in those 53 games in which Cowhersdddssd only 9 times was the game decided by 7 pts. or fewer (and four of those occurred during the '02 season, most-notably, the 34-31 win over the Ravens to end the regular season, the 36-33 comeback win over the Browns amid the snow flurries and then the 34-31, OT loss to the Titans on the FG by Joe Nedney).
Tomlin's "now" 12-0 record when the Steelers score 30 includes 10 W's by 10 pts. or more (including the 38-28 win over the Chargers the first Sunday in Oct.).
Until we crunched the numbers for ourselves, we had no idea that the disparity was so great.
35-31 or 31-24 are serious anamolies.
The norm is more like 31-14.
Or 34-20.
Or 35-17.
Or 33-10.
Or 31-7.
Or 38-21.
Or (my personal fave): 32-0.

2006
W 45-7 KC
L 38-41 (OT) @ Atl.
L 20-31 Denv.
W 38-31 N.O.
W 37-3 @ Caro.
L 7-31 Balt.

2005
W 34-7 Tenn.
W 34-21 Cleve.
L 31-38 Cincy
W 35-21 Det.
***W 31-17 @ Cincy
***W 34-17 @ Denv.

2004
L 13-30 @ Balt.
W 34-23 Cleve.
W 34-20 N.E.
W 33-30 @ NYG
*** L 27-41 @ N.E.

2003
W 34-15 Balt.
L 20-41 @ K.C.
L 13-30 @ Tenn.
L 13-33 Cleve.
L 21-33 St.L
L 14-30 @ S.F.
W 40-24 S.D.

2002
L 14-30 @ N.E.
L 17-30 Oak.
L 29-32 @ N.O.
W 34-7 @ Cincy
W 31-18 @ Balt.
T 34-34 (OT) Atl.
L 23-31 @ Tenn.
W 30-14 Caro.
W 34-31 Balt.
***W 36-33 Cleve.
L 31-34 (OT) @ Tenn.

2001
W 34-7 Tenn.
W 34-24 @ Tenn.
W 47-14 Det.

2000
L 24-34 Jax
W 48-28 @ Cincy
L 10-30 @ NYG
W 34-21 @ S.D.

1999 //// W 43-0 @ Cleve. ... L 24-31 Balt. ... L 19-35 @ K.C. ... W 30-20 Caro. ... L 27-36 Tenn. ///// 1998 ///// L 31-41 Tenn. ... W 30-15 Jax. ... /////// 1997 ///// L 7-37 Dall. ... L 21-30 @ Jax. ... W 37-24 Tenn. ... W 42-34 @ Balt. ... W 37-0 Balt. ... W 35-24 Denv. ////// 1996 ///// W 31-17 Balt. ... W 30-16 Hou. ... W 42-6 St.L ... L 24-34 @ Cincy ... L 17-31 @ Balt. [ W 42-14 Indy] ///// 1995 ///// W 34-17 @ Hou. ... L 24-44 Minn. ... W 31-16 S.D. ... W 37-34 (OT) @ Chi. ... W 49-31 @ Cincy ... W 41-27 N.E. ... [ W 40-21 Buff. ] ///// 1994 ///// W 31-21 Indy ... L 13-30 @ Sea. ... W 30-14 Hou. ... W 38-15 @ Cincy ... L 34-37 @ S.D. //// 1993 ////// W 34-7 Cincy ... W 45-17 @ Atl. ... W 37-14 N.O. ... L 13-37 @ Denv. ///// 1992 ///// W 30-14 Indy ... L 6-30 @ Chi. /////

Noll 29-3 when scoring 30 //// 48-2-1 >>>> 77-5-1 //// when he was missing the playoffs in 6 of his final 7 seasons,

In those final seasons, Noll was 1-22 in games in which the Steelers surrendered 30+ pts. ... 17 of those losses were by double-digits ... 11 were by 20 pts. or more ...

Noll in '72 thru '80 went 44-0-1 when they scored 30 pts. (28 of those wins were by 20+ pts.) -- until a 45-34 loss to the Raiders on MNF on Oct. 20...
Steelers were 2-8-1 when allowing 30 in '72 thru '79 -- and those two wins were both vs. the Browns during the Super Bowl XIV season ... 51-35 in Cleveland (when Rocky blasted off for that DDDDyd. TD ... on a sloppy day in Municipal Stadium when Sipe was neutralized and Dino Hall was contained ...) and that 33-30 OT eeiwnnee game in 3 Rivers ...
1991
L 34-52 @ Buff.
W 33-27 @ Cincy
L 14-41 Wash.
L 6-31 @ Hou.
1990
W 36-14 S.D.
W 34-17 @ Denv.
W 41-10 L.A. Rams
W 35-0 Cleve.
L 14-34 @ Hou.
1989
L 0-51 Cleve.
L 10-41 @ Cincy
L 7-34 @ Denv.
W 34-14 Mia.
W 31-22 @ Tampa
1988
L 29-30 @ Wash.
L 28-36 @ Buff.
L 14-31 @ Phoe.
L 14-34 Hou.
W 39-21 Denv.
L 7-42 @ Cincy
W 37-34 @ Hou.
W 40-24 Mia.
1987
W 30-17 S.F.
L 21-31 @ L.A. Rams (rplcmnt tm.)
L 24-35 @ Mia.
W 30-16 @ Cincy
1986
L 0-30 @ Sea.
L 7-31 @ Minn.
L 0-34 N.E.
W 30-9 Cincy
L 31-37 (OT) @ Cleve.
W 45-24 @ NYJ
1985
W 45-3 Indy
L 24-37 Cincy
W 36-28 @ K.C.
W 30-7 @ Hou.
L 23-30 Wash.
L 23-31 Denv.
L 44-54 @ S.D.
W 30-24 Buff.
1984 ////// L 27-37 K.C. ... W 38-17 Cincy ... L 7-31 Mia. ... W 35-10 Atl. ... W 35-7 Hou. ... W 52-24 S.D. ... [ L 28-45 @ Mia. ] /////// 1983 ///// W 40-28 @ Hou. ... W 44-17 Cleve. ... L 3-45 @ Det. ... W 34-7 @ NYJ ... L 17-30 @ Cleve. ... [ L 10-38 @ L.A. Raiders ] //////// 1982 ///// W 36-28 @ Dall. ... W 35-14 K.C. ... W 37-14 N.E. ... W 37-21 Cleve. ... [ L 28-31 S.D. ] >>>> (4-0 when scoring 30; 0-1 when allow 30) ///// 1981 ////// L 33-37 K.C. ... L 10-30 @ Mia. ... W 38-10 NYJ ... L 7-34 @ Cincy ... W 34-20 @ Atl. ... W 32-10 @ Cleve. ... L 27-30 @ Oak. >>>> (3-1 when scoring 30; 0-4 when allow. 30) //////// 1980 ///// W 31-17 Hou. ... L 28-30 @ Cincy ... W 38-3 Chi. ... L 34-45 Oak. >>>> (3-1 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allow. 30) /////// 1979 ///// W 38-7 Hou. ... W 51-35 @ Cleve. ... W 42-7 Denv. ... W 38-7 Wash. ... W 30-3 @ K.C. ... L 7-35 @ S.D. ... W 33-30 (OT) Cleve. ... W 37-17 @ Cincy ... [ W 34-14 Mia. ... W 31-19 vs. L.A. Rams ] >>>> (9-0 when scoring 30; 2-1 when opp. scored 30) ////// 1978 ///// W 31-7 Atl. ... W 34-14 @ Cleve. ... W 35-13 Balt. ... [ W 33-10 Denv. ... W 34-5 Hou. ... W 35-31 vs. Dall. ] >>>> (6-0 when scoring 30; opp. never hit 30) ////// ... 1977 ////// L 21-31 @ Balt. ... W 35-21 Cleve. ... W 30-20 Sea. ... [ L 21-34 Denv. ] >>>> (2-0 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allowing 30) ///// 1976 ///// L 28-31 @ Oak. ... W 31-14 Cleve. ... L 27-30 N.E. ... W 45-0 @ K.C. ... W 32-16 Hou. ... W 42-0 T.B. ... [ W 40-14 @ Balt.] >>>> (5-0 when scoring 30; 0-2 when allowing 30) ///// 1975 ///// W 37-0 @ S.D. ... L 21-30 Buff. ... W 42-6 @ Cleve. ... W 34-3 Chi. ... W 30-24 @ Cincy ... W 32-9 @ Hou. ... W 31-17 Cleve. ... W 35-14 Cincy >>>> (7-0 when scoring 30; 0-1 when allowing 30) ////// 1974 ////// W 30-0 Balt. ... T 35-35 (OT) @ Denv. ... W 34-24 @ K.C. ... [ W 32-14 Buff. ] >>>> (3-0-1 when they scored 30; 0-0-1 when allowing 30) ///////// 1973 ///// W 33-6 Cleve. ... W 35-7 @ Hou. ... W 38-21 S.D. ... L 26-30 @ Mia. ... W 33-7 Hou. ... W 37-14 @ S.F. ... [ L 14-33 @ Oak] >>>> (5-0 when they scored 30; 0-2 when they allowed 30) /////// 1972 ////// W 34-28 Oak. ... W 33-3 N.E. ... W 38-21 @ Buff. ... W 40-17 Cincy ... W 30-0 Cleve. >>>> (5-0 when they scored 30; opp. didn't score 30) ////////

Now Pitching For #34 Cliff Lee, It's #34 Roy Halladay

2009-12-17T18:27:00.010-11:00

Now that the dust has settled following The Big Swap which has landed Roy Halladay in Philly, it's important to ask the necessary questions.

Atop that list is this:
"What is every Phillie pitcher's fascination with uniform #34?"

Is every pitcher who arrives in Philly overtly superstitious -- or is that red, pinstriped shirt w/ the red "34" on the back actually THE SAME SHIRT which has been passed from Ben Rivera to Keith Millwood to Gavin Floyd to Freddy Garcia to Cliff Lee and now to Halladay?

Ever since The Sarge left it behind, pitchers have been using #34 as a hand-me-down, the weirdness factor reaching its weirdness apex when #34 Floyd was traded for Garcia, who took #34 before Lee -- who'd worn #31 w/ the Tribe when he was winning the '08 Cy Young -- arrived and discovered that Rodrigo Lopez (who'd been with the Phils for approx. one month) was wearing #31.

Then, #34 Lee was traded and, since #34 was available ("hey! imagine that!"), Halladay took it.

Sure, we understand ... the number that Halladay wore for all those years in Tronno (32) is off limits in Fluffya, thanks to Lefty ... and #33 is off limits because it is jinxed by the Ghost of Wayne Twitchell and the Curse of Chad Ogea ... and Robin Roberts'll be #36 forever and ever and ever, but, seriously, fellas ... FOR THOSE OF US who care not to delve too deeply into contract negotiations and the numbers therein, uniform numbers are which concern us most.

And, quite frankly, some of the particulars of this Philly-Seattle-Toronto merry-go-round are confusing.

This much is clear: From what we can tell, this was not, by definition, a 3-way trade involving our beloved two-time defending National League champion Philadelphia Phillies. It's 2 unrelated trades ... acquiring Halladay in one deal; swapping Cliff Lee in another. There's nuthin' 3-way about it 'cuz we haven't seen a Seattle-Toronto connection.

Say it loud, say it proud: "There is no Seattle-Toronto connector!"

Are we wrong -- or should we allow Ruben Amaro and his biology degree from Stanford to explain it?

What we know: The Phillies reeled in Halladay from the Jays in exchange for minor leaguers, P Kyle Drabek, OF Michael Taylor and C Travid D'Arnaud -- and Lee was dealt to the M's for P Phillippe Aumont, P Juan Ramirez and OF Tyson Gillies.

See? No Toronto-Seattle connector!

Example: When BETHany (almost her real name) stops by "to be satisfactorily pleasured" on a Tues. nite and then goes home sometime 'round 3 a.m. ... and then when, at 7 a.m., Sherilyn (nearly her real identity) stops by on her way to work for some "servicing" before her Weds. workday begins, the events of that 9-hr. window DO NOT constitute a 3-way.

A menage-a-3-way would require a BETHany-Sherilyn connector.

Without it, it's merely two separate acts of fornicayyy-HOLY CRAP! That's right: Lee's out, Halladay's in, okay, umm ...

For the record: "Phillippe The Phillie" and "Gillies of the Phillies" are fascinating nicknames, although not as great as the days when Dave Philley was a Phillie (what are the odds?).

It doesn't hurt to ask, though: Why can't the Phils have their cake and Cliff Lee, too? (i.e., BETHany every Tues. nite/Sherilyn every Weds. a.m.)

The story we've already heard is that Biology Major GM couldn't swing a deal for Halladay last July (before the trade deadline) because nobody could decide which Phillie prospects would be turned into human sacrifices ... to die in Canada playin' before a half-filled Rogers Centre (what the natives once called "SkyDome").

So, rather than lose prized minor leaguers Drabek and Taylor, the Phils spent the Db4D ("day before deadline") packaging Carlos Carrasco, Jason David, Jason Knapp and Lou Marson in exchange for Lee and Ben Francisco.

At the time, it appeared to be a trade which benefitted both ballclubs -- however, "at the time," some of us fancied a greater opportunity (i.e., landing Cliff Lee AND -- boldfaced and underlined -- Roy Halladay) ... an opportunity which was squandered simply because BMGM (Biology Major General Manager) failed to think outside the box.

It was there for the taking, but we can be 97.48% certain that BMGM never uttered the words to the Toronto GM, "Well, Mr. Ricciardi ... howzabout Hamels for Halladay, straight up? And, because you have an honest face, I'll even throw in catcher Tuffy Gosewisch."

The ink on that deal woulda been drying 15 minutes after it was first proposed ... but, re-positioning toy soldiers on a miniature battlefield is more prolific in some people's minds ... and puffing out one's chest and bellowing, "You will not have Kyle Drabek!" makes some guys sound tougher.

The story we're going to hear is how Halladay and Lee together would not have been a viable option because both will need re-signing following the '10 season, blah blah blah, ya can't afford 'em both, blah blah blah ...

Okay ... so, deal with it AFTER THE SEASON.

After the second parade down Broad Street within a 3-yr. span ...

While some of us Phillie Phans detest discussions pertaining to the specifics of $$$ and $$$, we're common-sense-friendly enough to realize that renegotiating Hamels contract after his next five seasons of 13-11, 12-10, 11-11, 12-11, 11-13 is a real yawner.

And, we wish he was Toronto's problem for the next half-decade.

Newsflash: Cole Hamels probably doesn't have much left in the tank, so let's not pretend that he's going to pile up several seasons of 17-8 or 18-9.

The '08 postseason ended, like, umm, more than a year ago.

The scenario we're not gonna see at the end of the '10 season is $$$ which was previously tied up in Hamels, Martinez and Moyer (and you, too, Brett Myers -- 'cuz all four of ya would be "outta here!" as Harry liked to say) is now available to re-sign Halladay and Lee.

For a few moments today, Phillie Phan envisioned an Opening Day rotation of 1) Halladay 2) Lee 3) Blanton 4) Happ and [wait ... is there a No. 5 guy available? Are Moyer and Martinez part of the 2K10 Paradigm? >> Is Hamels the new closer? "Think about it" ... ]

It'll probably now end up as Halladay-Hamels-Martinez-Blanton-Moyer (unless Halladay gets injured during spring training and -- [trumpets blaring] -- Brett Myers is asked to start on Opening Day for the FOURTH year in a row.

It's too confusing to sort out the pitching staff at this point.

So, the next best thing is to keep our fingers crossed.

Seriously, "The Previous #34 Required During An Off-Season" (Garcia) seemed like a steal, given his credentials w/ the M's and w/ the Chisox. That guy was a consistent 14-17-game winner w/ acceptable ERA >> good gravy, that guy was The Second Coming of Joe Cowley, I shit you not, Mister ...

1-5 / 5.90 as a Phillie.

Well, this time, it'll be different because Halladay is a horse whose actually first name is "Harry."

In the annals of trades 'tween Fluffya and Tronno, there's no way it can ever match the train wreck from yesteryear: "Rob Ducey for Rob Ducey."

You remember: The final/fateful days of the Francona Era (2000) ... Ducey, batting .189 at the time, was shipped to Tronno for a player to be named later.

Five days later, the J's sent P John Sneed to complete the deal.

Five days after that, the Phils traded fan-fave Mickey Morandini -- in his second stint with the Phils after spending 2 yrs. with the Cubs (as part of the Doug Glanville trade) -- to the J's for a player to be named later.

Two days later, the J's named that player -- and it was Rob Ducey (2 for 15 -- .154 -- during his 5 gms. in Tor.) who was sent back to the Phils to complete the Morandini deal.

[Presto!]

Rob Ducey was successfully traded for Rob Ducey.

What else didja expect from the Francona Era?

This time, it'll be different.

#34 is here to stay.

Unless there's another #34 out there who wants to come to Fluffya to wear #34 ...

+ + +

S.I. Calls It "THE SADNESS"

2009-12-11T22:23:00.011-11:00

... at least, that's what was splashed across the front cover of this week's issue of a popular-but-probably-not-very-influential periodical which we know as SPORTS ILLUSTRATED.

Above the cover-photo of 'Bama TE Colin Peek makin' the over-the-shoulder TD grab vs. Fla. is the magazine's name ... but ABOVE those words is the postage-stamp-sized photo of Eldrick positioned to the left of the banner headline: THE SADNESS.

[Tiny print: " -- by Phil Taylor, pg. 48 ... ]

Compounded with today's announcement that Eldrick will be taking a leave of absence from golf -- to, apparently, get his shit together -- what you have is grounds for black armbands and flags flown at half-staff.

That means "NOW," America ...
Oh, and while you're at it, rent a bagpipe ensemble to fire up "Amazing Grace," okay?

Forget that shit ... some of us are choosing Option "C)" >>> "take yer name off yer phone (name off yer phone ... ) / my wife went through my phone and she may be calling you (name off yer phone ... )

Why THE SADNESS, USSI (United States of S.I.)? We've had two weeks of hardcore hysteria and unmitigated silliness ... so why so gloomy, Gus?

If we don't take this Schadenfreude to the limit, then we're merely settin' ourselves up for Stage 2 in S.I.'s "process."

First ... the "sadness" ...
Then ... THE SORROW!

As one might expect, one of the pallbearers at the Death of The PGA was Rick Reilly, who used his higher-visibility platform known as the Disneyland Sports Pinwheel ('cuz he left S.I., uh-member?) to inform America that "the tour" simply won't be the same w/o Woody ... as if this latest development is some sort of Bad Day At Black Rock paradigm.

"Where were you, America, the exact moment that Eldrick used a tiny golf pencil to stab this nation right thru the heart?"

Notwithstanding the usual emptiness of Reilly's emptyheadness, it makes ya wonder: If the implication here is that one performer -- no matter his skill-level or the scope of his popularity -- has sunk the PGA Tour's relevance sans Tiger to a subterranean level of either billiards, motocross, Olympic biathlon and various equestrian events, well, maybe the sport isn't much of frickin' sport to begin with, eh?

Without Woody winning our hearts and taking our breath away with each swing of the club, sports such as bullriding and speed skating on Versus will outdraw the Greater (YourCity'sNameHere) Open or the Nabisco 14-Club Challenge.

That is, unless Shooter McGavin can regain the form that made him a top money-winner on the tour way back when.
"Damn you, people! This is golf!"

Those were Shooter's immortal words. However, for THE all-time, ultimate, put-it-on-my-headstone golf moment, let's knock down a few pegs Ty Webb's "Let's see ... Sonja Heine's out. How 'bout Danny Noonan?" gem from the no-brainer of a golf-as-a-lifestyle mosaic and rewind to that All-Time No. 1 Golf Moment when Bill Foster (portrayed by Michael Douglas outfitted in military-surplus-store attire) was taking a shortcut through the L.A. country club and, thereby, interrupting those old geezers' game.

As we recall, Bill used the shotgun from the cachet of weapons he was toting to blast the old codgers' golf cart, sending it rolling down the hill and causing one of the geezers to crumple to the ground, clutching his chest while in the throes of an apparent heart attack.

Geezer (gasping, whispering): "Pills ... my pills ..."
Bill: "Your pills? Where are your pills?"
Geezer (still gasping, whispering): "Cart ... "
Bill: "Your pills are in the cart?" (Looks off to the distance, watches the cart rolling into the pond, turns to geezer and smiles) "Well, it looks like you're outta luck 'cuz your little cart is going to drown. Now, aren't ya sorry ya didn't let me pass through?"
Geezer (still gasping, unable to speak)
Bill: "And now you're going to die wearing that silly little hat. How does it feel?"

We never did learn if that old geezer died (likely so), but, either way, that scene from "Falling Down" is a KILLER every time.
That ... and what took place at incident Whammy Burger.

"Well, Rick, I, uhhh ... wait a minute. Why am I calling you by your first names as though we're in some AA meeting. I've worked for my boss for seven years, I still call him 'Mister' "
"You can call me, Miss Folsom ..."

Sheila ... you, too, are KILLING me!

Oh, ri-ri-ri-right ... back to Tiger ...

Some of us don't give a flying f**k about golf because eveybody knows that watching or playing golf is an excuse to NOT make America strong again via either slo-pitch softball, 3-on-3 hoops or tennis.

That super-sized, lard-ass Son-of-Julius-Boros-Named-Guy-Boros might cheat death for a weekend by completing anywhere from 36 to 54 holes, but nobody wants to see him leg out a grounder up the middle or waddle to his left along the baseline as he reaches for that backhand.

Seriously ... how many times did Our Second Baseman Mark waste my time by B.S.'ing w/ the other guys in the dugout about some Callaway clubs moments before he grounded into the 4-6-3 DP?

More specifically, how many times was it 4-6-3 w/ me on first base?

Golf is an "activity" (like archery or gardening) which is less about actual participation than it is about golf conversation (lookit this new windjacket! check out this new putter! wanna get a club sandwich and some brews afterwards? is Tiger playin' at Kapalua this weekend?).

PGA-wise, Reilly et al. seem to be implying that the sport, errr ... "activity" cannot simply dial up enough Stewart-Cink-Crushes-Tom-Watson's-Fairy-Tale-Weekend scenarios.

Or that Phil and Sergio and Furyk and Els et al. have enough charisma or staying power or whatever.

It's pretty much like what would happen to tennis if we took away Federer. It'd be an injured Nadal and a sporadic Roddick.

Kinda like women's tennis ...
Or the LPGA ...

To some of us, THE SADNESS is that the media won't use Tiger's absence to broaden its coverage of the LPGA Tour and give a little more exposure (literally and figuratively) to the abundantly-talented pro golfers on that tour, not the least of which is Lorena Ochoa.

And, therein lies THE SORROW.
The retirement of Annika Sorenstam (Tiger's equal on her tour) remains unnoticed.

But, Natalie Gulbis sure has a rockin' bod, eh?

What time does Danica Patrick tee off?

b

Jackie Moynahan's Unnamed 0.5-Bro

2009-12-08T19:23:00.004-11:00

Remember: We use that term "The Bastard Jackie Moynahan" in a loving, respectful manner -- sorta like the way that we reference another classic icon:

"The Outlaw Josey Wales."

Sure ... we know that there should be a comma betwixt "outlaw" and "Josey," but ... whatever ...

HOWEVER (!) ... now that "The Supermodel Gisele Bundchen" has Pez'd an infant from her own vagina, she can stop borrowing The Bastard Jackie Moyhanan -- who came from Bridge's vagina 2 yrs. ago -- and Giz can stop calling that toddler (the Stepson Josey Wales) her own.

As one might expect from the Power Couple of This Millennium, standard protocol has been violated (they make their own rules!) and, hence, the baby has no first name!!!

Under normal circumstances, anxiety would grip an anxious nation while Baby No-Name remained nameless. Only thing is, we're cuurently in the throes of Eldrickpalooza -- and another chick might fall from the sky any minute now.

Again ... "under normal circumstances," when a baby is born w/o a name, a Senate sub-committee is assigned to "designate" a name. Now, when we don't know how much longer it is until halftime at Eldrickpalooza, we're left to ponder the possibilities.

And, since all of the cool names ("Barack Hussein" ... "Vin Diesel" ... "Stetson" ... "Astra Zeneca") have been claimed already, one wonders if Giz will be persuaded by hubby to name the child after the person for whom his high school was named (Father Junipero Serra) or the person for whom the QB played his college ball ("Lloyd").

Is The Bastard Jackie Moynahan's half-brother an "Otis"?
Is he an "Elmer"?
Or a "Kareem Abdul"?

Kinda reminds ya of when Jordan was going to name hers-and-Perry's newborn "Quinn" after her father, but then she considered how much the toddler didn't look THAT much like her dad.
Perry: "Maybe it's because he's not drunk and yelling at your mother."

If this all seems a little confusing and convoluted now, just wait 'til 10 yrs. from now when The Bastard, Jackie Moyhahan is sittin' in his junior high classroom and he's wearing his blue-n'-gold TEBOW #15 St. Louis Rams jersey (unless he's wearing his CLAUSSEN #7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey that day) ... and he's texting his half-brother inx_x^HEY! WTF? How can The Bastard Jackie Moynahan text his half-brother when the boy has no name?

That's easy ... nobody uses names anymore.

Ya text to a number ...

"Y'see I been thru the desert on a horse with no e-mail address ..."

Hey, as stated previously: If it seems messy now (or 10 yrs. from now when jerseys clash), just wait another 20 yrs. ... when Jackie's mom, Bridge, is in her late 50s (and still lookin' damn good) -- and she decides to get back at her ex-lover by dating her ex-lover's son ... maybe his name'll be [Grady] Brady ... and he'll be QB'in' in junior college somewhere.

If wedding bells should ring, half-brothers would become brothers-in-law and, technically and legally, Jackie Moynahan would also become Baby X's stepson (that's "stepson" ... not Stetson ...).

More important, Gisele's husband's ex-lover would become Gisele's daughter-in-law ... and, legally and technically, The Bastard Jackie Moynahan would become Gisele's grandchild since Jackie would be the stepson of Gisele's son.

Frickin'-A! -- the equation is tooooo delicious not to consider.

But, you knew it was gonna work out terrifically for Tom Terrific ... because you watched him in that SNL black-n'-white filmstrip in which he demonstrated the law of the jungle when it comes to chicks.

1) Be handsome ...
2) Be attractive ...
3) Don't be unattractive ...

b

"Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."

2009-12-02T18:37:00.014-11:00

The final three words -- ["Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."] -- of Eldrick's VM msg. for Jaimee ... that's exactly how a lot of us proud Americans intend to end every phone call of ours from now until the end of our lives.

'Cuz Eldrick -- who never had anything (of value) to say before -- has finally given us words to live by.

"HUGE. QUICKLY. BYE."

While the beginning of Eldrick's classic request has been set delicately to music -- "Could you pleeeez take your name off your phone ..." -- some of us STILL cannot get enough of the end of the msg.

"Huge. Quickly. Bye ..."

Indeed, the shit hit the fan less than a week ago -- and the jokes continue to write themselves.

Must've been what that profound visionary, Papa Earl, was talkin' 'bout when he proclaimed that his son was going to change the world or alter the course of history or raise the roof or impact humankind or become the greatest icon in the Hall of Icons, blah blah blah ...
... because Daddy maybe didn't see beyond the fact that all Sonny really does is whack a golf ball and pimp Gillette razors.

"Huge ... quickly ... bye ... "

President Oprah got his bad self all caught up in the Earl Woods hype machinery when he selected Eldrick to give a speech outside of the Lincoln Memorial during the President Oprah Hoopla at the outset of 2009.

Most Americans knew it was a bad choice at the time ... because we were hoping that the half-black prez would see past a half-black golfer and give us someone we could believe in, a la Delroy Lindo or Ving Rhames (who some of us believe are the same dude) or Morgan Freeman or Shaka Zulu or, if one were to think outside the box, maybe a powerful black woman, such as Queen Latifah (she's a queen, goddammit) or Serena or, what the heck, Oprah herself (it's STILL a crack-up when The Soup airs that clip of Oap swingin' in the harness and she blurts, "My va-jay-jay be painin' " ... which really is THE best msg. for Americans and Kenyamericans, when ya get right down to it).

If President SportsFan was lookin' for a sports star, didn't it make more sense to go with Barry Bonds (America's all-time home run king) or O.J. Simpson (Heisman Trophy winner, first NFL running back to rush for 2,000+ yds. in a season)?

Why did Prez Sports sell out two black kids who grew up in San Francisco and the greater peninsula thereof?

Anyway, while "Huge. Quickly. Bye." can never replace "Gotta bounce. Peace, out ... " it'll serve as a new wrinkle for this year's X-mas greeting cards.

"All the best to you and yours, in happiness and in health, during this holiday season and beyond ... Huge. Quickly. Bye ... "

Finally, "Huge. Quickly. Bye." offers hope and provides something positive for those of us who regularly scoff at golf whilst we adhere to the writings of Travis Bickle, the taxi driver who told presidential candidate Palantine that somebody oughta flush this city down the fucking toilet.

Our friends and relatives were gettin' tired of receiving greeting cards which ended with: "True force ... and all the king's men cannot put it back together ... "

b

Welcome (Back) To The Jungle, CHRIS ALLEN

2009-12-01T23:54:00.003-11:00

Jumpin' Jehosephat ... the kid had ALL summer to work on his J -- and from what we can tell (by looking at the boxscore, as opposed to actually watching yucky b-ball on TV) Michigan State's Chris Allen needs to stay after class and write on the blackboard 100 times: "I will stop missing 20-footers, I will stop missing 20-footers, I will stop missing 20-footers, I will ... "

True dat: The only way that MSU's Chris Allen is going to stop MISSING 20-footers is to stop TAKING 20-footers.

We've seen/heard from the Disneyland Basketball Channel that Coach Izzo is one of this nation's most-special of the b-ball super-geniuses, but from what we've seen w/ own eyes re: Chris Allen is something along the lines of a problem child for the inspiration for The Izzone.

And, that problem is this: The last time -- before tonight -- that Clankin' Chris was "center stage," as it were, in a large arena, he was goin 0 for 7 on 3-balls in the NCAA championship game vs. UNC at Ford Field.

Tonight -- again vs. UNC (only this time, it was in the Dean Dome) -- Clankin' Chris went 0-6.

It's probably of little consolation to Clankin' Chris that his teammates, Korie Lucious and Kalin Lucas, went a combined 0-8 on 3-balls tonight, not to mention the fact that most of us think that Korie Lucious and Kalin Lucas are actually the same person/mediocre player.

Wait ... Kalin Lucas was the '08/'09 Big Ten Player of the Year???

"You mean 'varsity"?"

It's completely unfair to say that Chris Allen frickin' sucks, so maybe it's better to just ride this one out and wait 'til the "big dance" when this son-of-a-gunner really steps up his game and gives us a 1-of-8 effort that America can hang its hat on.

Let's not brutalize the kid too much, though.

He'd probably be the second or third sub-in for most college I.M. teams.

b

Eldrickquiddick

2009-11-26T23:06:00.008-11:00

The popular acronym "WTF" is what modern-day keyboardists use when they're thinking "now, wait just a cotton-pickin' minute."

Furthermore, "WTF" is considered acceptable because it's 3 letters (rather than What The Frick) -- and because references to "pickin' cotton" are considered to be not-very-PC.

Notwithstanding Eli Whitney's contribution to the cotton-picking genre (w/ the invention of the cotton gin), some of us ARE takin' a cotton-pickin' minute to ponder what Eldrick was doin' crashing his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree early, early this glorious Thanksgiving-turning-to-Black Friday.

As the story begins to unfold, it's seeming as though it might have all the trappings of "Chappaquidick Lite."

Except that, right now, we don't know who's playin' the role of Mary Jo Kopechne.

And we don't know what a wrecked Escalade has to do with Jon n' Kate ...

So, to amuse ourselves (and pass the time), we've opted to crack wise with punchlines such as: "Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant at 2:30 in the morning because Tiger's enforcer, Stevie, wasn't available to pick up the hydrant and toss it out of the way."

If nothing else, this roadway mishap adds some juice to a slow Thanksgiving weekend -- although it looks as though it'll be a busy Sat./Sun. for the folks at Nike as this "incident" is added to the "to-do" list of reworking "the spin."

The current list reads something like:
1) Engineer THE premier masking agents for Lance Armstrong
2) Formulate the next helmet/jersey/pants combination for Oregon's football team

Yellow helmets, green shirts w/ gray numerals, black pants???
Flat-black, non-shiny helmets, yellow shirts, green pants???
White helmets, yellow shirts w/ unreadable yellow numerals, camouflage pants, flip-flops???
Green helmets, black shirts, red numerals, turquoise pants, cleats dipped in green glitter paint???
Light gray helmets, light gray shirts w/ gray numerals, gray pants, yellow socks, shiny silver cleats???

True dat: We're going to hear as many lame, mixed-up reasons as to what happened just beyond Eldrick's driveway as there are lame, mixed-up Oregon Ducks football attire combinations.

Either way, that fire hydrant needs to be called in for questioning.

"DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING, EH?"

^^^^

Disneyland's 24-Hr. B-Ball Rec Lg. 3-Ball Challenge

2009-11-17T20:06:00.024-11:00

The Disneyland Basketball Channel always tries to pawn off its 24-hr./kick-off-the-season-of-37-percent-from-3-range as something unique and quirky (Monmouth vs. St. Peter's at 4 a.m., blammo!).

Let's face it, though ... even if this is the first ENTIRE coll. b-ball season with that Oprah-sanctioned Kenyamerican as prez, what we're looking at, b/ball-wise, contains nuthin' significantly more substantitive or entertaining than the erotic TV commercial wherein Ronnie's roommate offers Mrs. Hunter a Hall's Refresh.

That's right, kids ... it sucks, sucks, sucks -- and the only way to salvage it is to show the uncut version of the commercial wherein the mouths of Ronnie's roommate and Mrs. Hunter are suddenly one ... as two Hall's Refresh candies are violently tossed about in a wicked tongue collision & entanglement.

Sloppiest kiss in TV history?
That depends.
How much hi-def is America willing to handle?
After all, America doesn't seem too offended when Digger's performing felatio on Bobby Knight moments after Dickie V.'s puckered lips have danced gently across Bobby's buttocks.

Since SOME of us remember when they used to play basketball in this nation before it became a 3-ball ring-toss onto milk bottles, our only reaction is to re-create the same "Shun/Un-shun/Re-shun" paradigm which Dwight executed against Andy when the 'Nard Dog returned to Scranton following his stint at anger mgmt.

This b-ball marathon signals the dawn of the worst college basketball season in the history of this planet (or the history of the universe, depending on what rec league games are occurring in other solar systems) -- and if you don't belie"QUICK! Name your preseason All-America team!"

Can't do it, can ya?

"Shun!"

The pumpkin-thrown-at-the-peach-basket soft toss which "Un-shun!" ^^^for our own amusement, some of us went ahead and assembled an '09/'10 All-America team, anyway.
And, it goes like so:

SOLOMON ALABI (Fla. St.) 7-1/251 So. Nigeria
ALEXIS WANGMENE (Texas) 6-7/241 So. Cameroon
YOUSSOUPHA MBAO (Marq.) 7-2/215 Fr. Senegal
MOUPHTAOU YAROU ('Nova) 6-9/215 Fr. Benin
TIJAN JOBE (Indiana) 7-0/250 Sr. Gambia*

* -- Al-Farouq Aminu of Wake and Arinze Onauku of The 'Cuse were declared ineligible for this team because, like President SportsFan, they were born in the U.S. (Aminu in Norcross, Georgia and Onauku in Lanham, Maryland) and they are U.S. citizens (wink, wink) as was Longar Longar (wink, wink) ...

Yes ... this lineup was so heavily damaged by the losses of Idong Ibok of Nigeria, Duany Duany of the Sudan, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of Cameroon, Hasheem Thabeet of Tanzania and Bamba Fall of Senegal -- and a lot of people feel as though you can't win with three 7-footers (we'd probably go with a FOURTH 7-footer, but Vandy's Festus Ezeli is listed at 6-11) ... and then, they look at this lineup and they ask, "Who'll bring the ball upcourt?" (Answer: Does it matter? Seriously ... have ya seen point-guard play nowadays? Your Aunt Loretta's a better ballhandler >> but, if we are required by the laws of the jungle to have a backcourt presence, might as well make it Montana senior Vassy Banny of the Ivory Coast, although everybody knows that better floor leaders come from Burkina Faso, formerly Upper Volta) ...

And, then ... the next question is: "Who are the perimeter players? Who'll shoot the trifecter?" (Answer: Does it matter? Seriously ... have ya seen the bricks that scholarship players are chuckin' at the rim nowadays? Your Aunt Loretta would have a higher FG% shot-putting the rock from halfcourt than many of today's quote-unquote "jump shoo"RE-SHUN!"

"Un-shun!" --> Speaking of St. Peter's U., is not Blaise Ffrench redshirting for the Peacocks this season after transferring from UTEP? And, what's the big idea with the "Ff" which begins his last name? That looks Ffucckk"RE-SHUN!"

b

STEELER Report Card: A+

2009-11-15T21:46:00.007-11:00

... but that's only if the "A" stands for "aggravating."

Or "annoying."

These are not the days are "A" is for Apple, "J" is for Jacks ... cinnamon toasty Apple Jacks ...

Although a big bowl of that sounds better than the big bowl of poop which the Steelers were scoopin' up vs. The Flavor of the Year (Bengal swirl on a sugar cone).

The only way this 3-0, 6-3, 6-6, 9-6, 9-9, 12-9, 12-12, 15-12, 18-12 annoying exercise in aggravation could've been more-aggravating or more-annoying would've been if somebody had put a gun to our heads and made us watch Berman & His Super-Schtick recap matters with: "And, after a 3-run homer by Willie Stargell gave Pittsburgh a 9-6 lead, 3-run homers by Tony Perez and Johnny Bench put Cincinnati ahead, 12-9."

The Cliffs Notes to this weirdness went something like: Roethlisberger scram 15 yds. to C 15 on first series (FG) ...

Consec. comps to Holmes 21 yds. to 15, 10 yds. 1st and goal at 5 (FG) ...

In succession: 46-yd PI, comps. to Moore for 11 to 19, Ward for 11 to 8 (FG) ...

QB sneak, FD at 11 (FG ... 12-12) ...

The only thing missing from the "inability to finish" showcase was what we saw in the game AT Cinshitnati: Limas Sweed dropping a TD pass which hit him right in the numbers as he was falling backwards (after falling on a banana peel ... or a garden rake ... whatever ...) ...

Actually, the winner of the Limas Sweed-stakes today occurred on the third play of the third qtr. when that pass bounced off of Ward's helmet and caromed to Frostee Rucker for the INT-runback/FG-setup.

For some reason, we're 'sposed to believe that the Bungles de Cinshitnati have that "deep-into-the-playoffs" look of a winner, thanks to Carson Palmer, an improved defense and the principles of Marvin Lewis.

But, let's remember this much: The only reason that Marvin Lewis wasn't fired after last season's 1-11-1 laughingstock before the 3-gm. win streak to end the season was -- as any Cinshitnatian will tell ya -- because upper mgmt. is too f-ing cheap to pay the remainder of Lewis' contract if he's axed.

Nuthin' magical 'bout that ...

And, until Carson Palmer wins a playoff game, they can cram that "changed the culture" B.S.

Nobody's scared of Payyyy-kohhh ...
Or Nuhhh-doooo-kwayy ...
Or Mowww-uhhh-looooga ...
Or Frosss-teee ...
Or Fuhh-nayyy-nayyy ...

AS PER THE BLACK N' GOLD, now is not the time for sorrow -- mostly because the remaining sked looks fairly-navigable in the Sea of 6-n'-3s (Pitt., N.E., S.D., Denv.).

The remaining menu of Chiefs, Raiders, Browns and Dolphins shows an extreme prejudice toward a 5-2 record in those games (4-3 at the very worst, considering the two Raven tussles and hard-to-figure Green Bay ... and, what the heck, maybe 6-1 if this team learns how to "close").

Seriously ... who sees more than 2 losses amongst that sorry group of NFL refuse?

Another shot at Cincy would be nice, given that Team Tiger Stripe scored two offensive TDs in 8 qtrs. vs. the Curtain.

Less than 2 mos. from now, the Steelers might be takin' their 10-6 record into Cincy and registering an unforgettable, 10-6 playoff win.

After Kimo von Oelhofen is activated for the game to re-enact the submarining of Palmer ...

b

Best STEELER Win (In Denver) Ever (?)

2009-11-09T23:11:00.008-11:00

Well, not in the "of all-time" genre ... because, after all, it was only 4 yrs. ago when the Curtain barged into Invesco and messed up Jake Plummer in the AFC Championship game.

And, we all remember how Eric Williams (yeah! THAT Eric Williams ...) picked off that Elway pass and ran it back to the 1-yd. line to set up the go-ahead TD which put the Curtain into the AFC Championship Game in Jan. '85.

Those were probably greater Mile High memories than what transpired tonight.

Still, given the circumstances of the Broncos' teenager head coach w/ his Belichick-inspired hoodie ... combined with presence of QB Neckbeard, "yup" ... this was mighty special.

And, a nearly-flawless 2nd half was capped by that quickie swing pass in the right flat which Hines Ward turned into a hurdle-over-Champ-Bailey TD -- although the friendly, post-pattern hookup between Big Ben and rookie Mike Wallace for the other knockout TD against that so-called vaunted D was special, too.

According to the recordkeepers who keep such records, the Steelers set a team record by scoring at least 27 points for the 5th game in a row.

That stat doesn't really mean a lot, considering that the 28-20 win at Detroit shoulda been more like 42-20 ... and the 27-14 win over the Browns shoulda been more like 41-14 with the total offense that the Steelers amassed (somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 yds.).

The recordkeepers also report that Tomlin is now 5-0 on MNF and 12-1 in games played in primetime, but, alas, we need to be realists and realize, realistically, that Tomlin's offense didn't look real swift during the first half tonight.

But, that's where the O can get a boost from the D, particularly when Tyrone Carter produces a pick six, assisted by Chris Hoke, of all people, shoving Knowshon Moreno into the umpire, thus, disrupting the rookie RB's pass route.

How many times do ya see that?
A backup D-lineman dropping back into coverage and shoving the rookie RB into the umpire?

That was kooky ... and maybe a little borderline illegal.

One day, Ziggy Hood will be using that move.

Before then, though, they'll have a good laugh over Hoke's shove during film session on Weds.

Unless film session is tomorrow because of the shortened work week, I dunno ...

The Broncos have some issues -- in fact, they had possessed the ball for all of 6-plus minutes in the second half until burning the final 1-minute-something following the Happy Hines Hurdle TD.

8 minutes of total possession time in the second half?

Funny thing is, we can argue (intelligently? logically?) that had Big Ben not coughed up the ball and then had not Polamalu knocked an sure INT outta Gay's hands, this one could've gone down as a 28-0 whitewash.

Maybe so, but then so, too, "if Hoke doesn't shove Moreno into the umpire ..."

And then if Polamalu isn't in the backfield, tripping somebody up for a 3-yd. loss ... and then if he isn't making the INT on a ball thrown to nobody, then ...

We need to discard "what ifs" and focus on "when dids" ... such as when did the Orange Crush go soft and allow a Terrible Towel invasion to negate a "we-must-protect-this-house" paradigm?

One might find that a little borderline illegal.
Maybe even unconstitutional.

But not as illegal or as unconstitutional as those brown helmets, yellow shirts, brown pants and vertically-striped socks which the Broncos have worn to re-connect with their 1960 AFL beginnings.

Tonight, they wore the orange tops when they shoulda been decked out in navy blue tops and navy blue trousers.

Anyway, "hey!" ... aren't you Mitch Berger?!

Last time we saw him, he was weari' his white Steeler shirt w/ yellow Steeler pants and he was floppin' to the turf at Raymond James in SB43, picking up a pivotal (but altogether unjustified) R-T-K flag.

Oh well, everybody has his/her own axe to grind.

Right now, Mike Wallace is making jersey #17 memories which Mitch Berger could only dream about (mostly because one's a WR and the other is a P ... notwithstanding the fact that w/o Mitch Berger's five perfect placements -- on snaps from Jared Retkofsky -- for Jeff Reed's 2 FGs and 3 PATs in SB43, the Cards woulda won, 23-19 ... right? >> it doesn't matter nowadays because Chris Warren and Daniel Sepulveda are no longer on IR and }}}} %%%%% >>>

Denver fans gotta pin their playoff hopes on Capt. Neckbeard, who, before, tonight, had thrown only one INT.

Sometimes, when we call him by his real name ("Kyle Orton"), people 'round these parts confuse Kyle Orton for Kyle Lorton, candidate for Maryland State Senate.

Some of us have shaken the hand of the wannabe state senator, although we've never admitted to him that we long for the day when he's shaking the QB's hand and saying, "Hi, Kyle Orton ... I'm Kyle Lorton."

And so forth and so on ...

b

The Game 4 Train Wreck

2009-11-01T18:33:00.018-11:00

(Typing with tears in your eyes? Yeah ... if you're a douchebag, maybe ... )

WHICH WAS WORSE -- A) BLACK FRIDAY '77? ... B) 15-14 JAYS '93? ... C) TONIGHT?
Good one ... particularly for the Phillie Phan who was either 15 years old when it was 5-3 with one out to go, Lefty scheduled to start the next night to wrap up the series and then, suddenly, Davalillo's layin' down that bunt and Luzinski is drifting back, back, back on Mota's flyball and, then, oh shit, the throw is skipping away from Sizemore and then Froemming is calling Lopes safe ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 31 years old and feelin' good about holdin' down the 14-9 lead to even up the Series at 2-apiece with Schilling on the hill the next night ...
Or when Phillie Phan is 47 years old and Feliz's homer in the bottom of the 8th offers renewed hope with Lee on the hill the next night and, suddenly, Damon's stealing second and, suddenly, nobody's covering third, oh shit again, nobody's covering third ...

THAT DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Well, tonight doesn't compare to Black Friday because in '77, the Phils hadn't won a World Series in their 94 yrs. of existence. And, 15-14 in '93 ... that was a total abomination.
Tonight? If the top of the 9th HAD ended with the score tied, 4-4, at this very moment, we'd be heading to the top of the 13th.

AND, NATURALLY, THE BOTTOM OF THE 12TH WOULD'VE ENDED WITH CLAY CONDREY, PINCH-RUNNING FOR PAUL BAKO, GETTIN' THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FROM SECOND ON PINCH-HITTER COLE HAMELS' SINGLE TO LEFT. (laugh track)
Told ya they shoulda pinch-ran for Bako with Antonio Bastardo. (laugh track)

ATTENDING GAME 4 LAST YEAR, AS SOME OF US DID (WITH TICKETS WHICH COST $0.00), WAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN WATCHING ON TV WHAT UNFOLDED TONIGHT.
True dat ... especially when somebody (that's me ... raising my hand) informed that drunk dude that it was I.M. Hipp. not J.A. Happ, warming up in the Phillies bullpen.

WHAT POSSIBLE SILVER LINING IS THERE FOR TONIGHT -- OR IS SILVER THE COLOR OF THE SHINY CUTLERY PROTRUDING FROM THE ABDOMEN IN A "STICK-A-FORK-IN-'EM" PARADIGM?
Gotta go win the next 3 ... and the first step in that process is defeating the often-mediocre-when-he-isn't-babying-an-injury A.J. Burnett.

OPTIMISTICALLY, WE'RE LOOKIN' AT COLE HAMELS STARTIN' GAME 7 AT YANKEE STADIUM, AREN'T WE? (laugh track) THAT'S EXCITING STUFF. IT'S WHAT EVERY KID DREAMS OF.
Unless Mgr. Yokel opts for surprise starter Brett Myers for Game 6 and saves Pedro for Game 7 ... or activating secret-weapon starter Rodrigo Lopez (with Happ and Bastardo ready at the first sign of danger) ... which would shatter Cole Hamels' dream. That is, if Cole Hamels actually has dreams which extend beyond his role in the next commercial for Comcast. (laugh track)
As per the dreams of young boys from the Empire State, it centers around one day starting in the midfield or as an attacker for Syracuse LAX -- mostly because The New Yankee Stadium is big-time kid-unfriendly with its $500 nosebleed seats.

KIDS WHO ARE PROHIBITED FROM ATTENDING MLB GAMES -- DOESN'T THAT GO AGAINST THE MLB'S "BEYOND BASEBALL" CAMPAIGN?
Not in or around the NYC area. Kids still have many options -- such as attending the local venues (be it MSG or the stadium which was built atop Jimmy Hoffa's gravesite) to watch the Mets suck, the Jets suck, the Giants suck, the Knicks suck, the Nets suck, the Rangers suck and the Islanders suck. The Pinstripers are all they've got. And while their step-dad is at the game and texting his girlfriend who isn't Mom, the kids can listen to the games on the radio and hear some riveting broadcasting from Suzyn Waldman (because non-athletic chicks w/ thicker-than-thick Noo Yak/Jewish(?) accents always provide the best baseball insight, fuhgeddabowdid!).

HEY, SUZYN WALDMAN/LINDA RICHMAN/CAWWFEE TALK IS NO WORSE THAN THE INCOHERENT SHIT THAT COMES OUTTA LARRY ANDERSEN'S MOUTH DURING PHILS' BROADCASTS.
Granted ... and, say ... nobody's accusing Larry Andersen of being drunk during the games. He just broadcasts as though he is. (laugh track)

FROM THE STANDPOINT OF THE TEAM WHICH USED TO WEAR THOSE COOL, MAROON-COLOURED CAPS AND MAROON PINSTRIPES (FROM 1970 THRU 1991), WHO DO WE BLAME FOR TONIGHT?
Several culprits spring to mind.
*Lidge leaving his fastball "up in the zone," as they say, for Damon and A-Roid to whack, well ... that wasn't smart.
*Rollins and Victorino gettin' aboard with no outs and failing to score ... that was harmful.
*Blanton got in a groove, but walking Nick Swisher to lead off the rally which snapped the 2-2 tie ... unwise.
Also, spotting NYY a 2-0 lead in the first ... that was 100% counter-productive ...
Unsmart ... harmful ... unwise ... and counter-productive are not the building blocks for a favorable outcome in a pivotal Game 4.

SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE HOMER WHICH FELIZ TAGGED OFF OF JOBA PROVIDED ONLY FALSE HOPE?
Let's say Lidge DOES survive the top of the 9th -- what scenario did Phillie Phan envision for the bottom of the 9th vs. Phil Coke? Was it: Single by (Pinch Hitter X), single by Rollins, single by Victorino, strike out by Utley, strike out by Howard, walk-off grand slam by Werth?
The Happiness Paradigm always gets shifted and undermined by the Reality Coefficient -- so, even if it had been Coke rather than Mariano, it still might've ended up grounder to Teixeira, popup to Teixeira, grounder to Teixeira.
At least, Phil Coke didn't enter the game, earn the "W" and lead to a Daily News headline of: "PHILS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COKE."
Or did we forget the Phils-On-Pills days of yore?

SPEAKING OF THE HAPPINESS PARADIGM AND THE REALITY COEFFICIENT, IS THE INEVITABILTY QUOTIENT THE REASON FOR A MEDIA BLACKOUT IN EFFECT AT THE HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT?
Yes ... and it's imperative that the blackout be honoured. We're probably not going to watch much of Game 5 until it's safe to do so. That mean gettin' Cliff Lee a 3-0 or 5-2 lead which he is entitled to. Also, we'll creatively channel the Games 3, 4 & 5 vs. L.A. to create a positive vibe. It's important to remember: A blackout prohibits Bobby Fuckin' Valentine from invading our personal space and stunting our personal growth with his inane and asinine comments re: matters which are only peripherially related to what actually transpired.

WHAT'S THE GAMEPLAN FOR FENDING OFF YANKEE LOUDMOUTHS TOMORROW?
Nuthin' much ... just me, wearin' a Steelers sweatshirt and offering something succinct along the lines of, "Highest payroll in The MLB every year, but no championships since 2000. Will we be hearing from you again before 2018?"

b

Game 3 Q&A

2009-10-31T17:20:00.014-11:00

(Let's get the tarp off the infield and get right to the questionnaire) ...

WHAT WAS THE TURNING POINT OF TONIGHT'S GAME? WAS IT THE 1-HR., 20-MIN RAIN DELAY? WAS IT THE INSTANT-REPLAY/VIDEO REVIEW HOMER BY A-ROID?
Nah ... the Phils lost Game 3 way back on July 31. At the trade deadline ... when they didn't pull the trigger as some of us had suggested.

ARE YOU SAYING ... ?
Exactly ... and we've been over this a dozen times. GM Biology Major shoulda dealt Colbert Hamels for Harry Leroy Halladay. "Hamels for Halladay, straight up," we said.

WOULD THE BLUE JAYS HAVE MADE THAT SWAP?
Back on July 31? In a heartbeat ... Now? No ...
Ever since that win at the D-Backs three days before the trade deadline, Not King Cole is 4-8 w/ an ERA hovering around 5.00. As we've stated previously, that's borderline Ruffinish/Carmanesque -- or as Big Stein said to Costanza after George attached the World Series trophy to the rear bumper of his car and dragged it through the Yankee Stadium parking lot, "This is unnnn-axx-sept-uhhhh-bulll!" (that was before Mr. Wilhelm burst in and told Big Stein, "I'm tired of all your macho head games!"). >>>> The thing is, Hamels -- from what he's shown outside of Oct. '08 -- is that he's capable of probably many more 10-11 seasons, which, in the final analysis, doesn't stack up against the four or five 15-7 seasons that Roy Halladay might have remaining in his tank.

THAT SEEMS HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL, BASED SOLELY ON A ROCKY PAST 3 MOS. AFTER ALL, A 3-0 LEAD VS. THE BRONX BOMBERS IS NEVER SAFE.
It is for Roy Halladay -- 'cuz Roy Halladay makes big-boy pitches with MLB command. The unraveling tonight for Not King Cole was a walk to Teixeira preceding A-Roid's homer, not to mention the sorry pitches he threw to Swisher, Pettitte and Damon in the 5th. Let's face it: Colbert Hamels still hasn't earned our trust enough to be ranked with our Top 3 Phillie lefties of the past 33 yrs. (Carlton, Rawley, Mulholland) and he's not ready to replace Nino Espinosa as the #35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster in our hearts and in our minds.

THAT'S UNDERSTOOD -- BUT, WHAT REMAINS UNEXPLAINED IS WHY ON HAMELS' BaseballReference.com PAGE, HIS FULL NAME OF "COLBERT MICHAEL HAMELS" HAS BEEN SWITCHED TO "COLE MICHAEL HAMELS"? WHY IS THAT ... WHEN ROY HALLADAY REMAINS "HARRY LEROY HALLADAY"?
Maybe that's a question better suited for LegalZoom.com. But, if it matters, Toby Harrah is still "Colbert Dale Harrah" on his BaseballReference.com page.

TAKING THESE FACTORS INTO CONSIDERATION, AT WHAT POINT DID YOU LOSE INTEREST AND STOP WATCHING?
Not long after Colbert left that pitch up for Damon to whack to the RCF gap to make it 5-3 ... which was only a few minutes after Jack Buck's overrated kid described to America the RBI dunker which Andy Pettitte dumped into shallow CF thusly: "Pettitte hits one in the air to left ..."
It just didn't seem as though Utley and Howard were going to engineer a comeback, given the manner in which Pettitte had them all tied up and waving at pitches.
It seemed like a good time to put this one in the rear-view mirror and to re-tool for a Sunday nite showdown.

DIDN'T THE FANS SEEM A LITTLE SUBDUED AND FLAT, TOO?
Sure did -- except for that chant in the early innings which many of us couldn't decipher (it wasn't as distinct as "Beat L.A.!").
For Werth's second AB (after homering in the previous AB), there was polite hand-clapping and tepid towel-waving when they shoulda been tearing the roof off the place.
Also, there's enough of an influx of Jankee fans probably -- at least more than the 17 Tampa fans last year scattered throughout The Cit.

NONE OF THIS NON-ROWDINESS WAS THE BACKLASH OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVID SALE THREE MONTHS AGO, WAS IT?
You mean the guy who was beaten to death ("allegedly") by those three losers (obviously) in the parking lot after some beer was spilled by somebody on somebody else inside McFadden's?
"Shhhhhhhh!" ... that was a FOX Saturday game ... "shhhhhh!"

IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING WHEN YOU SAID YOU DID, THEN YOU MISSED WERTH'S SECOND HOMER. WHAT KIND OF A FAN ARE YOU?
Hey ... don't sweat it. I also missed his first one when I was out on the front porch wolfin' down a Pall Mall. Sometimes in life, smoke breaks happen ...

THOSE HOMERS SEEM A LITTLE EMPTY NOW, DON'T THEY? ... KINDA LIKE THE ONES DYKSTRA HIT IN THE PHILLY RAIN DURING GAME 4 IN '93.
Right ... and Carlos Ruiz's solo shot in the 9th was cheap window-dressing.

HOW NERVOUS SHOULD WE BE THAT IT'S UP TO JOE BLANTON TO KEEP THIS SERIES FROM GOIN' 3-TO-1 THE WRONG WAY?
That's not easy to quantify. What people forget is that Joe tied for the staff lead in wins (12), but he has as many victories as a starter in this postseason (0) as do the two guys he shared the wins leadership with (Happ and Moyer). Then, there's the simple fact that only ONCE in Phillie postseason history has the team ever rallied from a 2-games-to-1 deficit -- and that was back in '93 when Danny Jackson pitched lights out in Game 4 in the A-T-L.

DOES JOE BLANTON HAVE A CHAPTER 2 VERSION OF THE GEM HE AUTHORED IN GAME 4 LAST YEAR VS. THE RAYS?
Likely not ... but, here's the kicker: The last time that the Yankees played in the World Series (2003), lest we forget, they were beaten in Game 1 at The Stadium by the Fish before Pettitte and Clemens (neither of whom ever juiced, unless I've mis-remembered) completely shut down Florida in Games 2 and 3. Everybody was ready to hand that funky trophy with the 30 mini-flags on it to NYY, but then a funny thing happened to the Jankees in Game 4 -- (let's say it together) -- "Carl Pavano."

WHAT AN INTERESTING PARALLEL.
Isn't it, though? Pavano '03 was much like Hamels/Blanton '09 -- only Carl shoved the bats up the Yanks asses for 8 innings 'til Ugueth Urbina blew the win by allowing Ruben Sierra's, game-tying, 2-run triple w/ 2 outs in the 9th. FYI: Alex Gonzalez won that game with a walk-off homer in the 12th (that's the Venezuelan-born Alex Gonzalez, not the Miami-born Alex Gonzalez who kicked that routine grounder during the Bartman series ... the same Miami-born Alex Gonzalez whose final big-league days were the 20 games he played for the Phils in '06 ... probably The Wrong Alex Gonzalez, when ya get right down to it).
Either way, Gonzalez's homer tied the series, 2-2 ... the Fish won the next one at home ... and then Beckett rammed it up the Pinstripers asses in Game 6 in the Bronx.

COULDN'T WE ARGUE THAT THE YANKEES' '03 LINEUP WAS INFERIOR TO THE '09 LINEUP, GIVEN THAT KARIM GARCIA AND NICK JOHNSON WERE PINSTRIPERS THEN?
It's all relative. The '03 lineup had Bernie Williams and a heavily-HGH'ing Giambino as opposed to the current version of .255-hittin' Nick Swisher. And, now that ya mention it, aren't we all sick of, "Watch out, world! Nick Swisher's ready to bust out and hit .261 this year!"???

GRANTED ... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE DIP IN SWISHER'S LOWER LIP?
That's The MLB for ya -- which is the shitty part about the Phillies' long run into October (and now, November). If this was Jankees n' Dodjerks, some of us would be watching 0.00 minutes of the sport which delivers the following message to America's children: Remember, kids ... if you're coaching the bases in Little League, high school, junior college, upper college, DO NOT wear a batting helmet -- because foul balls only kill minor league base coaches. And, if you do wear a batting helmet, make sure it has no ear flaps because foul-ball line drives in the major leagues only strike the coaches on the top of the head ... never in or around the ear (or what we call "the skull's Death Zone"). Also ... tobacco is a no-no -- except for Nick Swisher and Jayson Werth and the fistfuls they wedge into their lower lips.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THE MLB MAKES IT UP AS IT GOES ALONG?
Always has, always will ... To twist the new slogan, "This is beyond hypocrisy, this is Beyond Baseball ..."

b

"This Is Steve ... And He's (Still) A Sex Addict"

2009-10-25T21:39:00.002-11:00

... and then everybody in the group joins the chorus, "Hi, Steve!" -- the only exception here is that, "yes" ... we will judge you and, "no" ... we'll probably never accept you nor will we ever love you.

To coin a phrase ... "tough titties."

Steve Phillips has forgotten more about titties than most of us (some of us, anyway) will ever know ... but, before we get all judgmental and say, "Once a sex addict, always a sex addict," let's remember that Steve Phillips has a disease -- and let's thank god that the last we'll ever see of him on live TV is spouting nonsense on "Baseball Tonight" rather than engaged in a memorable kitchen-table sit-down (while he's naked) with NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen.

A lot of kids across America stumbled into Phillips' face on TV and thought to themselves, "Why can't that guy finish turning that baby goat-tee into a full-grown goat-tee?"

The shit hit the fan on this Sunday morning -- and perhaps the silver lining to this Married Steve and His Girlfriend is that the story (so far) hasn't reached its "climax," so to speak, wherein Married Steve becomes Murdered Steve ... as it did more than three months ago for Steve McNair and his gal, Sahel Kazemi.

Most of us used to believe that Steve Phillips shoulda been Kazemi'ed because he came off as such a smug prick, so to speak, every time we saw him on TV ... but, there are many children out there across America who weren't laughing their asses off 10 yrs. ago when we heard the Mutts GM admit that he had a sexual addiction.

Despite his illness (covered? or NOT covered? in the new Obama Healthcare Package), the Disneyland Baseball Channel is probably going to lower the boom on Phillips (meaning that the final lasting observation he gave America was J-Roll's walk-off, 2-run double "hit the chain-link fence, blah blah blah ...).

Dammit, we're gonna miss that commentary.

It was unfortunate that the Espy Network chick who claims to be his lover thrust, so to speak, this situation into the public eye and set Phillips up for weeks of abuse.

The leadoff batter, metaphorically, was CBS Sportline's Gregg Doyel, who appeared on that Sunday morning CNN program which much of us weren't paying attention to as we dressed and prepared to go outdoors.

Doyel's initial cheap shot was that Phillips lover ain't too good-lookin'.

If such a remark seems harsh, America needs to understand that Doyel is obligated to say what he did.

As those of us who don't waste our time reading Doyel's traditional bullshit, we realize that guys who have a dangle the size of a broken No. 2 pencil and who, at birth, got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick NEED to be pro-active in zeroing on peripheral, superficial matters.

Such as the looks of others who also got the fuck beaten outta them with the ugly stick.

It's doubtful that, in the days ahead, if we'll learn if Steve Phillips' lover had an inner-thigh that was sweeter n' hotter n' softer than cinnamon rolls fresh outta the oven -- just as we'll probably never learn where Gregg Doyel stashes his NAMBLA literature.

The central issue should be that it's America's children who'll be the losers in the end.

Then again, The MLB-Y2K-ESPN superpower was never intended for kids.

It's to reintroduce us to that "other" ex-Mets prick Bobby Valentine ... and the .063 percent of value he adds to everything he does.

So, how will America's children learn about the birds n' the bees between episodes of the Married Steve and the Murdered Steve?

From De Niro, of course.

When it comes to mapping out the M-L-B and s-e-x, it's always best to pop "The Fan" into the DVD player.

You remember: Young Richie Renard and his dad, Gil, are driving to Candleshit for the season opener.

RICHIE: "Jason Pelligrini's dad says Mick Jagger is gay."
GIL (angrily): "Jason Pelligrini's dad takes it up the ass."

It's up to America to decide if De Niro as Gil Renard offering that hostile response revealed him as a less-thoughtful character than the one he portrayed 25 or so years earlier when he was New York Mammoths catcher Bruce Pearson learning the ropes from teammate Henry Wiggen (Michael Moriarty) in "Bang The Drum Slowly."

BRUCE: "Arthur, if you was on one team and I was on another, what kinda book would you keep on me?"
HENRY: "If you was on one team and I was on another, I'd say to myself, 'No need to keep a book on Pearson, 'cuz Pearson keeps no book on me.' 'Cuz if I strike ya out on a curveball 'in here,' you don't go back to the bench sayin' 'That son of a bitch, Wiggen, he struck me out on a curveball in here, so I'll be on the lookout next time.' No ... you go back to the bench sayin', 'I think I need a frank' or 'I see a great pair of jugs up in the stands.' "

Hey ... it's a mediocre movie at best ... but it's all we have.

And it's better than reading Doyel's rants re: Steve Phillips' pursuit of 'tang ...

b

PHILLIES: Neutralizing The Guns of Brixton

2009-10-19T11:09:00.000-11:00

"When they kick at your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting in Death Row
You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Ohhh-ho, the Guns of Brixton ... "

What a blockbuster night this was ... on the Monday following last Monday's "wrecking of Rocktober," the Fightin's dialed up some more magic -- and now the questions are rollin' in like a Rollins shot to the gap ...

WHILE SOME OF US HAVE BEEN SINGING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EVER SINCE CHUCK AND I WERE THE FIRST GUYS (PROBABLY) AT T.O.H.S. TO BUY THAT LP WAY BACK DURING THE FIRST YEAR THAT THE PHILLIES WON THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES, WE HAVE WONDERED ALOUD "GUNS OF BRIXTON" EDGES OUT (OR NOT) "BRAND NEW CADILLAC," "HATEFUL," "CLAMPDOWN," AND/OR "DEATH AND GLORY" AS THE BEST CUTS ON THAT DOUBLE-LP.
That is wayyyy toooo close to call! They are all like Pall Malls or Double-Doubles from In-N-Out ... an unforgettable trip to Flavour Country.

NOW THAT WE EXAMINE IT CLOSER, AREN'T WE ACTUALLY USING "GUNS OF BRIXTON" HERE MERELY AS A PLAY ON WORDS FOR DODGER CLOSER JONATHAN BROXTON AND HIS DEMISE TONIGHT AT THE HANDS OF THE FIGHTIN' PHILS?
Maybe, maybe not ... and, as such, we might be smarter to fire up "The Eton Rifles" and muscially remark: "Thought you were clever when you lit the fuse / Tore down the House of Commons in your brand new shoes / Composed the revolutionary symphony / Then went to bed with a charming young thing / Hello, hurray ... cheers then, mate .... It's the Eton Rifles! Eton Rifles!"

SAY, THE LAST TIME WE SAW CHUCK, DIDN'T WE DROP HIM OFF IN EXTON AFTER WE TOOK HIM PAST THE VET A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE FINAL GAME THERE AND BEFORE WE TOOK HIM TO PAT'S KING OF STEAKS WHERE HE FUMBLED HIS ORDER?
That was a good time ... only thing is, worse than Chuck not remembering what he was taught ("one, Wiz, without"), dude put ketchup on his cheesesteak.

SAY, ISN'T MATT RYAN FROM EXTON?
Apparently ...

IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR BRIXTON OR ETON?
Maybe ... maybe not ...

BACK TO THAT GUY WHO'S NOT FROM BRIXTON OR FROM EXTON ... WHY DOES baseballreference.com LIST BROXTON AS 6-4/240 WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS HIM AT 6-4/294?
Maybe he was eatin' a tossed green salad the day that he stepped on the scale for SABR.

IF HE TRULY IS THE 'GIGANTOR' OF RELIEF PITCHERS, THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOIN' NIBBLING WITH STAIRS AT THE PLATE? GIGANTOR SHOULDN'T "NIBBLE," SHOULD HE? SHOULDN'T GIGANTOR BE BREATHIN' FIRE AND KNOCKIN' OVER SKYSCRAPERS?
That was some of the most-moronic pitching that humankind has ever seen ... walking Stairs on 4 pitches. Who cares if the fireplug-sized former slugger took Broxton deep in Game 4 in L.A. last year -- that was LAST year. GIGANTOR would've benefitted from Hall of Fame mgr. (so they say) Joe Torre passing him a note which read: "Forget about last year. Tonight is not last year."
During the final 3 mos. of THIS season, Stairs batted a robust .082 which included that particularly forgettable stretch of 30 consecutive ABs w/o a hit. Torre -- the managerial messiah (so they say) -- failed to dispatch Honeycutt to the mound to remind Broxton that, at 6-4/294, "you are the big, bad wolf ... not that pussy, errr ... Canadian guy in the batter's box."

A 4-PITCH WALK ... AND THEN RUIZ GETS PLUNKED ON THE VERY NEXT PITCH ...
That Ruiz HBP was a continuation of Broxton overthinking the situation and aiming a pitch (quite poorly, in fact) rather than allowing his super Gigantor powers to clean up the mess. Mighty Brox's mind might've rewound to that Thurs. afternoon game in mid-May when he was one strike away from nailing down a 3-1 for L.A. at The Cit and Ruiz, after fouling off two pitches, pounded a 2-run double which tied the game.

OKAY, BUT CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT-OF-CLARITY: AFTER DOBBSIE HIT THAT WEIRD FLUTTERBALL TO CASEY BLAKE FOR OUT #2, A LOT OF US WERE WATCHIN' J-ROLL SETTLE INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND, AS WE WERE HOPIN' FOR A SHARP SINGLE TO TIE THE GAME, IT DAWNED ON US THAT WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR MEMORY BANK RE: J-ROLL PROVIDING ANYTHING OF THE "WALK-OFF" VARIETY. HE'S BEEN A MONEY PLAYER FOR ALMOST A FULL DECADE NOW ... HE WAS MR. 20-20-20-20 MVP TWO YEARS AGO ... HE HIT THE GRAND SLAM AND THE 2-RUN DOUBLE LATE IN THE GAME IN WHICH DAVID SALE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH IN THE PARKING LOT OUTSIDE THE CIT SOMETIME AROUND THE TIME THAT STEPHEN REGISTER WAS MAKING HIS ONLY PITCHING APPEARANCE FOR THE FIGHTIN'S ... BUT, NOTWITHSTANDING THAT, J-ROLL SIMPLY ISN'T A WALK-OFF KINDA GUY ...
Well, not until tonight, anyway -- primarily because he'd never been in that situation before. Not that we can recall, anyway. SABRmetric doofuses who spent a lotta time crunching SABRmetric numbers instead of crushing 2-2 sliders on the black put a lot of value (too much, as far as we're concerned) in those historical "late-inning pressure situation" averages. Any SABmetricistian, however, who diminishes the value of J-Roll's leadoff homer in Game 4 of last year's NLDS in Milwaukee or his leadoff HR in Game 5 of the NLCS in L.A. -- and the boost that those HRs provided to the team -- should probably turn in his SABRmetricistian membership card and return to the activity of French-kissing the boy in bed beside him. The rest of us will return to the act of valuing J-Roll as "an ignitor" ... i.e. his singles which started the 9th inning rallies in Game 3 and Game 4 in Colorado. All of the aformentioned hits, nevertheless, will rank a distant second to that frickin' rocket which J-Roll sent to the gap tonight.

SPEAKING OF THAT MISSILE UP THE ALLEY, WHAT THE FRICK WAS REFORMED-SEX-ADDICT STEVE PHILLIPS TALKIN' 'BOUT WHEN HE MADE A POINT OF MENTIONING THAT THE BALL BOUNCED UP AGAINST THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE WHICH PROVIDES THE "OUTER SHELL," AS IT WERE, OF THE OUTFIELD WALL? DID THE SILVER FOX WITH THE UNFINISHED GOAT-TEE WANT US TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CONNECTION?
Nobody knows -- not even reformed-sex-addict Steve Phillips -- knows what the fuck Steve Phillips is saying after he says what he says with that mouth that he also uses to (#$&&) a lot of (&**@#).
From what we think we can ascertain, Phillips seemed to be hinting that if the outfield wall had been made of Gummi Bears instead of chain-link material, the ball would've caromed, rapid-fire, to Ethier and he would've made a throw on the fly from the warning track to home plate to nail Ruiz and send this baby to extras ...

IF A DICKWAD SUCH AS STEVE PHILLIPS HAD DONE HIS HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF JACKING OFF IN ONE OF ESPN's RESTROOMS (MEN'S OR WOMEN'S, HE AIN'T FUSSY), HE'D'VE INFORMED AMERICA THAT NO PHILLIE-DODGER PLAYOFF SERIES HAS EVER BEEN TIED 2-GAMES-APIECE THRU 4 GAMES ... WHICH WAS THE ONLY THOUGHT INSIDE SOME OF OUR HEADS AS THE 9TH INNING BEGAN.
A nugget like that is valuable ... but, if ya lived thru 1977 and 1978 ya remember how those Game 4s ended ... and ya also remember the highs of Game 4 in '83 (a Sixto Lexcano homer!) and Game 4 last year (a Victorino homer into the Phillie bullpen which almost decapitated rookie catcher Lou Marson). Kinda makes ya wonder where Sixto and Lou watched the game tonight.

DEEP DOWN, DIDN'T WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS GAME WOULD WORK OUT IN THE FIGHTIN'S FAVOUR BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, ANY TIME RANDY WOLF STARTS A BIG GAME IN PHILLY, RANDY WOLF'S BEST INTERESTS ARE NEVER SERVED?
Agreed ... although he got jobbed on the 2-strike pitch which woulda rung up Howard in the first inning before the big guy jacked it out on the next pitch.

THAT HAD TO PLEASE THE WOLF PACK.
For sure, tho' does anyone remember the FOX cameras showing any shots of somebody wearing a rubber wolf mask?
Thinking outside the pack, it was pleasing when -- after the Dodgers had nicked and scratched their way from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 lead -- Victorino and Utley delivered some comeback material with that Manny-assisted triple and a solid RBI single.

ALTHOUGH THIS WAS A PHILLIE COMEBACK FOR THE AGES, THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SPEND ALL OF TUESDAY SETTIN' THE RECORD STRAIGHT, ISN'T HE?
Damn straight. The one and only George Vukovich will be tellin' everybody, "J-Roll's hit was terrific, but I remain the only player in the Phillies' 125-year history to end a playoff game with a walk-off homer. Get it straight, people ... I hit a walk-off HOMER!!!"

HOW VALID IS HIS POINT?
As valid as valid gets. But, now it's time to end this in 5 games and avoid a trip back to La-La Land, where the Santa Ana winds whip up never-ending brushfires while shifts in the San Andreas Fault stir up constant earthquake anxiety.

COLE HAMELS IS FROM CALI -- IS HE THE MAN FOR THE JOB?
If he can block out the distractions of his new baby girl named Colbertina and channel his inner gun of Brixton or Eton Rifle. Otherwise, it'll be Cliff Lee on the hill at Dodger Stadium on Fri. nite for Game 6.
No one wants to see that when it's totally avoidable ...

b

CARLOS RUIZ: Not Afraid Of Curtain Koleslaw

2009-10-15T23:07:00.007-11:00

... which should come as a surprise to no one, given that Carlos Ruiz is the only person, not to mention the only Panamanian, in the history of The MLB to hit a home run and a walk-off, 48.5-foot single at 1:47 a.m. in the same World Series game! ////// Three swings of the bats tonight (Ruiz 3-run HR, Howard 2-run 2B, Ibanez 3-run HR) helped the Fightin's offset L.A.'s 14 swings of the bat which produced 14 basehits, notwithstanding ex-Phillie Jim Thome's 0-0. ///// Ah, yes ... any Phillie playoff win is swell, but it's sweeter when it happens vs. L.A. and then prompts Johnny A. to open his Cali-to-Mid-Atlantic Corridor phoner w/: "Thank you, God." -- after all, JayAy is the guy who was there for 9 In The 9th back in '90, not to mention the fact that, under the heading of "religious affiliation" on his Facebook pg., it reads: "anti-Dodger." ////// Is that hate-speech? ///// We hope so ... //// Although none of us knows, though, why Thome's name was in the Disneyland Baseball Channel's quick-stat/recap for tonight's game. ////// THOME: 0-0 ///// It belonged there about as much as: HAPP 1/3 IP, 0 H, 0 ER, 0 SO ///// Frickin' amateurs ... //// There can be no argument, however: There was nuthin' amateurish, though, 'bout the professional manner in which Carlos Ruiz totally jerked that Curtain Koleslaw pitch to get the Phils off the deck. ///// He put a quality baseball swing on the pitched pelota and, yeah ... he crushed it. ///// As per the other two runs in the top of the 5th (5 In The 5th doesn't sound as nice as 9 In The 9th, but, the stakes were far greater, so it must be treated with greater reverence, so they say), perhaps the Philly Sixer (Howard) didn't rocket his 2-run 2B down the RF line, but he hit it sharply (and with proper placement). ///// Ibanez? Now, that was funny considering that Honeycutt had just pow-wowed with Sherrill and then, "bang!" .... first pitch, 3-run jack. ////// "Whujuh guys talk about in the huddle?" ////// Relievers named Sherrill ... crooked college football coaches named Sherrill ... ex-fiancees named Cheryl ... what purpose do they serve, anyway? ////// As long as we're nitpicking, Cole Hamels -- pitching in his first game since becoming a daddy (we've heard that his infant daughter's name is NOT Colbertina, which disappoints us tremendously) -- was kinda so-so. ////// It's difficult to assess his performance, since he was reasonably sharp (kinda/sorta) thru the first 4, but then, after sittin' thru 5 In The 5th, was a little shoddy, location-wise, in the bottom of the frame. ///// Ironically, the pitch which #99 Druggie Dreadlock cranked for his HR, well ... location-wise, that wasn't a terrible pitch. ////// Only Man-Ram's gonna handle that one. //// Which he did. //// Which means that maybe it was a shitty pitch, I dunno. ////// It was a bit of a tightrope walk out there tonight ... Madson had to work out of a scrape in the 8th ... and, in the 9th, Lidge woulda been ripe for an implosion if Blakebeard doesn't go 4-6-3 on that DP which Utley started in dandy fashion. ///// Think about it: Lidge facing 3-for-4 Loney w/ 2 on and 0 outs, hmmmmm ... ///// Some of us would rather not think about that -- but, rather why, during last year's NLCS, Blakebeard was wearing his beard and #30, but now he's wearing #23 (the number which GIDP rookie Blake DeWitt was wearing ... and WTF is up with Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin wearing "J. MARTIN" above the 55 on the back of his L.A. shirt? ///// Is that how they do things in Ontario, Canada or Ontario, Calif.? /////// Not our concern, probably ...

Who's Afraid of Curtain Koleslaw?

2009-10-14T21:34:00.009-11:00

Not the Fightin's, that's for goddamn sure.

Those "Baseball Tonight" eggheads spent today tryin' to convince America that Dodger southpaw Curtain Coleslaw or Kerton Clayshaw (or whatever the frick his name is) might be something greater in Dodger lore than the Second Coming of Doug Rau.

When it's Show Buckwalter or Tony Perez's mushmouth kid talkin' 'bout the new pitching messiah (or Dave Winfield -- who's spent all season adding nuthin' other than super-obvious observations ... or Reformed Sex Addict STEVE PHILLIPS), we see their lips moving, but all we hear is:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or, er, should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [[[[ INAUDIBLE >>> ]]]] children ..."

As per Buster Olney, well ... he should know better.

Dude musta been under the influence of some powerful crystal meth which ESPN keeps on hand 'cuz he said something about how Curtain Koleslaw can carry a team on his back because quote-unquote "his stuff is electric."

It's difficult to see the logic in such a remark re: a pitcher who went 8-8 in 30 starts w/ 14 no-decisions, regardless of the fine, sub-3.00 ERA.

What's so electric about that?

How does that help South Africa and The Iraq everywhere such as?

In the ESPN paradigm, we're all better off when they ship in hockey expert Mary Belrose to offer his trademark cop-out of "(Team X) wanted it more."

When Mary Belrose is too busy waxing his mullet, Herb Kirkstreit is carted in for turbo-powered cliches, such as "on the offensive side of the ball" or "defensive side of the ball" ... or, if those fail, lettin' us know that (Player X) caught the ball at its highest point (meaning that Player X leaped 10 feet above the ground, extended his arms and caught the ball when it was 15-20 feet above the earth's surface).

To complete the circuit, Berman sez, "Thuh-Rayyyyyy-duzzzz!"

The thing is: Since Barry Melrose and Kirk Herbstreit and 77 percent of the "Baseball Tonight" crew are lazy pricks (you, too, jock-sniffin' Todd McShay), we need (topless) Miss Teen South Carolina more than ever to sort out this mess.

Seriously ... Buck Showfucker actually had the audacity to say "the Phillies have a good bench, blah blah blah ..." -- which, translated, means, "yes" ... Miss Teen South Carolina should be in the studio right now ... topless ... and tellin' us how the world works.

Listen up, Nathaniel ... the Phillies have knee-deep horrendousness on the bench, give or take a quality AB by Francisco or Dobbs twice a month.

Matt Stairs battin' .082 since July 1 does not constitute "a good bench" -- and god-only-knows what Bruntlett and Bako have up their sleeves if called on in a pinch.

Of all the lazy shitheads who didn't do their homework, it was actually Krukkie who told us that Ryan Howard batted only .107 vs. L.A. this season ... and then he told us why.

However, the ONLY reason why the Phils beat L.A. last year was because Derek Lowe could not protect 2-run leads in each of his two starts and Chad Billingsley's command was zilch in his two starts.

If anyone bothered to look at the stats (or, what the heck, actually watch the '08 NLCS), it WASN'T about the Dodgers being too reliant on Manny (Kemp and Loney each batted better than .300 in the series).

And, the Phillies winning a series IS NOT contingent on Rollins and Victorino getting on base and creating havoc (as proved by J-Rol and the Flyin' Hawaiian batting a combined .180 -- 7 for 39 -- in last year's NLCS).

Living in a world of hypothetical theoreticals and theoretical supposition is a lonely place to die -- particularly when we're on the brink of The Iraq everywhere such as.

As we've seen in the past -- and as we'll discover in the future -- Miss Teen South Carolina was incoherent ... but she'll prove to be 11 times more coherent than anybody on "Baseball Tonight."

b

Phillie NLDS Game 2 FAQs

2009-10-08T22:01:00.007-11:00

The 76 extra fans which were shoehorned into The Cit today -- surpassing yesterday's stadium record of 46,452 -- should've chanted for a curtain call from all of their Phillie action heroes after Shane Victorino's soft liner landed softly in Clint Barmes' glove for the game's final out.

OH, YEAH? WHY'ZAT?
'Cuz unless the Fightin's earn a split in mile-high Colorado over the weekend, today was the final game at The Cit for 2009 (which isn't that bad, all things considered, given that the radiance of '08 will keep us warm for many winters to come, et cetera ... )

IS THE IMPLICATION HERE THAT PEDRO AND BLANTON MIGHT NOT GET IT DONE DURING THAT SNOWBALL FIGHT SAT./SUN IN DENVER -- AND, THUS, CLIFF LEE WON'T BE STARTING IN GAME 5 BEFORE A RECORD CROWD OF 45,600-PLUS AT THE CIT?
Yes ... that is the implication.

IS THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY NAMED DEXTER FOWLER WAS A ONE-MAN WRECKING CREW TODAY?
Exactly. Dex had that sac bunt in the 1st which got somebody named Gonzalez to 3rd base for Helton's 27-foot, RBI tapper. Then, Dex broke everybody's hearts with that sac fly to LF before re-breaking everybody's heart with that sac fly to RF for the final Rocky run.

HOW MANY TIMES IN 12 YRS. DIDJA GO TO THE ROCKY RUN AT THE 175/DOBBIN ROAD JUNCTION BEFORE IT WENT OUTTA BUSINESS?
Three ... maybe four.

WHAT WENT WRONG THERE? THAT PLACE ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL.
Perhaps it was the Dept. of Health which had the final say.

SPEAKING OF 'WHAT WENT WRONG,' DIDN'T COLBERT'S BODY LANGUAGE SEEM ENTIRELY MESSED-UP TODAY?
It's been wrong ever since the day that GM Biology Major didn't pull the trigger on that "Hamels For Halladay" (straight-up!) deal on July 31. Colbert Hamels -- some of us call him "Colbert" (maybe as a tribute to the way that nobody ever called Colbert Dale "Toby" Harrah by his given first name) -- continued his usual '09 trend of looking "off-kilter," particularly when that Torrealba guy (the Mrs. mistakenly called him "Telemundo" yesterday ... not long after she asked, "Who names their kid 'Yorvit'?" -- to which the comeback was, "Who names their kid 'Spillborghs'?") ... wait ... where were we?

COLBERT VS. YORVIT ... OR HAMELS FOR HALLADAY, STRAIGHT UP. WAIT A SECOND ... THE JAYS NEVER WOULDA BIT ON THAT DEAL, WOULD THEY HAVE?
Sure they would've. Initially, we read all about how the Jays might deal Halladay, if the Phils put together a package of Happ, Drabek and/or prized outfield prospects Michael Taylor and/or Dominic Brown. After GM Biology Major shipped pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Jason Knapp, shortstop Jason David and catcher Lou Marson to Cleveland for Cliff Lee and Ben Francisco, he still had ammo to get Halladay.

WHO EXACTLY?
Hamels ... "the established star" (wink, wink). For those of us who KNEW that Hamels would go from 7-5 at the trade deadline to 3-6 during his final 12 regular-season starts, this was a sucker deal. GM Biology Major could've held onto the youngsters and dumped the P who has years n' years ahead of 12-10, 11-11, 13-12, 12-12, 11-12, 12-12, 13-11, and acquired Halladay, even if he has only five or six more 15-7 seasons left in the tank.

WHAT IF THE JAYS HAD BALKED AT THE "STRAIGHT-UP" PART?
No biggie ... toss in the proverbial "players to be named later" -- y'know, guys such as catcher Tuffy Gosewisch (.218 / 3 / 34 playin' for mgr. Razor Shines' Clearwater Threshers last season) or maybe even the newly-acquired Ben Francisco.
Don't get all whiny and pissy ... be creative ...

NOW COLBERT IS PHILLY'S PROBLEM FOR THE NEXT (x) YEARS. GOODY GUMDROPS (OR "FRICKIN'-A") ...
Halladay wouldn't have served up a big, ol' lollipop which Orbit Telemundo could jack into the LF seats.
Alas, we cannot lament about the pitchers we don't have ... but, we can make sure that Colbert never replaces Arnulfo "Nino" Espinosa's name as the No. 35 on the All-Time Phillies Roster which exists in here (pointing to head, where the brain dwells) and in here (pointing to chest, where the heart beats).

SHOULD WE BOTHER TO SPEND THE NEXT (x) YEARS WONDERING WHAT COLBERT'S PROBLEM IS (aside from the fact that baseballreference.com has his name as Cole Michael Hamels and not "Colbert")???
No need -- 'cuz, bascially, deep down, Colbert knows that none of us really has any faith in him. The guy was 0-2/8.38 in those final two regular-season starts before today (both at home ... vs. Hou. and Fla.). And, aside from the 3-0, CG masterpiece at L.A. and the 1-0 gem vs. Frisco, he's been a big pile of Not King Cole this season. In fact, most of what he did this year can best be categorized as either Ruffinish or Carmanesque.

AREN'T WE REQUIRED, BY LAW, TO CUT NOT-KING-COLE SOME SLACK BECAUSE OF LAST YEAR'S POSTSEASON AND BECAUSE HEIDI, AT ANY MOMENT NOW, WILL SQUEEZE OUT OF HER UTERUS A BABY WHO'LL RECEIVE A VERRRRRRY LAME-O NAME, SUCH AS 'MADISON' OR 'CASSIDY' OR 'CONNER' OR 'MADISON' OR 'COLBERTINA'?
Ethically ... "yes." Legally? "No fuckin' way."
The good neighbor policy applies only to State Farm.
"Get the fuckin' lead out, Ace!"
There's nuthin' in the rules about some sort of 3-yr. grace period for postseason glory. And, as per expectant fathers, Cholly shoulda pulled the kid aside and told him that the cut-off date for banging is Dec. 31, so as to avoid Oct. "due dates." Seriously ... that's piss-poor planning.
Also ... if Hammels For Halladay had happened, the Phils would have only Heidi Dobbs as a Phillie Wife Named Heidi ... which is OK, 'cuz she's miles better lookin' than the Heidi who should be giving birth at a Toronto hospital at any time now (if she's not on a Waiting Room waiting list ... it's Canada, don'tcha know ... ).

WHAT WAS THE BIG YOKEL'S BIG IDEA, TROTTING OUT EVERYBODY ON THE PITCHING STAFF -- AND NOT TROTTING CLAY CONDREY OUT THERE TO OFFER HIS UNIQUE CONDREYISTIC BRILLIANCE TO THE FRAY?
That was weird ... kinda like an open tryout out there.
"Here, Joe Blanton ... get yer ass out there. Here, Brett Myers, give 'er a whirl!"
The Blanton Bullpen Experiment (one relief appearance -- w/ the A's -- since his rookie season of '04) looked kinda shaky ... and Myers has looked wobbly ever since he had that one horrific outing vs. the Mets on that FOX Saturday game. Condrey, on the other hand (after missing almost 2 full mos. on the DL), pitched very well in his 9 apps. during the Phils' final 16 gms. (a whopping 5 IP, but 0 ER). The "Manuel Mix N' Match Program" looks real hodge-podge at best ... particularly when Myers got yanked for Antonio Bastardo, the rookie who'd pitched one inning since his five interesting starts in June (2-3/6.75).

THAT WAS INSANE. CHOLLY YANKED A VETERAN (MYERS) TO INSERT A ROOKIE FOR HIS LEFTY-VS.-LEFTY MATCHUP (SINCE HE'D ALREADY USED HAPP AND EYRE). EXPLAIN THAT.
Ya can't. But, son of a bitch ... The Big Bastard vs. The Giambino worked out in the Phils' favour when an un-HGH'ed Giambino whiffed.

IN RETROSPECT, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT VICTORINO'S SOFT LINER LANDED GENTLY IN BARMES' GLOVE BECAUSE IF THE BALL HAD ELUDED BARMES, THERE'D'VE BEEN A PLAY AT THE PLATE -- AND PINCH-RUNNER CLIFF LEE MIGHT'VE GOTTEN RACKED UP.
Deploying Cliff Lee as a pinch-runner ... another prime example of how ineffective the Phillies' bench has been all year. Matt Stairs has been USELESS, but he -- like Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge -- are ridin' high on the fumes of 2008.

STAIRS' NUMBERS THIS YEAR WERE GRUESOME -- BUT, YOU'LL STILL FIND IDIOTS HOLDING UP DORKY, HANDMADE SIGNS WHICH READ: "In Case Of Emergency, Use Stairs."
Apparently, we're supposed to have a parade down Main Street every day for Matt Stairs just because of that one swing at Dodger Stadium on that GROOVED fastball from Broxton. FYI: Since July 1, Stairs batted .082 -- and he went ohhh-for-30 from the time he hit that homer in the wild win over the Pirates 'til his grand slam vs. the Nats. And, he got to bat cleanup on Fan Appreciation Day, going 0x4 w/ 3 Ks.

HOPEFULLY, HE'LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR TO PROVIDE VITAL "LEADERSHIP."
And to allow pitchers to "get involved" with pinch-running assignments. You'd think that if we're not going to see Clay Condrey in middle relief, we'd at least get to see him try to score from second on a soft single to RF.
On second thought, save the $$$ -- and when it's time for a pinch-hitter, keep Stairs in the dugout wearing his short-sleeve batting shirt. Seriously, didja see the way that Cliff Lee has swung the bat since arriving in Philly?
There's some real raw talent there.

TODAY WAS A REAL SETBACK AFTER YESTERDAY'S CLIFF LEE MASTERPIECE, WASN'T IT?.
It definitely woulda looked nicer with a Halladay W and a 2-0 series lead heading West.

ON TOP OF THAT, WE PROBABLY WON'T AGAIN SEE RYAN HOWARD WEARING THOSE FUNKY ADIDAS SHOES HE WAS WEARING THE PAST TWO DAYS W/ THE PHILLIE RETRO ATTIRE WHICH THEY WEAR FOR DAY GAMES.
Right now, let's just wait n' see what the team can do in sno-cone conditions ... and if Ryan Howard will be wearing any style of cleat after this weekend ...

b

SteelTown Justice Served in NFL Opener & Gala)

2009-09-10T22:27:00.010-11:00

666 666 666 6666 6666 ==== ===== SINCE THE NFL GAME DIDN'T KICK OFF UNTIL 8:30, SHOULDN'T WE DISCUSS HOW AMERICA SAW SOME HISTORY MADE DURING THE Coll.FB APPETIZER OVER ON THE DISNEYLAND FOOTBALL CHANNEL?

Definitely ... although America probably hasn't stopped buzzing about how, on Mon. nite, it was the Miami PK in shiny green cleats vs. the FSU PK wearing gold slippers and then -- tonite! -- we witnessed another Football First when we noticed that G-Tech QB Jonathan Nesbitt was wearing a Plexiglas shield on his facemask and so was Clemson QB Kyle Parker.

THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, HAS IT?
"QB shield vs. QB shield"?
It's never happened on the college level ... and certainly not in prime time. The only other time it MIGHT have occurred was back in the early '90s when Dan McGwire of the Seahawks might've played against Jim McMahon of the Eagles. What wouldss dddkkskk kkdkdks QB shield vs. QB shield.

Turns out that the TWO in 32 looked like (below, L) rather than the (below, R), which is the kind that we practiced drawing in math class (or social studies) when we weren't staring over at Lisa (or Renee).

. . . . 22222 . . . . . . . . . . . . 222222
. . . 2222222 . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . 222 . .. 222 . . . . . . . 222 . . . . 2222
. . 222 . . . 222 . . . . . . .222 . . . . 2222
. . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2222
. . . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .222222222
. . . . .. 222 . . . . . . . . . . .22222222
. . . . 222 . . . . . . . . . . 222 . . . . . . . . .
. . 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 2222 . . . .22 . . . . . . 222 . . . . . .222
.. 22222222222 . . . . .. 2222222222222
. 22222222222 . . . . . . 2222222222222

It was so embarrassing . /e//eee
eewewww

Fightin's Victimize Some Guy Named "Clipboard"

2009-09-09T04:03:00.000-11:00

Thanks to Werth and Feliz goin' back-to-back to open the 8th (snapping the 4-4 tie) -- and with another shaky bullpen episode -- the Phils, once again, held on for a narrow victory over The MLB's Class-AAA affiliate on the bank of the Anacostia River.

For those of us who followed the action on-line, then watched the ballgame later on "Nats Encore" on Comcast, the synapses are firing.

GODDAMN, DID WERTH FRICKIN' CRUSH THAT BALL TO DEAD CENTER OR WHAT?
No doubt ... THAT was a fuckin' warhead. It achieved "Mammoth Blast Status."

STILL, WHAT IS IT ABOUT WERTH'S SWING WHICH PUZZLES US SO?
Mechanically, it's a mess. He looks like he's using a shovel to hit a two-handed tennis backhand.

REMEMBER HOW WE DOGGED BURRELL FOR ALL THOSE YEARS ... HOW HE HAD THAT EXAGGERATED, ONE-HANDED "OLE!" FINISH?
Exactly. When Werth follows through, he looks as tangled up as Bake McBride or Von Hayes did when they swung and missed. Burrell was a little different since he had a hitting-area red zone which was the size of a postage stamp. Which is why he was/is a .255-or-whatever career hitter. Werth, like Burrell, is patient (JW, we think, still leads The MLB in "pitches per AB"), so he will wait on a pitch to crush (which he oftentimes gets). Since he doesn't have a quick bat, he's not going to foul off many 2-strike pitches. But, if he's up 2-0 or 3-1 in the count ... look out.

SO, IS HE BETTER THAN PAT THE BUNNY?
God, yes. He's fleet, he's a nifty fielder, it doesn't require consecutive ground-rule doubles to score him from third ... He might not average upper-20 HRs for the next 7 seasons, but he's more werth-while than Burrell ever was.

WASN'T IT SAD THAT A PITCHER NAMED "CLIPBOARD" WAS VICTIMIZED SO THOROUGHLY, ESPECIALLY BY FELIZ?
Not at all. Clipboard's just another juco pitcher tryin' to survive on The MLB level.

DIBBLE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WASTING HIS BREATH ON PITCHING STRATEGIES DURING THE FIRST THREE INNINGS AS THE PHILS WERE PECKING GARRETT MOCK (WHOEVER HE IS) TO DEATH.
Baseball is overwrought by that nowadays -- ex-players, ex-GMs w/ sex addictions, etc. trapped between the gravitational pull of the planets Theoretica and Hypothetica. A douche such as Dibble kills viewers brain cells by reciting the do's and don'ts of some antiquated pitching guidelines.

SO, THE "DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT" GUIDELINES ARE NOT THE PROPER METHOD?
Not when ya ain't got no stuff. Look ... the mental approach can be massaged to death in a rules-n'-regulations paradigm. "Get yer breaking ball over to set up the fastball ... " "Work up and down and in n' out ... " "Get ahead of the hitters ... " "Throw yer fastball for strikes to set-up the off-speed stuff ..." IT'S ALL GARBAGE. Guys like Garrett Mock and Tyler Clipboard will always have ERAs in the 5.00 and 6.00 range because they have one good fastball out of every 7 thrown (by "good" we mean "movement ... late action ... tailing ... always tailing ... "). Preaching "The Rules of Pitching" to these guys is like handing the baseball to your niece and saying, "Heather (unless her name is Caitlin) trust yer stuff and get this guy out, OK?"

THEN, WHAT WE'RE SAYING HERE IS THAT GARRETT MOCK AND THAT CLIPBOARD GUY ARE NO BETTER THAN A NIECE NAMED HEATHER OR POSSIBLY CAITLIN?
Precisely. Every time those P's retire a batter, the Nats should throw a frickin' parade down Main Street. The raw talent simply isn't there. It isn't for a lot of pitchers. Lookit Brad Penny.

YEAH, WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT GUY SPENDING AUGUST TOSSIN' SLOP TOWARD THE PLATE FOR THE BOSOX ... THEN HE GOES TO THE GIANTS, COMES INTO PHILLY AND THROWS 8 SHUTOUT INNINGS LAST WEEK?
Well, he is a former All-Star ... but, the only thing that the initials "B.P." stood for in Boston, was the in-game "batting practice" that Penny was pitchin'. He, obviously, relocated "his stuff" and, apparently, his confidence (or some floor wax to huff before the game).

ISN'T THAT AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION?
It certainly is, Stanley. But, Dibble's just as dismissive when he's tellin' us that the correct mental approach makes pitching pretty easy. The complex nature of mental makeup and physical tools is why guys who clock 100 MPH and guys who drive a truck for a living have exactly the same number of "quality starts" -- zero.

b

The Most-Powerful 010203040506070809 Ever!

2009-07-08T00:21:00.003-11:00

Normally, birthdays are so trite and passe -- except for today.

Because today's symbolism of Biblical import has made it more than merely a birthday which I share w/ luminaries such as JACK LAMBERT (tied w/ Willie Lanier as NFL's best MLB ever ... sorry, Mr. Butkus -- and "get bent," Ray Lewis), KEVIN BACON (star of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon phenomenon), LERRIN LaGROW (known more for being the target of the bat which Campy Campaneris helicoptered his way during the '72 playoffs rather than the 8-19 record for the Tigers in '74 or 7-14 mark for the Tigers in '75, not to mention the 0-2 blight on the '80 World Champion Phillies' record) and JOAN OSBORNE (although we were born on the same day in 1962, I don't listen to her music and she doesn't read this weblog, so there!).

Anyway, at exactly 3.040506 seconds past 1:02 A.M. on this day -- and, I do mean at EGG-ZAKK-LEE (as in "precisely") 3.040506 seconds -- as well as at exactly 3.04050506 seconds past 1:02 P.M., the actual Earth Time on the actual Earth Scoreboard will read: 01:02.03.040506 on 07/08/09.

That's not a typo or an optical illusion ... it's a binary equation (whatever a binary equation is) which reads a mind-blowing 010203040506070809 -- and that's a helluva lot more-powerful cosmic force than what'll happen next year when it's 10.10 seconds past 10-after-10 on Oct. 10th.

101010101010 ...

How trivial.

What's happening today kinda makes ya wanna go out and buy a giant HAPPY 010203040506070809, EARTH!! balloon and carry it proudly as you walk about the dusty streets of this neighborhood which God has forsaken, doesn't it?

As it stands, 010203040506070809 is the only thing that some of us have to hang onto ever since the Mrs. refused to wait 11 mos. to get married, thus denying us the symbolic (and probably Biblical) 9/9/99 wedding day with the accompanying 09/09/09 10th wedding anniversary.

Some wives never understand -- and, besides, 010203040506070809 looks/sounds/feels a lot more cool than what'll occur two months from now (at 9.0909090909 seconds past 9:09 AM and 9:09 PM on Sept. 9 when the EarthClock/EarthCalendar will coincide with a significant 090909090909090909090909090909.

Whaddya mean, "big deal"???

When it's 2 1/4 yrs from now and it's 11.111111 seconds past 11:11 in the morning and/or evening, there'll be dozens of 111111111111111111111111111'ers out there (and 9999999999999'ers) who'll be WISHIN' they were as cool as 010203040506070809.

Which is why we're celebratin' today -- 'cuz we can't remember if we were this jubilant or cosmos-aware at 4-and-a-half seconds past 1:23 in the morning and/or afternoon on June 7, 1989 when the Giant EARTH Register logged an official 0123456789. Which won't happen again until June 7, 2089 when it's 0123456789 all over again.

As we're all waitin' for the next 010203040506070809, which'll occur a little more than 30 yrs. (in 2109) after that next 123456789.

If Earth can survive that long ...

++++

Draft Dodging '09

2009-04-25T16:05:00.004-11:00

This could be almost as enjoyable as The GRT recap of what happens every time that chronic bedwetter (presumably) McShay or Kiper's Bouffant Hairdo opens his mouth [ 1) "This is what I learned in business school ... when I read about business school ... in a book ..." >>> 2) "George, you must exercise the gaskets!" >>> 3) "You talkin' to me? YOU ... talkin' ... to me?" (smiles ... looks at camera) "Pacino ... Raging Bull ..." ]

Goddamn, those were great moments in NFL Drafts past.

Now -- in the Stafford/Sanchez deluxe yawnfest -- every time McShay opens his mouth, all that comes out is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."

Seriously, how is McShay's analysis any more coherent, not to mention "on target"?

ANSWER: "It ain't." (Although it's not the same w/o Mario Lopez pulling the mike away and saying, "Thank you, South Carolina," as he steps back into the shadows.

For the umpteenth time, McShay's a fuckin' idiot who was hired to be one of the fuckin' morons in that Disneyland Sports Channel circus sideshow.

If McShay used a Donald Duck voice to offer his analysis, it would be the same as what we see/hear currently.

[NOTE: It seems like a fairly-educated guesstimate that McShay's only up-close-and-personal experience with "football" (presumably) was when he saw a naked football player in the locker room during high school and he didn't feel THAT guilty for staring -- and then there was that time in college when that cheerleader from two doors down was studying with a friend on the east wing of the dorm and, since she left her door unlocked, guess who wandered in and jacked off on her bedspread?]

Really ... aside from the fact that most waiters at Outback Steakhouse are 20 times more athletic and know more about the NFL (and tonight's specials!) than McShay, he's probably a really mediocre guy.

So, when Americans with a functioning brain wonder about The New Messiah, they might pull out their cue cards and ask, "Did this ordinary fuck ever make a big throw in a big game for Jo-Ja? Do we have to go all the way back to Tarkenton to find any Jo-Ja QB who ever did anything in the NFL? Didja know that a fourth-string Jo-Ja QB named Hines Ward had more yards passing in a bowl game -- 450, by the way -- than Stafford?"

All yer gonna git is, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, somma people out there in our nation that don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uh, our education OVER HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S. or er should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our [INAUDIBLE >>>] children ..."

That's 'cuz The Shay don't know football.

Never did.

That's no reason for the guy with the sci-fi-movie hairdo (Kiper) to have a smirk on his face.

Just once, it might be fun if he reduced his cliches-per-answer to 38 (the best ever came a few years ago when he uttered, "Once the running game solidifies itself" -- which could not have been more-vague or more-tangetally obscure >>> meaning it was simply buzzword bullshit).

Since Mel is virtually impossible for Disneyland to fire (meaning that he haas this gig FOR LIFE), what would be wrong with some material which is a little more edgy.

Y'know, talkin' 'bout Sanchez in terms such as, "You look at a guy like Mark Sanchez ..." -- (EVERY Kiper thumbnail HAS to begin that way ... it's THE LAW!) -- and he reminds you of something in between an Elvis Grbac or a Mike Tomczak ... or, for you oldtimers out there, maybe something along the lines of a Milt Plum or a Gary Cuozzo ... it's gonna be fun to see what it's like the first time a linebacker rips off Sanchez's head and pisses down Mark's neck ... You think this guy is gonna do more in Jets green than Richard Todd? No fuckin' way. ... And, what about the last two Jets QBs to wear number 6? That's right ... Bubby Fuckin' Brister and Ray Lucas, kids ... Ohhh, but I'm sure QB guru Steve Clarkson did a bang-up job with Sanchez's mechanics ... some pussy who couldn't cut it with Saskatchewan in the CFL 25 years ago is gonna tell Sanch what it takes to succeed in the NFL, that makes a lotta fuckin' sense, doesn't it? ... either way, Sanch is gonna be extra mediocre in New York until Terrelle Pryor arrives, saves the organization and breaks most of Vince Young's NFL records ... oh, and, 'yeah' ... Sanch is likely to win a playoff game or two for Tampa Bay in '13 or '14 ... if he beats out Jimmy Clausen for the starting job ... and if H-back Tim Tebow can ever get healthy ..."

That duo is like a two-headed Fuck Herbstreit, THE all-time cliche ejaculator.

"Kirk, tell us about receivers who catch the ball AT ITS HIGHEST POINT ... 'cuz we really really really wanna know which receiver has a vertical leap of 80-100 inches, thereby allowing him to catch a pass which, AT ITS HIGHEST POINT, might be 16-18 feet above the playing field ... "

The correct term is "at the apex of one's leap" ...

The Niners got Crabtree?

Awesome!

J.J. Stokes, Part II!

It's some mighty severe dumbfuckology we've got goin' on there.
Not enough learning about the NFL ... by reading about it in a book ...
Not enough exercising of the gaskets ...
Maybe too much watchin' "Raging Bull" and wunderin' where Pacino is ...

b

Play-In Satisfaction: MORE HEAD!

2009-03-17T16:13:00.008-11:00

Lousyville head coach Pricktino -- the Imperial Wizard of the #1 team in The Land -- ordered his players to watch the play-in game -- and, when it was over, he instructed them to get their minds right for Morehead.

A little later, many of those players spent a school night (unless it's Spring Break, I dunno) gettin' themselves more head.

'Cuz that's what play-yuhz on a new #1 team be doin'.

Gettin' more head.

Yes-indeedee ... Phil Simms U. dispatched that program (Alabama State) which we hope we never hear from again -- unless, of course, instead of a player named Grlenntys Chief Kickingtstallionsims, 'Bama State lands a recruit named Lieutenantcolonel Thrashinghammerheadjones, III.

As it was, Chief BirminghamstallionsofthedefunctUSFL didn't do much with his 7-foot-1 frame (0-3 FG, 2 rebs., 3 blk., 0 pts.) -- and Menji Mundadi wasn't much help (2 shots, both 3's, missed 'em both) in one of the worst rec-league games ever televised (despite Pusburger's 40 yrs. in broadcasting and Erin Andrews' 36-C's).

It might've been worth a hearty chuckle if a dozen MSU fans had circled Erin and began a chant of "MORE HEAD! MORE HEAD!" -- justifying their behaviour as "completely appropriate" when those who aren't hip to MSU school spirit questioned the "ritual" (read: public humiliation and/or human sacrifice).

As per the NCAA Intramural Invitational: The teams combined to shoot 36 of 108 ... 6 of 30 "from distance" ... w/ 21 turnovers for Morehead ... and 5-12 FT for 'Bama State.

"Onions!"

If ya spent more than 3 mins. watching, you either burned your retinas -- or you were thinking that more head from Lavin (in hi-def!) would've been better than quote-unquote "that shit."

Of course, if someone was bold enough to spend a minute or three over on Disneyland Sports 2 (watchin' the NIT w/ ND-UAB), he/she might've noticed that the crowd at N.D.'s Joyce Center was deader than Myles Brand's pancreas.

Yeah ... we understand that it's spring break and that the students who didn't go home are probably all huffing bars of Irish Spring and getting wasted at the Irish pub of their choosing in South BendOver.

Still, ya woulda figured that the crowd would've been a little more amped re: the dribbling acumen of Kyle McAlarney.

McAlarney is a very good dribbler.
Sooooo stylish ...
Bounce-bounce-bounce goes the ball ...
That kid's electric ...

"Onions!"

(OH, AND BY THE WAY ... THE NOTRE DUMB FARTING IRISH WERE, HANDS DOWN, THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN COLLEGE B-BALL IN '08/'09. A TOTAL FUCKING MYSTERY -- LOOK, NOBODY'S SAYIN' THAT ST. PATTY'S STATE IS A BUNCH OF PUSSIES (well, okay ... maybe we are ... "the proof is in the pudding" ... which is about as "soft" as N.D. was this season ... pudding ...) >>> OR MAYBE THE BLAME FALLS DIRECTLY ON MIKE BREY'S CLASSIC-AND-EXPENSIVE MOCK T's WHICH HE WEARS UNDER THAT BLAZER ... AND THERE GOES McALARNEY! ... BOUNCE-BOUNCE-BOUNCE GOES THE BALL ... LOOKIT THAT KID DRIBBLE DRIBBLE DRIBBLE ... WILL THAT STYLISH DRIBBLING BEST SUIT HIM NEXT YEAR IN MADRID OR ALBANIA?)

We're in for a doozy of offensive pyrotechnics in the days ahead ("on the offensive side of the ball" say Herb Kirkstreit and/or Todd McShame and/or Mel Kiper's Bouffant).

It's a pity that a coach can't pull Chef Killingpalaminosmith aside and quietly tell him, "It'd be nice if you got yer fuckin' 7-foot frame to actually care about what the fuck yer doin' out there," but, alas ... this is P.C.merica, so it's, "Swell job, big fella!"

Not around here, though.
Mild Marchness is quashed in its entirety as another Steeler DVD goes into the DVD player.

It's how we wash our hands of any personal involvement (particularly when that USA-Puerto Rico WBC epic finish is on the MLB Network, rather than DisneyTime TV).

Sorry 'bout that, Colonel Kissingscallionsims ...

Now, gotta get outta here before Digger's flourescent necktie and flourescent highlighter pen show up and pretend-to-know/begin-to-explain something/anything about more head ...

b

Bracket Racket: "Jribble Jrive, Jrue!"

2009-03-15T22:08:00.009-11:00

Any time we see NCAA b-ball brackets which look this totally awesome, it usually means that the stage is set for the funnest tournament ever. *

(* -- "funnest," in this case, might actually be a euphemism for "biggest pile of shit," but your mileage may vary ...)

Of course, for this to be the funnest tourney of the Y2Ks for FUCLA (Final 4 appearances the previous three seasons), we'll need to see if Jrue Holiday is up to the challenge.

How so?

BY TAKIN' IT TO THE RACK ... WITH THE JRIBBLE JRIVE!!!

God-frickin'-dammit-all ... this is gonna be the most off-the-hook tournament in the history of the universe ... what, with Chief Kickingstallionsims in the play-in game on Tues. and then Jrue Holiday jrainin' the jumper!

In fact, the only way this tourney could be any more awesomer than it'll already be would be if they used the same prop that the ol' MTV Rock N' Jock b-ball contests had back in the day -- a regular hoop-and-backboard paradigm, but with a ANOTHER HOOP (and net!) anchored to the top of the backboard.

For anyone who put a shot through ... 5 POINTS!

Digger: "Team X can get back in this game -- but only if they spread the court and hit those quintuples!"

Lavin: "Diagonal passing ..."

Raftery: "Send it in, Jerome!"

Wait ... when the flock did we start talking about "Jerome"?
This is 'sposed to be about Jrue.
And the jribble jrive ...
And jrainin' the jumper ...
Or jrawin' the foul ...
In jramatic fashion ..
While jrenched with sweat ...
In the huge win against Jrexel ...
Before the jrunk jrivin' arrest the night before the NBA Jraft ...
And gettin' jropped from the Grizzlies' wish list ...

By the way, what ever happened to the common spelling of the name "Jrue"?
Y'know ... "J-R-E-W"?
Ring any bells?

And, by the way (again), if Jribble-Jrive Jrue can't get it done with his jribble-jrivin' and his J-jrainin', dare we put all of our eggs into the basket of Steffphon Pettigrew of Western Kentucky?

That would be the logical move -- but only if Sttefffphhonn Petttigrrew was goin' one-on-one vs. Blaise Ffrench (now that we don't have Chief Kickingstallionsims to kick around any more).

WTF? Somebody somewhere said that Blaise Ffrench and his UTEP Miner teammates are playing in something called "the College Basketball Invitational Tournament" (which, from what they tell us, is approx. three notches below the I.M. hoops at most campuses).

Seriously ... Blaise Ffrench has two F's on the frontside of his last name.

Some people might opine that Jrue and Steffphon and Ffrench have names which are ffuckking idiotic -- but, those people are close-minded to the concept of The MTV 5-Point Shot.

And, maybe in those folks' office pools, they can't decide which way to lean on that breathtaking first-rounder.

ZAGS vs. ZIPS!

The first place to turn re: handicapping this barnburner (before we get jrowsy and jrift off to sleep) is Disneyland's B-Ball Channel ... and that 6-headed braintrust.

WHEN ______ MAKES THEIR SHOTS, THEY'RE AS GOOD AS ANY TEAM IN THE COUNTRY.

________ NEEDS TO REBOUND.

______ CAN'T TURN THE BALL OVER OR THEY'LL BE IN TROUBLE.

IT'LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE IF _______ CAN MATCH _______'S PHYSICALITY.

_________ HAS TO MAKE THEIR FREE THROWS OR THEY'LL BE IN TROUBLE.

________ HAS TREMENDOUS LENGTH (this one belongs to Atty. Bilas -- and since "height" is how we measure how tall a team is and "physicality" is how we measure a team's athleticism and toughness, it seems as though "length" is how we measure the size of the players' dongs ... nice work, Jay ... "permission to treat as hostile, Your Honour?")

IF ______ MAKES THEIR THREES, THEY'LL GO FAR.

________ PLAYS WITH A LOT OF COURAGE.

________ PLAYS WITH A LOT OF PASSION.

_______ HAS TO MAKE THEIR THREES ... AND NOT TURN THE BALL OVER ... AND REBOUND ...

________ IS A TERRIFIC COACH.

Gotta love the hoop-speak Mad Lib ...

Since Digger and Vitale are bigger spin doctors than most politician's PR staffs, we're never going to real opinions such as "_______ PLAYS LIKE A BIG PUSSY" ("I never said he IS a pussy ... he just plays like one") or "______ IS WORTHLESS AS A COACH" ("I never said he was worthless as an individual ... he just can't coach, that's all"), we're resigned to saying, "It is what it is" and then clicking the TV remote to something other than the soft-serve, creamy nonsense in a waffle cone which coll. BB dishes out.

Dickie V. maybe doesn't remember the MTV 5-point shot, but he'll sell ya lollipops and balloons, anyway.

Love that egghead. He reads from his Mad Libs sheet and says roughly the same 10 things each game.

(Note: The all-time best-ever description of a college b-ball star was offered almost 20 yrs. ago when Stanford's Aussie import Andrew Vlahov -- a thick, tough-as-nails power forward w/ a handshake like a vise-grip which he used to help the Cardinal win the '91 NIT title -- told my Mrs. that one of his teammates "squats when he pees" ... a quote which works best when used w/ either a real or fake Aussie accent)

We've got a lot of fellas in this tournament who squat when they pee (punchline: "... and when they're ready to take a dump, they stand upright and shit their shorts at the free-throw line.")

Some people figured that when President Oprah came into power, he'd clean up this frickin' mess.

Alas, President Oprah's father is a Kenyan dude -- and Kenyans have never had any pull in this tournament ... not the way that Sudanese refugees (such as Duany Duany and Kueth Duany) and Cameroonian tribesmen (such as Luc Richard Mbah a Moute or Frank Tchuisi) or Senegalese warlords (such as Bamba Fall, Samba Fall and Papa Dia) or Tanzanian superstars (such as Hasheem Thabeet) or the Nigerians (such as Olajuwon, Okafor and that guy Okalija) have.

Kenya might have had some teams which have won the Jungle Ball Invitational or the Congo Holiday Classic, but they can't hang w/ the American game.

Hence, the only way to dress up this pom-pom bore-a-thon is to bring back the Sheraton commercials from last season's tourney.

When Sorrycuse fan uses his forefinger to dab at the bleu cheese splotch on Georgeclown fan's moustache ... CHUBBY ALERT!

That is ... if you're gay.

If you're straight and interested in legit competition, you're gettin' your mind right because the Stanley Cup playoffs are right around the corner.

There's a red line and a blue line, but no 3-point line.

Gotta fix that.
Better use a jrill and a screwjriver.
Oh, and don't forget the jropcloth.
Or it's gonna be a real jrag ...

###

Overtime Crime (Times 6)

2009-03-13T08:36:00.018-11:00

Ordinarily, when a game is tied following 40 minutes of regulation and five 5-minute OT sessions as the clock inches past 1 a.m., it's not difficult to imagine the typical American male lying in bed, checkin' out the action, glancing over at his lover (or life partner) and whispering, "Howzabout lettin' me nail you the way that Devendork is nailin' those J's."

It's almost impossible for that girl --- be it your spouse, someone else's spouse, a hooker (high-priced or crackhead) -- or that fella (be it closet gay, street hustler, NAMBLA text-message teen) to resist such a zinger of a hook and NOT slip off those scivvies and oblige.

Just goes to show -- a Thursday Night With Devendork tastes better when it turns into a Friday Morning With Devendork.

(Hint: So as nuthin' ends up "prematire," it's always best when you're "almost there" to close yer eyes and envision Boeheim ... sorta like the way he gives it to America up the poop chute every time his team takes the court)

It is ironic, isn't it? When an MLB game goes 17 or 18 innings, not too many Americans would ever call that "epic" or "Biblical" (although the same can't be said of the NFL or NHL because of the important element we know as "sudden death").

However, when an abortion of a ballgame betwixt Sorrycuse and AirCon goes deep into the night and when the afterbirth finally plops onto the asphalt in the wee hours (1:25 or thereabouts) of a Friday morning, it can often elicit powerful emotions from ESPN's play-by-play guy who called that game -- Pom-Pom Sean.

McDonough recapped the messiness in the following manner:
"We were especially privileged to be a part this et cetera et cetera et cetera, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda ..."

And, don't forget:
"We throw around words like 'courage' and 'heroic,' et cetera, et cetera and so forth and so on ... "

Seems as though Sean might've forgotten the word "bravery."
And "valour" ...
And "honour" ...
And "dignity" ...
And "fortitude" ...
And "passion" ...
And "zero grams trans-fat" ...

At first, it seemed as though Sean McDonough and much of America had completely lost their marbles, given that this was only a basketball game and nuthin' more.

Not mesothelioma research ...
Not mine-sweeping in Afghanistan ...

But, upon closer inspection, maybe America actually IS ready to embrace Devendork as its new B-Ball Messiah, just as it has embraced a Kenyan-American as its White House main squeeze.

40-Minute Devendork is nice ... but, Sextuple-OT Devendork ... that's a major chubby (although, when ya get right down to it, we can always DVR Devendork any time we want and then create a DVR Devendork Weekend Marathon ... as in "Devendork On Demand").

That kid's larger than life.
A little like Van Damme and Vin Deisel rolled into one.

Eric DeeVanDamme ...
Eric DeeVinDiesel.

And, isn't that what makes America (In Crisis) great?
Like Van Damme and Vin Diesel, DeeVanDamme isn't very talented, but, what makes him cuddly is the pasty-skin, the incomplete beard, the sleepy-eyed facial expression w/ mouth slightly agape and -- "wait for it" ... those tatts!

Yummy, yummy, yummy ...

When he leaped onto the courtside media table after he presumed that his end-of-regulation J had just made him King Of The Universe ... that was pure magic from The Deev.

Like the night before when he was talkin' shit, drainin' J's and then posin' with vanilla gangstuh gestures ...

"All y'all ... "

God bless, America ... and this (once-proud) nation under God is powerful because WE THE PEOPLE have forgiven Devendork for past indiscretions ... which is how Boeheim got Devendork's punching-in-the-face of a chick downgraded to (maybe) a slap ...

Before it was downgraded to (maybe) some mean words ...
Before it was downgraded to, yeah, it probably happened, but, c'mon, she's a chick and he's The Deeve -- and the beeee-yotch was probably askin' for it, y'know?

Oh ... and, in case anyone asks, the charisma of Boeheim is best-described in song, such as "who can take a rainbow / wrap it in a sigh / soak it in the sun / and make a groovy lemon pie / Jim Boeheim, man / Jim Boeheim, man, can ... "

Boeheim and Bernie Fine have created a legendary (who said anything about "outlaw"?) program (albeit one which, unlike the days of Tarkanian, doesn't usually win squat).

Anyway, the Sorrycuse Onganaets won because AirCon's clean program was 3 of 20 on 3-balls in the 6 OTs (Kemba Walker was 0 of 5).

While Jonny Flynn's 16-16 FT was very respectable and The Deev's 1 turnover in 61 minutes was impressive, this "one for the ages" concept needs to be stuffed into a Hefty trash bag and tossed into the dumpster.

Of course, if it's anyone from either roster doin' the tossin', get ready to chant "Airrrrrr-ballllll, airrrrr-ballll ..."

Now, go take your NCAA Sweet Sixteen losses like the brave little warriors Sean McDonough said you are ...

b

Marked For Death

2009-03-10T21:11:00.011-11:00

According to Mark, the recent sequence of landmark events went like so: //// He capped another summer playing softball with the same guys he's played with for 15-20 yrs. and he went something like 17 for 19 in their final tournament of '08. //// Then, he turned 50 in November. //// Then, he underwent a CAT Scan to determine the cause of his frequent headaches -- andwas diagnosed with glioblastoma. ///// If we're compiling corresponding responses, it's: A) "Seriously? 17 for 19?" B) "50? Nice job, man ... " C) "Glioblastoma? That's a death sentence from which there is no escape." ///// Glioblastoma ... that shit takes ya down quick. ///// It's the same type of brain cancer which killed Johnny Oates (not to mention millions of others). ///// Just hearin' those words -- "brain tumor" or "brain cancer" -- it shakes ya up and reminds ya of what Pops went through. ///// They gave him 2 mos. to live and he extended it to 3. //// In the end, though, The Big C -- an arbitrary predator -- always wins. ///// And, glioblastoma is as bad as it gets. ///// In Mark's case, more tests are scheduled, but, according to those in the cancer community we've come to know in the past year, glioblastoma is ruthless ... serving up turbo-charged punishment. //// It's a guarantee that Mark'll be dead within 2 yrs. ///// Ya simply cannot outrun The Big C. ///// It definitely hits home when you yourself are saddled w/ three gigantic risk factors -- 1) Your Zodiac sign is Cancer 2) Your wife is recovering from breast cancer 3) You're sucking down another Marlboro (as you've done for 26 yrs. in a row) ... not necessarily in that order. //// What else hits home: Mark's face when he stopped by today. He used to look a little like Ed Harris with hair ... but, not so anymore. ///// Dude was unrecognizable. ///// He looked nothing like the guy we've known for yrs. ... the friend who brought Zo-Zo to the D.P. and then was a patient receiving treatment for neck pain two years ago. //// Today? That WAS NOT Mark. //// It didn't look anything like him. ///// Cancer drugs'll do that to a fella ... it matters not if you've got a large family ... or if you're a single guy who happens to sell insurance ... and enjoys takin' his rescue Golden to the D.P. //// He can still do that ... but, softball must seem like a memory. ///// For those of us who played against him, it was easy to classify him as a classic softball rat. //// Not a He-man super-mashing ball-smasher, but constant in his constant line-drive production and goo enough wheels to scoot around the bases and cover some ground in LF. ///// He was playin' second base when I cranked that double down the RF line and as I arrived at second, he remarked that I should be doin' that EVERY at-bat. ///// Maybe he noticed that I wasn't especially motivated playing with a bunch of strangers who didn't seem to give a crap (which, invariably, always affects my focus). ///// Softball and cancer ... it's reminiscent of the time when non-Hodgkins lymphoma sidelined Johnny A. -- the ultimate No. 3 hitter -- for almost the entire '95 season. ///// When ya see something like that, you can either offer up platitudes -- or you can shave yer head for a fallen brother before affixing a "34" decal (no larger than a postage stamp) to the lower left sleeve of your softball shirt. ///// Not everybody understands such gestures ... because not everybody acknowledges the line between talking about something and doing something about it. ///// It's true: 100 yrs. ago, when somebody had cancer, that person was said to have tuberculosis and/or dementia ... and when the morphine ran out, that somebody was dead at age 34. ///// Now that I'm in my third year of softball retirement (not so much by choice), there's not softball shirt on which to apply an "MK" decal. ///// Was it really 5 yrs. ago when the Fightin' Phils Phamily lost three guys to aggressive brain cancers within a year? //// Ken Brett (at age 55) in Nov. '03 ... followed by Tug McGraw five days into '04 (at age 59) ... and then Oates (at age 58) seven days before the end of '04. //// Two years ago, John Vukovich checked out during spring training two years ago (age 59). ///// Those guys were lost their battles -- and Mark's gonna lose his. //// And, I don't know if memories of 17 for 19 in a softball tournament is enough to sustain a fella through such difficulty. ///// It's a fuckin' rip-off, that's what it is ... ///// + + +

Blake Griffin's Saving-The-Ball Replay (Times 10)

2009-03-01T08:01:00.007-11:00

Blake Griffin saved the ball from going out of bounds.

Then, Blake Griffin saved it again ...

And again ....

And again ....

Then again (from a different angle) ....

And, again (from the same angle as Saves #1 thru #4) ...

Then, Blake Griffin saved the ball again ...

And then Blake Griffin saved the ball again (same camera angle as before, only, this time, the Disneyland Basketball Channel superimposed a mini graphic of Steve Phillips' head and spliced in a telephone interview about how Blake Griffin demonstrated amazing leadership blah blah blah ...

And, then, finally, Blake Griffin saved the ball again (same camera angle as before, only, this time, the Disneyland Basketball Channel super-imposed a mini graphic of Mark Schlereth's head accompanied by the audio of a telephone interview in which Schlereth explained how Blake Griffin displayed incredible desire and leadership yadda yadda yadda ...

Is ESPN really THAT fucking stupid -- or does ESPN think you are THAT fucking stupid?

Blake Griffin's headlong dive over the scorer's table to save a ball headed out of bounds was about as moronic as it gets.

ESPN's All-Star Tribute To Blake Griffin Saving The Ball Heading Out Of Bounds was equally ridiculous.

Completely mind-boggling ...

THIS WAS NOT BLAKE GRIFFIN diving into the crowd where 3 or 4 fans could've cushioned his fall.

No, this time, he had a very REAL chance to land in the walkway behind the table and injure his wrist, elbow or shoulder.

But, since every on-camera joker at ESPN is a queen-sized pussy, nobody's going to have the guts to tell America how idiotic that play was.

So, we must ask, the next time that Blake Griffin runs into the middle of traffic on the busy interstate to save a bag of Goldfish crackers that a little girl in the car ahead of him accidentally dropped out the window, maybe ESPN can place the Steve Phillips mugshot on our TV screen and have him offer a sound-byte from his sex-addict daze ... when he maybe banged a teenager (boy or girl, it don't really matter ... he's a recovering addict, remember?) or two on the way home from Shea Stadium.

Now, THAT'S quality TV!

The visual: Griffin scooping up the Goldfish while diving out of the way of an 18-wheeler ...

The audio: Steve Phillips educating America re: curtains-matching-carpet ...

b

Gym Dandies (An Ode To "Strap")

2009-02-21T23:36:00.005-11:00

THOSE B-BALL GAMES ON TV TODAY ... in a word: "ShamWow!"

What heart-stoppers.

First, we saw Coach Dale get himself kicked out of the game against Dugger, so it was up to Shooter to draw up the winning play -- the Picket Fence, which Merle (#12) drained because he didn't "get caught watching the paint dry ..."

OHMIGOD ... then in the regional brawl vs. Terhune (at Deerlick), wouldn't ya know that Strap (#53) would come off the bench and make some nifty moves for a pair of critical baskets late (after Coach Dale had instructed him specifically to shoot only if he was all alone under the basket ... well, that's the Lord's strength for ya ... you can feel it ... ).

Then, Hickory survived the sectional tussle vs. Linton at Jasper (home of Scott Rolen, FYI) when Ollie came off the bench and nailed those two Granny-shot free throws.

Just as people tend to forget how close Linton's desperation halfcourt heave at the buzzer came to going in (that ball caught PLENTY of rim), they also forget that in the state championship game vs. South Bend Central the play in which Jimmy Chitwood buried the straight-away, 20-footer at the final horn was originally designed to be the Picket Fence play w/ Merle taking the decisive shot.

Jimmy: "I'll make it."

DELETED SCENE: The moment when the Hickory Huskers break from the sideline huddle and Merle says to Jimmy, "You fuckin' miss this and I'm gonna take yer fuckin' skull and smash it through the fuckin' bus windshield."

NUTHIN' BUT NET! (cue triumphant music w/ the bold horn section & drum accompaniment)

What can ya say? Encore had "Hoosiers" on the playlist this morning ... and, well ... when you're married to a gal who lived in that state when the movie had its nationwide release 25 yrs. ago (although she's never been a fan of the actress who played Myra Fleener), well ... it was either Encore or it was a trip downstairs to the DVR to re-connect with one of three champions from '08 (Hockeytown, The Fightin's, Terrible Towel Triumph ... difficult choices, to be sure ... ).

College b-ball 2009?
Don't go there, girlfriend!

Seriously ... does that look like Hickory vs. Cedar Knob to you?
Do you see Hickory playin' Oolitic?

All they give us nowadays is some Wronghorn player baby-tappin' Blake Griffin in the face -- and then Blake's gotta sit for the remainder of the game ... and then all we get is A.J. Abrams camping along the 3-point line ... camping, camping, camping ... then, he knocks down a 3-ball or two and he's hailed as some sorta new messiah (FYI: He's 21 of 80 on 3-balls in UT's eight losses ... fuckin'-A, that's 26 percent ... you could have a blood-alcohol level of .15 and still knock down 3 of every 11 3-balls, which is 27 percent ...).

Aside from the fact that he mostly sucks, A.J. Abrams is truly a swell player ...

That is, aside from the fact that his game is VERY limited.

Other than that, yup ... he's a real gym dandy ...

His white-boy counterpart is Devendork of Sorrycuse, who, last time we checked, had 5 off. rebs. this season.

You could fall out of your dorm-room window and get at least two off. rebs.

The thing is, Abrams and Devendork are complete pussies -- and here's yer proof: Abrams is an 87 percent career FT shooter; Devendork is somewhere around 80 percent.

Alas, the only times those guys sniff the foul line is if somebody with a blood-alcohol level of .15 crashes into them while they're camping, camping, camping along the 3-point line.

Soft ...
Weak ...
Incomplete ...

Ya'd think that with the great recruiting that Barnes and Boeheim do ("$$$$$hhhhh ... nobody said anything about cheating or pathetic graduation rate$ ..."), they'd put together something a lot better than this.

$ure ain't like the ol' day$ when UCLA booster, $am Gilbert, wa$ a$$isting Wooden in the building of a dyna$ty ...

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